


And if running is all you know, make sure you run back to me

by given_a_chance_to_love



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Childhood Friends, Doctor Louis, Domestic Fluff, Fluff, I suck at updating, Jealous Harry, Louis likes to run, Modern Family family dynamic, Mutual Pining, Mutual Pinning, Slight Mention of Miscarriage, Teacher Harry, friends to enemies(?) to lovers, it's just fluff and drama, kinda secret relationship, liam and zayn are brothers, nothing weird happens between them i promise, only not really, slow burn?, they're both idiots
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-10-01
Updated: 2021-01-10
Packaged: 2021-03-08 02:06:52
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 10
Words: 60,082
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26677915
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/given_a_chance_to_love/pseuds/given_a_chance_to_love
Summary: The faint smell of champagne wafting around him as the sweet taste of vanilla settled in his mouth. The music booming out of a nearby speaker making his drink vibrate in his glass. The dainty flickering fairy lights on the tent set against dusk as the dry summer air wrapped around his suit. His eyes following a pair of mesmerizing blue ones as they moved across the dancefloor to the music. Those same eyes shimmering as he made his speech. The way the glass touched Louis’ lips as they toasted the happy couple. His hand resting around Louis’ waist, an arm on his shoulder moving up ever so slightly to rub the crook of Harry’s neck.  The way Harry whispered in his ear, just like he had done now, and the way Louis’s phone displayed Philips caller ID, shattering his chances at another dance.A bittersweet memory, as they all seem to be these days, as that night seems to be the only source of light in the past decade. Just for that moment, it seemed like they’d forgotten all about the cold tree house, all about the screaming and tears, all about the words thrown around landing sharp edges on each other’s skin. A night that gave Harry false hope for their future.Well… until now.
Relationships: Gigi Hadid/Zayn Malik, Harry Styles/Louis Tomlinson, Harry Styles/Original Male Character(s), Lottie Tomlinson/Original Male Character(s), Louis Tomlinson/Original Male Character(s), Maya Henry/Liam Payne, Niall Horan/Original Female Character(s)
Comments: 8
Kudos: 22





	1. Chapter I: I’ll wait outside your locked door until you decide to turn the key, but if you never do, know that I was always on the other side:

**Author's Note:**

> A few things, i chose not to use their family's real names or actual structure, i wanted a bit more of a creative license with that one. Liam and Zayn are adoptive brothers in this one, but nothing weird happens between them, they're literally just brothers. Lastly, this is pure fiction. None of this is true, it's all from my brain, i'm not claiming any of this remotely happened. This is my story so please don't repost or translate it. 
> 
> Throughout the chapter's i'll be dropping a few songs that match the theme of said chapter or it deepens one of the character's feelings or pov, you can listen to the songs, or not, it really doesn't make much of a difference plot wise.
> 
> I've been trying to write this for like... a year and a half? But, one day, my friend @larriearth on twitter encouraged me to continue writing it cause she wanted to read it and so, here i am. Babe, thank you so much for your constant nagging, encouragement and love. This literally wouldn't have been possible without you 
> 
> Massive thank you to Sil who has been my constant cheerleader in the process of writing and publishing this. Seriously, i'm so happy we became friends, i honestly can't imagine my life without you anymore. 
> 
> I'd also like to thank Ce, Adelaide and Diamond, my struggle hoes, who have been incredibly kind and have motivated me to actually sit down and write instead of complaining about how i haven't written in a while... You bitches are my everything and i don't want to imagine my life without you.
> 
> Also, happiest of birthdays to my main blonde, Ce! This first chapter is for you, love. You've been a bright dumbass light in my life for a while now and i'll never be able to express how much i really appreciate and love you. You've said that you wanted me to upload this fic for months, so i thought "what better birthday present could i actually give her than something she's excessively asked me for?"
> 
> I hope you like it!

[idk how to put i in the notes, so, here's the [Spotify link!](https://t.co/YkkjyNizs4?amp=1) <3]

[RHODES - Wishes](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3IXxQtMT4dM)  
  
The door slams behind Harry as he follows Louis out to the front yard towards the dogwood tree. Its flowers falling delicately over the tire swing, swaying in the wind.

“Don’t just- Louis!”

The hairs on Louis’s neck stand, electricity shooting through his body as Harry calls out for him. As if on muscle memory alone, Louis spins around to face Harry. His brain reverts back to a time where the mere thought of Harry whispering his name made him smile in ways he never thought possible.

Harry’s eyes glance down at Louis’ hand clutching his opposite elbow, the closed off posture isn’t new, he knows this, and that’s what makes him keep going. His eyes follow the arm’s length up to the nape of Louis’ neck and up to his hair swaying against the wind as the crisp air brushes his cheeks making them turn mahogany red.

Louis’s eyes lift from the freshly cut grass, damp from this morning’s rain, and land on the most intoxicating eyes he’s ever seen. So calm, so comforting, so overwhelmingly inviting as the crystal green swims next to speaks of gold. The times he’s spent lost within them, he wouldn’t be able to count. Not even with all of the stars in the galaxy.

On contraire to Harry’s eyes, sparkling in the moonlight, spilling out pleading look after look, Louis’ eyes grow distant and tired (although he might give the tiredness to how much time he’s spent traveling).

The soft yellow dim of the street lamp washes over his face melting his skin into honey. A honey so luxuriously heavy, Harry wishes he could drown in it. Just one touch, one innocent touch like so many of them were years before, and he’d be gone. He’d slip under in a matter of seconds and would never wish to come back out.

A breath escapes Harry’s lips as he lets go of the idea.

“Louis…”

Louis shakes his head, the tip of his tongue pressing against the corner of his open lips, his mind far too heavy for anything he says to come off not-pissed. “I don’t want to talk about it.”

“Louis, it’s not-”

“Did I not deserve to know?” He tries his best to maintain his voice at a level tone, his emotions getting the better of him as his thoughts push against his heart.

“That’s-” Harry sighs out heavily, a hand waving through his short locks. “Will you just _listen_ to me!?”

It’s been far too long since they’ve spent this much time fighting and frankly the last time… Well let’s just say that the last time they argued over something like this, was the last time they argued. Or spoke at all for that matter.

“After everything- why didn’t you just tell me?”

Harry’s about to speak again, give off a quick explanation as to why the information arrived to him, his (ex)best friend, long after it should’ve, but instead he takes a pause to look at the boy- the man in front of him.

Last time, they were just boys. Boys who didn’t know better. Boys who were too terrified to admit what they knew. Boys. But now, standing here, Harry needs a moment. A moment to get his, however suppressed, feelings to now. To present Louis. Not to boy Louis, but to man Louis. A Louis he hasn’t yet gotten to know how he knew the old Louis.

“Because,” His eyes move behind Louis towards the tree. Squirrels running along one of its branches as he studies their movements, one running after the other all around the tree. _Ironic_ , he thinks.

“Well?”

“Because I didn’t want to confuse things between us.”

“Us? What _us_ , Harry? There was never an “ _us”_ to begin with.”

Harry shakes his head as an ironic laugh escapes him. Inhaling sharply, he steps closer with every word Louis throws at him. Because, really, that’s what he’s doing, just throwing words against the wind, hoping one will stick.

“How do you expect or want there to be an “ _us”_ when I can’t even trust you?” Harry switches his gaze from eye to eye as they exchange a fleeting flicker.

His heart drums in his ears as he drops his head in question. “You don’t trust me?”

Louis feels the cold blade of a rusty knife run against his skin, as Harry’s lips pull into a small frown, _you don’t trust me?_ It glides its tip along his chest with constant pressure as an empty weight drops in his stomach.

There’s a pained tone in Harry’s voice Louis has always detested. He promised himself he’d never hear it again, never _cause_ it again. He promised himself to never be the one in charge of wrapping around Harry’s heart and squeezing until it gave out. He did everything in his power to make sure that that hurt octave would never reach his ears again. But suddenly, it feels like it was just yesterday when he was running from Harry with that promise in mind, twisting the knife one last time so that he’d never do it again. Or, so he thought.

Now hangs the same heavy silence Louis used to let linger as Harry waited for answers. History repeats itself time and time again, as Louis lets the silence between them linger. Linger like it did whenever Harry waited for answers, waited for any sign from Louis, waited and waited, never ceasing to make Louis feel the same delicate cut bleed open as if fresh.

His eyes hurt at the frown upon Harry’s lips as he rushes out whatever’s at the tip of his tongue in an apologetic tone. 

“I _do_ trust you, H, of course I do.” _There’s no one I trust or will ever trust more._ Harry’s brows furrow as Louis steps back in explanation. And as always, Harry’s steps follow Louis, the never ending chase. “I trust you enough to let go of everything and get myself in a world of pain.” Years parted not knowing if they’d ever return to each other dance in front of them as Harry’s eyes blink at the words. _I’ve avoided that pain for me but most importantly, I’ve avoided it for you._

“Why didn’t you tell me?” His breath catches in his throat as he feels Harry’s eyes peer into him. Peer into every crevice they can reach, which as far as he can tell, is all of them. “Do you resent me that much?”

Harry stops right in front of him as Louis stops in his tracks, his fingers aching to reach out and touch Louis’ as they hide beneath his sweater. How he wishes one trace of his fingers would make it all go away. One brush of the lips to make the noise die down. A single breath to bring him home.

_“I don’t resent you. Louis-”_

_“_ Harry, you’re _engaged!”_

_All of this time and he didn’t even have the decency to tell me to my face. No one did! “Oh, Louis, welcome home. By the way, your best friend is engaged and he didn’t even bother to tell you! He’s someone else’s now! Isn’t that just spit on your neck, kick you in the crotch fantastic?” Seriously, a text would’ve been fine. I’ve been back for two days, for how much longer was he not going to tell me?_

Harry immediately takes a defensive stance as his eyes grow sharp and fiery.

“I’m not engaged!”

Louis blinks back at the statement, Harry’s words getting lost within his own thoughts.

As he sees it. An engagement is a big deal. Big enough to tell your best friend. Yeah, okay, so maybe it’s been a while since they’ve been best friends. Or just fiends. Or had an actual conversation- but he still deserved to know.

Harry smoothens his hands down Louis’ shoulders all the way down to his wrists. “Listen to me, okay?” He tugs slightly, getting Louis’ eyes to focus on his own, his voice back to its husky calm. “I am _not_ engaged. Daniel did propose to me a while back. I said no.”

Both standing there in silence, Harry’s mind pleads over and over again.

 _Listen to me._ “I am _not_ engaged.” _Don’t shut me out. Not ever again_ “I told him that I was done.” He smiles as he tucks a hair behind Louis’ ear. “I told him that he deserved someone who truly loves him.” _Listen to me._

Louis’ eyes run over every detail of Harry’s face, every freckle, every mark, every perfect imperfection. “If you didn’t love him, then why were you with him?”

It’s a valid question. Harry and Dean have- had been dating for a while. Harry’s words make no sense compared to how close Louis has seen them be over the years. All smiles and cuddles on the couch as Louis glanced at them, his blood rising, but not that he would ever admit it.

Harry smiles again, taking a step back to look up at the night sky. There’s something about the way that the stars sparkle that has always reminded him of Louis. Whenever he misses him, he looks up and even though it’s not much comfort, the stars smile back at him and the pain grows a tiny bit lighter if only for a second.

It’s ridiculous, he thinks now. There’s no comparison beautiful enough for Louis Tomlinson. Not even the stars themselves.

The moon beaming with hope, stars twinkling in doubt, a sky vibrantly open with possibility, his smile widens as he looks back down at Louis. Louis whom he’s missed far too much.

 _You’re really going to make me spell it out for you?_ He sighs mid grin. “You’re not listening to me. God, this going to sound awful- He was sort of my consolation prize.” Louis arches an eyebrow making Harry sniffle a laugh. “You know, the prize a kid gets when he loses a game at the fair, the one they give him when he can’t get the prize he really wanted.”

Not the best analogy he, an English professor, could’ve come up with but it’s the one he’s apparently using.

The brisk night air blows through their hair, eyes locked as moonlight overflows their eyes, their hearts beating in sync. “It sounds awful I know. Being with someone just out of sheer fear of being alone… I _did_ love him, but not the way he wanted or needed me to...” _I wasn’t in love with him._ “Does that make sense?”

Harry looks down at Louis’ lips as he parts them to break the silence. _There they are_ , he thinks. The lips he’s gazed upon so many times. For years and years, he’s admired those lips, studied them, ached for them, envied them for always being so close to Louis. The same lips that broke his heart. The same lips that moved away and took him with them. The pair of lips he adores more than the sun adores heat. The same lips that stand before him now on the cusp of words as the front door slowly swings open.

“Louis,” A beautiful blond girl pokes her head out of the door. She walks over towards them handing Louis the phone. “…mum.”

“Oh. Right.”

He looks towards Harry who nods slightly as Louis takes the phone and walks back inside the house, looking over his shoulder twice, every time directly into Harry’s eyes.

The girl raises an eyebrow at Harry as he watches Louis go, yet again. “Everything okay between you two?” She sways on the heels of her feet.

“He just- you know…” He smiles, more to himself than to the her, but nevertheless the smile is bright. “We’ll be fine, Lotts.”

“Yeah, I know you will. You guys…fit? You make sense.” Harry smirks at that.

“So, you know?”

“He hasn’t said anything directly but I had a feeling, and you, my friend, just confirmed said feeling.” She throws him a wink. “You know him as much as I do. Hell, you know him a lot better than I do. He’s my brother and I love him, but you and I both know that he’s slightly, _very_ stubborn.” Harry nods along to that. “Just… don’t let him get away.”

If only it were that easy.

“I’ll do my best.” He looks down at his watch and then back up giving her a weak smile. “Now, you go back inside and behave.” The street light spills through and dances with the lights from the house as he looks through the window leading into the living room. Louis’ back towards Harry, one hand holding the phone up to his ear while the other plays with something in front of him. “I’ll come by to pick you up at five.”

Lottie looks at Louis and then back at Harry, her eyes unsure. “Are you sure we should go? I mean, shouldn’t you talk first or whatever?”

“Are you kidding me? No. We’re good. And dad will have a meltdown if anyone else is absent.” She laughs knowing he’d probably cancel the whole thing if she and Louis were missing. “I’ll be by at five and if you aren’t out by five o two I’m leaving you both here, capiche?”

“Capito.” 

Harry glances back into the living room one last time before giving Lottie a tight lipped smile and turning on his heels towards his car.

Feeling the engine roar to life, Louis looks out the window to see Lottie waving a last goodbye at Harry, who’s already driving away into the night. Each second getting farther and farther away from him as the street lights wrap around the car.

The door closes with the turn of a key as the porch light turns off, leaving the front yard empty.

“Five.”

“What?”

“He’ll be by to pick us up at five. And-”

“Let me guess… And if we’re not out by five o two he’ll leave us here.”

Lottie shakes her head and scoffs. “You two really are something, you know?”

“What’s that supposed to mean?”

“Nothing…” He lays on the couch next to her. “What did they say?”

“Flight connection’s delayed so they won’t get there until tomorrow night at the earliest.”

“So, the usual…” She brushes a hand through his hair.

“I guess.”

“Except-”

“Except what?”

“You’re here now. You’re home.”

“I’m home.” He nods.

“For how long?”

“For good?”

It’s a clear statement in his mid. He’s home. He isn’t going anywhere. But, for some reason, part of him feels out of place.

“I like having you home.”

He lays his head on Lottie’s lap as she continues to stroke his hair. “Oh come on, I was here all the time.”

“No, you weren’t.” Her hand stops moving as he sits up to face her. “You went away to uni and -you’ve got an amazing career and I’m super proud of you- but you left us. Then you moved in with Philip… You were never really around.

“You called, sure, but you only came for the big things. I’m sorry, it’s selfish I know, but we’ve missed you... _I’ve_ missed you.” Her hand falls into Louis’. “I know that you had a life in New York and that you were happy or whatever- But you also had a life here.” Happy maybe isn’t the best term, but she doesn’t need to know that.

“I know, Lotts. I’ve missed you too.” A knot forms in the back of his throat as the last years flash through him, leaving a bitter taste in his mouth. “I’m sorry… I’m back now… I’m home…” The warmth of his body mixes with hers as he presses his lips to her warm forehead and holds her tight.

He gazes out the window. Streetlamps casting a shadow on every surface, the moon bright in the dark night sky as leaves rustle in the wind. The wind, he thinks back. The selfish wind blowing Harry’s scent away from him. The selfish wind dancing on his lips, his eyelashes, the crook of his neck, his fingertips. The selfish wind touching things it doesn’t deserve.

“I’m home.”

And in a sense he’s always been home, because home is where the heart is. Even if the rest of you is thousands of miles away.

~

Rays of sun break through the kitchen curtain as Louis yawns and pours two cups of coffee, a sweet cinnamon scent filling every inch of the kitchen.

“Morning, sleepyhead.”

Lottie walks in and accepts a mug from him, hair tangled, eyes droopy. “Morning.”

She stares at the food set before her, the scent of it all hitting her nostrils as she breathes in deeper. A stack of golden pancakes, two glasses of orange juice, perfectly crisped bacon, creamy scrambled eggs, silky syrup and the most beautiful chocolate chip muffins she’s ever seen. There’s also a bowl of fruit in the middle of the table but she doesn’t give it any attention.

“You- You made breakfast? Jesus, Louis, did you get up at the crack of dawn? Why’d you do this? When mom’s out of town I just have cereal for breakfast. This is amazing! You make these from scratch?” She picks up one of the muffins and starts to bite into it.

“Hey! That’s dessert.” She sets it down. “And yes, I did.”

He looks at her while she gets plates from the cupboard and brings them over to the table where he’s now sitting. She sits across from him fixing him a plate.

“When I was a kid you used to bake when you had something on your mind, everything alright?”

“You’re _still_ a kid.” He teases.

“You know what I mean.” He takes the plate she hands him in one hand and reaches out for her with the other.

“Everything’s fine.”

“You sure? You can tell me. I’ve been told I’m pretty smart for a nineteen-year-old.”

She fixes herself a plate. 

“I’m fine, really.” He bites his lip, last night’s words still churning in his head. “It’s just that I haven’t told anyone that I’m back, back.”

“Well, you just quite literally moved back like two days ago. You don’t have to do everything at once. Take it one step at a time. Today maybe tell the people that are here and tomorrow worry about everyone back in New York. Today… just- Just promise me that you’ll forget about everything and just have some fun. That’s what the day is for anyways.”

Louis smiles, filling her with comfort. The same comfort he gave her when she was three and thought there were monsters under her bed. He checked over a dozen times to make sure that her room was completely monster free. Night after night, the monster catcher did his job. Not a single monster caught thank you very much.

It’s the same comforting smile that fills you up with glee, the one that makes you feel like you could fly, the one that makes you believe in every possibility out there. It’s a smile that hides a lot.

She puts up her pinky. “Promise?”

“See, you _are_ still a kid!” He laughs.

“Louis, I’m serious.”

“Fine. Fine. I _pinky_ promise.” They lock pinkies. “Now, finish your breakfast.”

~

“Everyone knows why we’re here,”

A man, mid-fifties, great hair (starting to grey but it’s still great) wearing a grey polo sweater over a white button up shirt, not too classy not to casual, makes a speech in front of ten, maybe fifteen people. They all listen intently as the fair echoes in the background.

Louis stands with his arms wrapped around Lottie in a hug as Harry stands next to them looking at his father make his annual speech. A speech they’ve all got memorized and wish he’d stop boring them with.

“We’ve been coming here every year since we were twenty-year-old kids with nothing better to do. Every year, no matter what, on November third, we meet here at the carnival and spend the day together. Forgetting our problems, forgetting work, forgetting everything.” His voice booms over the crowd as a seagull squawks in the distance. “We come here to enjoy life. Now, this year’s a bit different, isn’t it, Lottie?

“Um… Yeah? Mum and dad aren’t here. They’re visiting our grandfather in London. They might not be back for a while actually…”

Alex smiles fondly at the her. “No, that’s not it. Louis?”

He clears his throat as everyone’s attention turns to him. “I’m back. For good.” He looks at Harry, his lips pursed towards the ground. “Is that it?”

“Indeed it is.”

Louis has been gone for a long time. He always tried to make it to the important moments, but as a surgical resident he couldn’t just drop everything at a moment’s notice. Countless apologies were made year after year to everyone as he missed event after event. But none of that anymore. He’s home.

He nods along, everyone chiming in, saying how glad they are that he’s staying, voices overlapping, words getting lost every which way as Harry smiles at him. Louis bites back the smile forming on his own lips but Harry knows him too well to not know it’s there.

Hug after hug it seems like the entire family was deprived of Louis. Guess absence really does make the heart grow fonder. He tries to ignore Harry and keep interacting with the rest of the family, but damn, who can avoid those eyes?

Louis breaks free from the last hug, Liam pressing a loud kiss to his temple, as he breaks eye contact with Harry. _Haz_. Damn him and his emerald city eyes. Louis looks back at Alex as he clasps his hands in the air.

“Alright, family, who’s ready to have some fun!?” They all cheer in excitement and walk into the fair. Smaller groups breaking off as they drift to different attractions.

Family. That’s what they are. They met in a foreign exchange program their first year of college. Bonding instantly and never wanting to say goodbye for good. A little backstory on this big, loud, nosey, unconventional, loving family for your reading pleasure:

Sam and Will met in a bookstore one hot summer afternoon. They dated off and on all throughout uni and got married the summer before graduation. Nothing too fancy, a few friends and family in the town church. They eventually moved into Will’s childhood home when his parents passed away, Louis and Lottie coming along some time after (with an eight-year difference). Louis moved to New York a few years back to go to Columbia. Along the way he met Philip, another kind hearted surgical resident and they moved in together after a few months, happy as can be. That is, until a few days ago when he subtlety called saying he was moving back. Lottie, being the youngest of the two, still lives with her loving parents, as a way to save money, and goes to the local university on her way to becoming the next best environmental lawyer. 

Alex and Elissa met in freshman year of college and got they married a year after she graduated, Alex being a year older decided it was best to get settled once he’d secured a good job. They have two kids as well, Harry and Gemma. Harry, their youngest, moved out years ago to go to UCLA, graduated with high honors and came back to Seattle. He now lives in his own little apartment in town. It’s right across from a little French bistro which is great when Harry’s up at all hours of the night grading papers or mapping out his lesson plan. Gemma, just two years older than Harry, is now engaged to Chris, a lovely photographer she met at a concert. They live a little outside the city in a big rural house with the cuddliest labradoodle ever known, Roxie.

After having been together for the better part of 20 years and adopting two children, Zayn and Liam, together, Blake and Meredith finally decided to get married. They went down to the courthouse one afternoon and “got it over with” as they’d later defend their actions with when their friends felt “betrayed” and “left out”. Those exact terms were yelled out when the news of the nuptials dropped. They’d met in middle school and at first they hated each other, practically couldn’t be in the same room, but as it turns out they were just madly in love with one another. Very cliché if you ask me.

Lexi and Marcus met at some big company mixer as interns and hit it off right away. It was love at first sight. Again, what a cliché. They never get tired of telling the story of seeing each other across the room and feeling that instant connection, they tell it _every_ chance they get. “Then I saw her.”, “And I saw him.” Louis is pretty sure everyone knows the speech by heart. Once both of their careers had taken off and they felt settled, they had Niall. A little brunette blob with the most magical laugh.

All in all, one big, happy, unconventional family.

“So, you decided to come back and not tell your favorite person in this entire family? I’m not complaining, it just seems a little rude.”

“Horan,” Louis practically jumps on him as he pulls Niall in for a hug and lets go once he spots his wife. “Lisa! I- I didn’t know you were coming! You’re- You’re so big!”

“Thanks for the compliment, Lou.”

“You know what I mean.”

“No, Louis. Whatever do you mean?”

“Why didn’t you tell me you were coming? How long are you staying? How’s my nephew doing in there? Are you hungry? Are you cold? Lisa-”

“Stop! I’m fine. I feel great. Baby’s doing great. We’re staying a couple days, up until the wedding. I’m not hungry, but I _will_ be wanting cotton candy later on, thank you very much.” She pauses for a beat looking intently at Louis, her chocolate brown eyes far too worried for Louis’ comfort. “How are _you_ … with everything? When you told us about Philip- How’re you doing?”

Lisa became part of the group as soon as she and Niall started dating. There was a month back in the 90s where they’d broken up, it was awful. No one knew how to properly act, what to do, what to say. It was a bloody mess. After a few long nights of endless weeping, Louis finally got Niall to call her and they talked things through. Now married and expecting their first child together, they live in LA where she’s a journalist and Niall is the manager for one of the biggest music labels today. Syco records had contacted him a while back, he respectfully declined their offer and thank god he did. The company got heavily sued and went bankrupt a few months later.

Lisa’s strawberry blonde hair falls perfectly on her freckled cheeks as bells and whistles go off in the distance and Louis’ eyes start to wonder.

He looks over his shoulder to where Harry’s shooting hoops with Lottie. His eyes lighting up against the carnival lights. Even from far away Louis can see the purple and pink lights swimming next to the juniper speaks in his eyes and he can’t help but stare in awe.

Harry’s smile beams wide and hopeful as if he knew nothing of this world, as if he were merely a child at a carnival happy as can be. Dimples perfectly imprinted on his smile, his pearly white teeth grinning from ear to ear, he laughs as a siren goes off in their game, indicating that he’s lost. Lottie, now hugging a fairly large stuffed elephant in her arms, high-fives him as Louis laughs to himself and turns his attention back to the couple in front of him. 

“I’m fine, Lisa. I feel much better now. That relationship was doomed from the start.”

Oh and how he wishes he could go back. Not just to avoid speaking to Philip and accepting his dinner invitation, no, far, far before that. To a night up in a treehouse, now lost in a hazy memory of tears and guilt.

“I’ve got… other things on my mind. Like being home again.”

Niall and Lisa exchange a look, worry and a tinge of sadness gleaming in the corner of their eyes.

Louis rolls his eyes “I just- I’m fine, really. I already called for job interviews this morning and I’m getting some friends to help me move my things as we speak. So stop with the pity eyes. Seriously.” Their eyes soften making him more and more impatient. _I’m fine really. I’m over it. What’s done is done. Let it go._

“Are you sure?”

“I’m fine! I’m moving on.” His voice rises as his arms flail above his head. “Let me move on. Just because he cheated on me doesn’t mean I’m having a quarter life crisis or anything!”

Niall clears his throat, his eyes moving beyond Louis.

“He _what_?” Harry spits out.

Louis whips his head in his direction, dark green eyes blinking back at him as their gold speaks morph into a crackling campfire. Harry could really use a High Striker right about now. Or a Whack-A-Mole. Or a punching bag. Or Philip as a punching bag.

“I- I just- Um. Well.” He looks back towards Niall and Lisa. _Shit._ Louis turns back entirely towards Harry with a “Hi…”

“Lottie!” She quickly walks towards Niall as he waves her over. “Why- um… Why don’t we go and, and um, play some games with the guys?”

They swiftly walk towards the bumper cars where Liam and Zayn are standing in line, leaving Harry and Louis behind.

“ _He_ _what_?” His voice is sharp, like the tip of an iceberg and Louis can feel all of its freezing edges press against him.

Standing in the middle of the fair as metal clicks and clanks and lights of all different colors flash, the smell of funnel cake and processed sugar lingers in the air, the breeze blowing through and engulfing everything in it, Harry’s eyes go wide as he waits for some sort of explanation from Louis.

“I- I just- He- Well…” He takes a step away from Harry and starts to walk in the opposite direction, his head down towards his feet. “Can we not talk about it?”

He freezes instantly as Harry reaches out and grabs his arm, the soft touch of his fingers holding Louis in place. He absentmindedly goes to rub Harry’s hand resting on his forearm just as his conscience kicks in and holds him in down.

“The hell we won’t. After all that grieve you gave me yesterday about not telling you something-” Louis looks back at him, Harry’s eyes no longer sparkling, no longer filled with joy or hope. Now, dark and cloudy, somehow hurt. Again _._ “Why can’t you just talk me?” He stands closer, pulling Louis towards him. _Don’t push me away._

“ _That._ It’s that- That look in your eyes.” He pulls away from Harry and starts walking again.

“What- Louis!” He steps in front of him blocking his way. “What look?”

“The same one you’ve had forever, H.” _The look that makes me shatter._ “The one where you’re looking for something in me and you hate everything you see.” _The same look from that night._ “Like every time I look into your eyes- Like I drain you of everything good.”

Harry tries to move, tries to throw himself around Louis, make all of his words disappear, make him see that none of that is true. He needs to hold him, he needs to make him feel safe, still his body is frozen in time. His limbs like Greek statues. Not a thing he can do to comfort the one person he cares about the most. Not a thing he can do to show him that he’s wrong. Not a thing he can do to reassure him… to make him see.

At a distance, music booms through a speaker filling the loud silence between them.

Harry swallows as he starts to feel his body become his again. “You know that’s not true.” He runs a hand through his hair as the words burn in his mouth. “You could never- You could _never_ drain me of- Of anything. Never.” He steps closer. “Just talk to me. I know I fucked up with the whole-” Louis lifts his eyes to meet Harry’s, a shiny gloss covering them. “-with the whole situation. And I don’t know how I can make you see how fucking sorry I am. I should’ve said something sooner, I’m sorry.” _Don’t shut me out. Not again._ “Just talk to me.” _Let me back in._

“It’s not about yesterday. I know you’re sorry, and I’m sorry too-”

“No, you don’t have to apologize. I-”

“I do. I had no right to act like that. I’m sorry.”

Harry looks around them, his eyes narrowed floating from children’s laughter to blinding lights to bells ringing happily to music vibrating off of every surface as the scent of food swimming in his lungs.

His eyes soften as he turns back to look at Louis, his cheeks pink, eyes so blue you’d believe they were fake.

“Let’s go.” 

“Go? Go where?” He reaches for Louis’ wrist and pulls him through the crowd. “Harry-” He calls out as he grips Harry’s hand tighter, cold fingertips against warm welcoming skin. “We can’t just leave everyone.” He can feel Harry smile at the tightened grip.

“We’re not _leaving_ them. We’ll be back.”

“Have you ever seen a movie? That’s what they all say.”

They climb down the steps of the pier in laughter, salty breeze blowing through their hair. After walking a little further onto the beach, Harry sits once he’s deemed the spot perfect.

“Here? What? Why?”

[Jaymes Young - Moondust (Stripped)](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tL241A5132k)

“I needed some air.” He motions for Louis to sit next to him, he does so without hesitation. “I couldn’t think in the middle of all that.” 

Louis smiles down at his hand resting inches away from Harry’s. _You remember the beach._

As the sun starts setting, their bodies lying in the sand, their eyes cast over the waves, Louis moves closer to him and puts his head on Harry’s shoulder. He in turn puts his head on the top of Louis’ as he breathes him in.

“Six months…” Louis breaths out. “He’d been sleeping with some woman from the hospital, radiologist I think, for six months. I think her name was Natalie or something.” He snuggles deeper into Harry’s side as he retails the affair. “I came home one day and there she was… in my bed…on my pillow… tangled in my sheets…” Harry wraps an arm around him.

“Lou…”

“No, it’s fine. I’m okay. Really. I should’ve seen it coming sooner anyways. He was always working late. I think I just didn’t want to believe it at first...” Louis lifts his head off Harry’s shoulder to look at him. “You can say it.”

“Say what?”

“I told you so.”

“Why would I say that?”

“Because a long time ago you said that I always chase people that don’t want me. You said that I don’t know what I’m doing. You said I was going to get hurt. You were right, and I know how much you like to be right so, say it.”

“I’m not going to say it because it’s not true.” _I was angry. I didn’t mean it. I was hurt. I didn’t mean any of it._ “This guy’s a complete idiot. Letting you go?” His grip around Louis’ shoulder tightens. “Biggest mistake of his life. Bastard didn’t know what he had. Sucks for him. But, you? You’re not to blame here, Lou. Never say that again. Never.”

“I’m not to blame? Then why is this not the first time it’s happened, Harry?”

“Is that why you didn’t tell me? Shame?”

“Is that why you didn’t tell me about Daniel?”

“No, I didn’t tell you because it happened before you came back. I didn’t think it was really necessary to tell you about a proposal I turned down. How did you find out about that anyways?”

“Lottie.”

“Ah. And what did she say exactly?”

“First words out of her mouth once I unfinished packing were ‘hey, did you hear Daniel proposed?’ Literally the first thing she said.”

Harry laughs knowing Lottie’s gossiping too well. “And you automatically thought that I was engaged.”

“Well shit, Harry, of course I did. I figured sooner rather than later some very lucky guy would take you off the market.”

“Very lucky, huh?”

Louis pushes him sideways onto the sand.

“I just- I don’t know.”

“Listen to me. This has nothing to do with you. You are not to blame here.”

“Harry, come on-”

“Shh. Let me finish. You, my dear,” He says as he dusts the sand from his elbows, “Are extraordinary.” His eyes shine again as he pulls Louis’ chin up. “These guys were shit. You deserve better. You deserve someone who worships the ground you walk on. You deserve someone who reminds you of how incredible you are and of how much they love you every day.”

Louis laughs as Harry lets go of his chin. “When did you become so sappy?”

“You know; I broke his nose once.”

“What!? Whose?”

“Adam’s.”

“What? When? Why? How? What are you talking about?”

Harry throws an arm around Louis’ neck, pulling him close into a whisper, his lips brushing against Louis’ ear as a shiver runs down his spine.

“We were sitting up in the treehouse and you’d just told me that you saw him kissing that Bianca chick. You seemed okay- You _said_ you were, but I was still furious, so- Remember when I told you I’d go buy you ice cream?” Louis nods against Harry’s cheek. “Well, on my way to the store I saw him with a couple of his buddies. I went up to him and punched him right in the face.”

“And you broke his nose?”

“And I broke his nose.”

“You… for me?”

“Of course for you, you oblivious princess. I’ve done a lot for you over the years.”

“I know.” There’s a brief pause as Harry unwraps himself from Louis. “I’m sorry.”

“No need to be sorry. Ever.”

Louis turns his attention back to the sea. Waves crashing angrily against the shore as his thoughts swerve into each other in the same manor.

“There must be something wrong with me. Some broken piece no one wants.”

“Don’t say that.”

“What? That I’m broken?”

“Yeah.”

“I am-”

“You aren’t broken. People don’t just break. That’s not how it works. You’re not made of glass, Louis.”

Louis looks back at the lights beaming from the fair.

“We should head back…”

“I’m going to kill him”

“H-”

“No. I am going to physically injure the kid.” He stands up so fast it takes Louis a second to fully understand what’s happening. “I’m not going to let him, or anyone else for that matter, make you feel like you’re broken. You aren’t broken. You’re- You’re perfect.”

“I’m far from perfect, Harry. You know that.”

“To me you are. Therefore, I’m going to kill the son of a bitch.”

“You will do no such thing.”

“Louis…”

“Harry...”

“Can’t I just punch him a little?”

“Harry…”

“With a knife.”

“I think that’s called stabbing.”

“Precisely.”

“Harold!”

“Fine, fine, I won’t do anything. Even though he deserves it.”

“I’m fine. Really. I’m not looking for revenge or for payback. I just want to move on.”

“What? Are you insane? He-”

“Things always happen for a reason, don’t they?”

“Yeah, I _guess_ … But still, he can’t just walk away from this scratch free.”

“Back home…” His mouth seems to have moved without permission as he realizes he’s said it out loud.

“What?”

“It brought me back home.”

“That it did… And I’m glad, really glad you’re home…” His nose scrunches up at Louis’ smile. “Do me a favor?” Louis arches his eyebrow in question.

A favor could mean anything from “Hey, pass me that napkin.” To “Hey, help me burry this body.” but then again Louis would do anything for Harry. Going to jail for a murder he did not commit included.

“Just don’t walk away from me.”

Louis’ heart pounds at the request.

“All right. Jeez, seriously when did you get so-”

“I just don’t like seeing you walk away.”

So simple, so delicately phrased, it makes Louis feel something he had long forced himself to let go of. And as always, he deflects his feelings with a joke. 

“You don’t like seeing me walk away? I thought I looked good in these jeans… Guess I was wrong.”

“I’m being serious, Louis.”

“And I’m not?!”

“Louis.”

“Yeah, yeah. Alright.”

Louis rolls his eyes as a low buzz starts filling the air.

“Who’s calling you at this hour?”

“With that ringtone? My dad,”

He answers the call with a happy “Hey there Mr. Father,”

Louis runs the heel of his Vans across the sand as he listens in. “We- I’m- What? No, no. We- We didn’t leave! We’re at the beach. We were coming back right now.” He takes a pause as he thinks for a second, eyes intently on Louis. “Well, actually, Louis got a little drunk and I thought it’d be best if he took a walk and felt the ocean breeze on his face to sober him up.” Harry grins as Louis slaps at his arm.

“Harold!”

“Fine, fine, we’ll be right there.” He hangs up and they climb the stairs back up to the fair.

“Did he actually buy that I’m drunk?”

“What? No, of course not. You? No one would believe that of you, you perfect little Mr. goodie two shoes…”

Louis bites the inside of his lip. “Oh… you have no idea what you’re talking about, Styles. You’ve never seen me in action.”

Harry stops him with a hand to his chest. “Excuse me?”

“I did go to uni you know.”

“Oh, that’s just cruel. When we were kids it took Niall forever to get you to take a sip of his beer!”

“Don’t worry you’ll get to see it all. _Later_.”

“Later? Hey-”

Lottie walks up to them, a deep scowl set on her lips as she pulls them both by the arm and walks them towards the parking lot.

“Pizza. It’s time for pizza and you two are off God knows where doing God knows what.”

“We weren’t-”

“What are you-”

They protest in sync.

“Save it. Get in the car and let’s go. Everyone else is already gone. Let’s go. Move it. It’s pizza time. I don’t care what you were doing, just drive towards the pizza.”

“So, pizza then?”

~

“Ah, the children have arrived.”

“Children?”

Everyone else having arrived ten minutes’ prior, the agreed upon time, they have occupied the saved booths for their large party. Louis and Harry sit on the same side of the small booth that is left by the front as Lottie sits opposite to them.

Once they’ve settled in Liam sits next to Lottie, a white polo perfectly fitted onto his form.

“Did you order the pizza? I’m starving. It took me forever to find these two.” She glares as Louis pokes his tongue at her.

“Already in the oven, love. And yes, Harry, children. When you act like a child you get referred to as one.”

“And _how,”_ Harry sits forward, both hands on the table. “are we acting like children if I may ask?”

“Like you don’t know.”

Louis reclines back against the wall, ready to enjoy the banter.

“If I knew I wouldn’t be asking, would I?”

“Would you?”

“Would I?”

“Child.”

“Me!? How am I the one acting like a child?”

“Explaining it to a child might be difficult.”

“Chicken.”

“And how old are you again?”

“Taller than you last I checked.”

“How is that even relevant here?”

“Being taller is always relevant.”

“Man child.”

“Ouch. Wise brain with a young heart, what an insult. Really, your best work.”

“You really want me to explain it?”

“If it’s not too much trouble…”

Liam sighs as he catches Zayn snickering in the corner, the rest of the party’s attention on them as well. “You’re acting like children… Sneaking off and doing your own thing… just like when we were kids. It was always you too, apart from the rest of us. Your own little secret club.”

“Huh.” Harry tilts his head right.

“What?”

“You’re jealous!”

“What?” Liam rolls his eyes dragging out the vowel.

Harry laughs. “You’re jealous that Louis chose me over you!”

“Again, _you’re a child_.”

“Who told you I chose you over him?” Everyone ‘oooooooh’s as Harry turns to face Louis, his bright blue eyes calm and challenging. Their knees brush against each other under the table as Harry inches closer.

“Excuse me?” He arches a brow and Louis can’t help but crack a smile

“Who told you I chose you over him?”

“No, I heard you the first time.”

Harry starts leaning into him slowly, making sure never to break eye contact.

“Did you now?”

“You want to explain yourself, handsome?”

His body heat now on Louis, Harry pushes a hand to the wall to hold himself up.

“Not really.”

“That so?”

Louis scoffs as his cheeks begin turning red. “We might spend more time together, but that doesn’t automatically mean that I choose you over Liam…”

“Ha! He’s got you there, Styles. See? He likes me better. Now get off your high horse and-”

“Oh, no,” Louis breaks eye contact with Harry to toss Liam a smile. “I do choose him, sorry. It’s just that that’s not why.”

Harry smiles as he leans closer, Louis’ eyes back on his.

“It’s not?”

“Nah.”

“Why not?”

“It’d be a boring reason; don’t you think?”

“Then what?”

He shrugs. “Who knows?”

“I thought maybe you would.”

“Do I?”

“Do you?”

“Maybe.”

“Oh just kiss already.” Liam laughs out as he rolls his eyes and gets up.

“What!?” Louis whips his head in his direction as Liam continues laughing obliviously.

Lottie’s eyes frantically shoot towards Harry now sitting back in his original spot staring straight down at his plate as if in conversation with it.

“You two really are children. Bickering like siblings.” He ticks his tongue a couple of times before moving his attention to the blonde on his right. “I’ve got to go check on the pizzas. Keep an eye on them, make sure they don’t kill each other?”

Lottie laughs it off nervously. “Will do.”

“So, um, Gemma,” Lottie, bless her, diverts everyone else’s attention. “How are you doing with the wedding planning? Big day’s coming up. Do you have your something borrowed, old, new and blue?”

“Yeah, yeah. Everything’s working out, we have to iron out the last few final details but everything will be ready by Saturday. Why do you ask?”

Lottie glances briefly between Harry and Louis, their banter no longer in place they retreat back into themselves in silence.

“Just thought I’d help out if you needed anything, that’s all.”

“Aw. That’s really sweet, Lotts but I think our wedding planner has got everything under control.”

“You know where to find me if that changes.”

Everyone except the aforementioned statues laughs, the parlor filling with joy.

[Taylor Swift - ‘tis the damn season](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WuvhOD-mP8M)


	2. Chapter II: I’ll walk with you through the dark even if you don’t promise me morning:

Two days after the annual family fun day, as Blake likes to call it, Louis walks into his old high school, the dim hallways pulling at memories he’d long forgotten. Black sunglasses draped over his eyes, dark blue buttoned shirt grasping his figure perfectly, strawberry red lips quirked up in a half smile as he passes the trophy case, a picture of Niall holding up a golf trophy over his head hangs in the corner just like it did when Louis was last here. He walks past his old locker, the image of it being flooded by Harry’s nonsense notes that ranged anywhere from a “see you at lunch!”, to the occasional “remember to smile, sweetums!” to the never ending bad jokes and silly anecdotes that Harry just couldn’t wait ‘til the end of the day to tell Louis all about, slips out of him with a smile.

He walks into their old English Lit classroom, which is now Harry’s English Lit classroom, removing his sunglasses in one swift motion. “Mr. Styles, you’d be very pleased to know that-”

His words cut off at the sight of a woman sitting on Harry’s desk. A young woman, definitely younger than him, wearing a yellow pencil skirt and a light pink button down as she swings her legs under the table. He notices her hand resting on Harry’s arm as a smile plasters her face. Clearly she was laughing before he interrupted them.

“Oh, sorry. I didn’t know you were busy; I can come back later.”

The woman leaps off the table and walks towards Louis, her hand stretched out in front of her. She’s pretty, Louis notices. Blonde hair pulled back in a tight hair bun, chocolate brown eyes, freckles dusting her cheeks and a very intoxicating smile. Attractive. If you’re into that type of stuff. Which, mind you, he isn’t. And he didn’t think Harry was either.

“Don’t be silly, I was just leaving.” She shakes Louis’ hand happily as she introduces herself. “Ashley Schmidt. You must be Louis, Harry’s told me lots about you!” _He has?_ He chances a glance at Harry who’s smiling at him from across the room, emerald green eyes slightly focused on how fitted the shirt is on Louis. _You have?_

“I’d love to stay and chat but I’ve got lots to do. I better be on my way, can’t leave the kids waiting!” She walks out of the classroom with a final smile back towards Harry, who gracefully returns the gesture, leaving him and Louis alone, a single window open in the back of the room as rustle of wind makes its way through the empty classroom.

Harry stands from his chair hands in his pockets as he walks around the table. “Hi.”

“She was…”

“Perky? I know. I wasn’t a fan of it at first but you get used to all the… happy.”

“No, not that. Flirting with you.”

“Excuse me?” He leans against the table with a laugh, white button-down tightening as he crosses his arms against his chest.

“The way she was sitting, her smile, the eyes… the um…” He gestures towards Harry’s shoulder as he gulps. “The whole arm on the shoulder thing… she was fully flirting with you.”

“Oh come on, she wasn’t flirting. She does that all the time.”

“So she flirts with you all the time?”

 _This’ll be good_.

“And that bothers you?”

“What?”

“Does that bother you? That other people might or might not, _not_ by the way, be flirting with me?”

“Why would that bother me?” Louis crosses his arms across his chest, a clear sign that it does, but Harry doesn’t point it out. “We aren’t dating.” _Never have._ “Why would that bother me?” _Why would it?_ “No, it didn’t, it doesn’t…” _I mean she was standing pretty close. And her hand was- Crap._

“Just making sure.”

“Can we get back to me? I came here to tell you something.”

“That my coworkers hit on me?”

“Shut up. No.” He smiles to himself as Louis steps closer. “I found a job. I start tomorrow.”

“A job? That fast? Wow. Great! Wow that fast, really?”

“I’m a double board-certified OB/GYN, Harry. I was top 3 in my class. I’m in very high demand. Besides, babies are always being made and-”

“Yeah, apparently by me and Ashley.”

“Would you just drop that already? It was just an observation, geez.”

“So,” He claps his hands together.

“So?”

“Am I taking you out to celebrate or what?”

“Don’t you have class?” He gestures towards the rows of empty tables.

“No, I’m done for the day.”

“Don’t you have a date with Ashley?”

“So you _are_ jealous.”

“No, not jealous, just hungry. Let’s go.” Louis walks out the door as Harry reaches back around the table to grab his jacket, a smug smile creeping its way to his lips.

“Right…”

~

“Is that why you fell for him?”

Louis offers him a distracted “Hhm?” as he doesn’t look up from his menu at the question.

“Philip. Is that why you fell for him?”

 _Are you-_ Louis looks up at the sound of the name, his eyes darting towards green irises across the table in distress.

“What?”

“The whole Hero-Surgeon-I’m-so-smart thing, is that why you fell for him?”

Louis smiles as he drops the menu in front of him. “I thought we’d already established that I fell for him because I’m a broken idiot.”

“Be serious.”

“I am.” Harry falls silent as he waits for more. “Look, I was a kid starting something new, a whole new life away from everything I knew…” _Away from you._ “I don’t know; he was comforting?” _A distraction._ “Safe?” _The complete opposite of what I wanted._ “If that makes sense.” _Of who I wanted._ “I don’t know he just seemed…” _Like not you._

“Like he wasn’t a risk?”

“Yeah, exactly.” He thinks about it for a second. _Like he wasn’t a risk. Like I wouldn’t be the one doing the hurting. Yeah, that’s exactly why._ “Why do you ask?”

“Huh?”

“Why do you want to know why I fell for him?”

“Oh, I just… I don’t know. He’s very talented and he saves lives for a living, he’s a god damned superhero, and I’m just a high-school teacher so-”

“There’s nothing to compare between you two. Nothing at all. He’d never be a quarter of the man you are.” Louis picks the menu back up as the words fall effortlessly from his lips.

“So, His glance quickly switches from the word “lasagna” back up to Harry and back again. “Do you take Ashley out for lunch and talk about her exes?”

“Louis William Tomlinson.”

“Is that a yes?”

“Is that jealousy?”

His eyes glide across the menu, brushing off the question with a simple tilt of the head. “Maybe.”

Harry smiles at the response. _Maybe._

And maybe that’s as close as he’ll ever get. Their entire relationship will cling onto a “maybe”. He’ll mull over that one word, barely two syllables long, night after night. _Maybe_. It’s far more than he’s ever gotten. It’s far more than he’ll probably ever get. Maybe it’s just a “maybe” but he sure as hell won’t let it slip away.

“No.” He breathes out, looking down at his own menu making Louis look up from his.  
  


As dessert is put in front of them Louis can’t bite his tongue any longer. But then again, when has he ever been able to do so? 

“You told her about me?”

“Who?”

“Ashley. She said she’d heard a lot about me.”

Harry nods along putting a piece of Oreo cheesecake into his mouth. “You’re a very interesting topic.”

“Why am I an interesting topic?”

“Because…” He swallows and goes in for another bite. “Like you said, you were top 3 in your class.”

“You talk to people about my medical degree?”

“What can I say, Lou? I’m proud of you.”

Louis smiles warmly at that. _Proud._

They’ve been in a rocky place for some time but knowing that Harry still thinks of him, is still proud of him, makes his heart dance to the beat of a drum. They’ve drifted, god have they drifted, away from each other for so long. Like pieces of Styrofoam at sea, every wave pushing them farther and farther apart, floating aimlessly hoping to one-day reach the shore. Just the idea that Harry might’ve missed him half as much as he’s missed Harry is enough to make Louis’ heart do things he didn’t think were possible.

There’s too much they haven’t said over the years, so much they’ve avoided, each other for starters, that it feels intoxicating to just sit and talk. Sit and make eyes at each other across the table while they both pretend that isn’t what they’re doing. Sit and breathe together just like they did back then.

“I’d reach over and wipe the chocolate off of your face but then your girlfriend might think there’s something going on between us. And we don’t want that, do we?”

Harry wipes the chocolate off with a napkin as he shakes his head. “Will you _let_ _it_ _go_ already?”

His lips pull up into the sweetest smile as the familiarity of Louis teasing him knocks at his front door. Hours upon hours, if not days, of Louis endlessly teasing him over the slightest thing run around in his memory. The images as fresh as if they’d happened this morning. 

“So,” He looks across the table to where Louis is sporting a mischievous smile. “Tell me about the job.”

It's probably a lot of medical terms he won’t even understand but he wants to know it all. He wants to know every detail of Louis the doctor, every detail he’s missed out on. He wants to hear about any and every patient that’s ever meant anything to Louis. Every dumb anecdote about med school. Every corny joke. Every suture, every stitch, every Band-Aid. He’s ready to listen to every insignificant detail that spurs from Louis’ lips.

He’s willing to listen to anything at all if it means he can hear Louis’ voice. 

“What do you want to know?”

“I don’t know.” He says with a shrug as if were a mere afterthought. “Just… tell me.”

Louis eyes glide over his features, Harry’s green eyes lined with curiosity as they gaze back at him. “It’s boring medical stuff, H. I’m sure you’d rather talk about something else.” Louis tears his eyes away from Harry’s and returns his attention back to his dessert, pushing around a piece of it with his fork.

“No. I really wouldn’t”

Louis lulls it over in his head. There’s something about the way Harry looks at him, he realizes. It’s as if he’s waiting for Louis to begin talking and never stop. It’s the same look that’s imbedded into Louis’ memory from when they were younger. Almost like he’d be willing to wait forever.

“Alright,” Louis sighs, knowing they could stay like this, eyes locked, breaths held, forever. “Well, this is a private practice, so it’s less patients than I’m accustomed to, but that’s alright because all of the patients I _will_ be getting will be needing my full and undivided attention.” He nods his head as he explains. “I’ll have my own department to run, my own little minions to boss around.” Harry smiles crookedly at that. “The hours are fairly flexible and I have a great parking spot.” He says matter-of-factly.

“A parking spot? You’re bragging about a parking spot?”

“Hey if you’d lived if New York for as long as I did, you’d get how big of a deal this is!”

And they go on like that for what seems like hours. The conversation never arriving at a dead end as Harry asks question after question, drinking up every last bit of information Louis is willing to give.

~

**[Texting] Monday, November 6 th, 7:42pm**

**Harry:** thank you

 **Louis:** for?

 **Harry:** for today

 **Louis:** you were the one who took me to lunch, H

 **Louis:** I should be the one thanking you

 **Harry:** no, it’s not that

 **Louis:** then what?

 **Harry** : I’ve missed you 

**Louis** : I’ve missed you too, you sap

 **Louis** : but now there’s no way you’ll ever get rid of me :P

 **Harry:** Let’s go out tonight.

 **Louis:** Like, like a date?

 **Harry:** No?

 **Louis:** No?

 **Harry:** No.

 **Harry** Like a group thing.

 **Louis:** Group?

 **Harry:** You, me, Lisa, Niall, Gemma, Chris, Liam, Zayn, you know? The group.

 **Louis:** Like the old days

 **Harry:** Exactly

 **Louis:** Pick me up at eight?

 **Harry:** Always do, don’t I?

~

Stained dark wooden walls, big ugly very comfortable red booths, good food, savory drinks, an impeccable music selection, and a fancy shmancy dart board, it’s everything teenagers want in a hangout spot. Shelby’s Bar has been their go to hangout ever since they were kids barely old enough to go anywhere without their parents.

The owner, James, having been friends with their parents long before any of them came along, loves them like they’re his own children. Everyone else in the staff treats them like family as well, always sliding some slightly-too-burned-to-sell fries their way.

And now years later, the same old quaint bar still feels warm and safe. The outdated décor pulling them back in time to when their futures were merely a dream.

Harry leans against Louis in the booth at the far end of the bar, the rightfully named “Virgin cocktail corner”, as a whisper escapes him. The hairs on the back of Louis neck stand as Harry’s breath lands on his skin.

“It’s later.”

Louis’ attention is dragged from the group by the low husk of Harry voice. His nose brushing close to Harry’s as he turns to face him.

“What?”

“You said I’d get to see you in action later. It’s later.”

“You mean drunk off my ass?” Harry nods with a big stupid grin on his face. “Not a chance.”

He pops his bottom lip out looking like a lost puppy. “Just a little bit?”

“Nope. No way. Forget it. And don’t give me the puppy look- You know that doesn’t work on me, Styles.”

“Tell you what,” Louis leans into him as he waits for Harry to continue. “Just this once, I’ll let you get wickedly drunk and I won’t have a sip of alcohol, so I’ll be here to take care of you if things get out of hand…”

Louis lips brush over the space right in front of Harry’s as he stretches his neck further. Louis smiles against Harry’s ear as he whispers. “In. Your. Dreams. Haz.” Words drenched in the heat of his lips as they land somewhere in Harry.

Harry’s mouth rests inches away from the nape of his neck as neither moves. Louis’ lips a whisper away from his earlobe, they giggle together as Harry rests his head on Louis’ shoulder.

“Harry, can you get your face out of Louis’ neck for two seconds and settle a debate for us?”

His head snaps back so fast he practically gets whiplash.

“What!?”

“A debate, we need you to be the tie breaker.”

He sits up, hands folded against the table as lies in wait.

“Okay?”

“Bailey. What do you think of the name Bailey for the baby?”

“Bailey? Um… I don’t know. It’s good?” He glances towards Louis, not knowing how he ended up in this situation. How does he know what a good name for a baby is? Why is she asking him?

“For God’s sake, can’t you make a decision on your own without looking towards him for approval? Seriously, Harry, you’re a big boy now, you don’t need Louis for everything.”

“Lisa,” Louis calls leaning forward. “Your jealous is showing, love. You sound like Liam.”

“I wasn’t jealous!” Liam whines out from the other end of the booth.

“I just want him to answer the freaking question. Is it that hard? Harry, Bailey, yes or no?” He’s not God. He doesn’t know the right way to name a baby. Is there a right way to name a baby? Who came up with the concept of naming babies? What did people do before naming babies? Did they just have different types of grunts for different people? Or were they all the same grunt?

“Bailey, sure. Yeah- Yes. I like Bailey.”

“Thank you. See, Niall, it’s a good name.”

“Darling, it’s still early, we don’t have to decide on names now.”

“Puh-lease,” All eyes turn to Zayn as he leans over the table. “Louis’ had his kid’s names picked out since he was like six.”

“He has?” Harry eyes dart back to Louis. “You have?”

“Maybe?”

“You never told me- What’re they?”

“I’m not telling you.”

“What? Why?”

“It might jinx it?”

“Oh, but Zayn gets to know? Wow.”

“Calm down, child.” So that’s stuck with him forever now. “I don’t actually _know_ the names; I just know he already picked them out.” Zayn glances between them. “What is it with you two these days? You’re acting weird.”

“He’s not acting weird.”

“I’m not acting weird.”

The entire booth’s attention lands on them as they protest almost simultaneously.

“ _Right_ …” Harry and Louis avoid eye contact, like that’s going to prove their case, as Lisa turns her head to the side. “Anyways, moving on, weird people- Should we order some food? I’m eating for two and we’re starving.”

“I’ll go.”

Everyone goes back to their baby name conversation as Louis slides out of the booth and walks towards the bar.

“No, Liam, we are not naming our child after a comic book character-” Harry starts to hear faintly in the distance as he watches Louis order, his eyes never once looking back at the table.

Louis is deep in conversation with Sophie, his favorite cashier, when he feels a slight tap on his shoulder.

“Louis Tomlinson?”

“Yeah?”

“Rigs. Dean Rigs. We did second year together? You saved my ass more than once with your notes?”

His eyes go wide as he takes in the man in front of him. Short black hair accompanied by soft golden eyes smile at him as the memory of a younger, much scrawnier looking Rigs pops into Louis’ mind.

“Rigs! Yes. Yeah. I remember. Hi! Yeah, sorry.” Louis goes in for a hug. “I’m a little distracted right now. Of course I remember you. How are you? How’s everything. Oh god- I’m sorry, I’m all over the place.”

“Don’t worry about it. I’m good, I’m really good. It’s great to see you again. God, how long has it been?”

“Your guess is as good as mine.” Dean throws him a polite chuckle. “What’re you doing here?”

“Shelby’s? Drinking. My buddies left a while ago, I was just about to pay when I saw someone I thought I’d recognized…”

“No, no. I mean here. This town. _My_ town. What brings you here?”

“Oh. I’m visiting my cousin. Your town?”

“Yeah, just moved back. You went into trauma surgery?”

“Yeah, I did. OBG/YN, if I remember correctly?”

“Yeah. I’m actually working at a private clinic not far from here.”

“Wow, private practice, you’ve got a real go big or go home attitude. I like it.”

“I went big _and_ I went home.” He laughs at his own dumb joke and the worst part is that he’s a bit sad Harry didn’t he hear it. Crappy jokes are his thing after all, he’d laugh and probably applaud dramatically if he were here.

“Hello there.” Louis’ attention is pulled towards a husky voice, again, belonging to one Harry Styles, who has somehow drifted from the group and now finds himself standing in front of Louis and some stranger with over gelled hair making him crack a smile.

Maybe he did hear the joke after all, Louis thinks.

“Harry, hey. This- This is my friend, Dean. Dean Rigs. We went to school together. Rigs, this is my- um…”

What do you call your childhood best friend, whom you haven’t talked to in the better part of nine years because you were terrified of your feelings for? Your mate?

“This is Harry.”

Dean holds out his hand and Harry begrudgingly shakes it, a tight, not so friendly, grip in place.

“Pleasure, Dean.” Harry offers him an empty smile; one Louis hadn’t seen in a while. “You ordered the food, sweet cheeks?”

 _And there it is,_ Louis thinks. Passive aggressive Harry Edward Styles, reporting for takeoff.

“Yeah, should be out any minute.”

“Wow, I never thought I’d see the day where someone’d call badass Dr. Louis Tomlinson, sweet cheeks. I’m impressed. Harry, was it?”

“That’s me.” He fights back the urge to rolls his eyes as he catches a tray of food in the distance. “Oh look, food’s here!” Harry picks up the tray from the bar. “Don’t worry, Mickey, I’ll take it.”

The bartender nods. It’s not uncommon for them to get their own food, it’s less work for the staff and they’ve never minded helping out a bit.

Harry puts his hand on Louis’ lower back and makes to leave. “Lisa needs her food.”

“It was great seeing you, Dr. Tomlinson. And great meeting you, Harry.”

“Dido.” Harry’s voice grows distant as he starts to push Louis towards the booth.

“Wait! Have a drink with us.”

“What?”

Harry stops dead in his tracks, hand falling off of Louis’ frame. “Yeah, what?”

“Come on, Harry. He’s here drinking alone. He should at least stay for one drink.”

“No. I wouldn’t want to impose-”

“Nonsense. Come on, I’ll introduce you to everyone.” Louis pulls him by the arm towards the booth leaving Harry standing behind holding the tray of food.

Harry mumbles to himself as he walks a few steps behind them. “Do you need help with that, Harry? No, Lou, I’m fine thank you. Are you sure, I can help you, it looks heavy. I’m fine, Lou, don’t worry.”

After everyone’s been introduced Harry sets the food down in front of Lisa who jumps right in and starts eating.

“I’m sorry, Dean, I’m usually not like this, it’s just that eating for two, you know?” Mouth full she reaches for more food.

“That is an utter lie.” Liam chimes in. “She’s always been like this. Don’t let the pregnancy fool you.”

“It’s true.” Gemma agrees.

“Will the both of you shut it?”

“Aw, but that’s one of the things we love most about you, Li.”

The night flows effortlessly as jokes and old stories keep jumping out of everyone’s mouths. Harry sits in the corner of the booth completely withdrawn as he watches the night flourish. Louis seems to be having a splendid time with Dean who definitely did not just stay for one drink. They do shots, Louis doing two more than everyone else, Harry doing none. Louis and Dean crackle along to some medical joke no one else seemed to grasp as Lisa scolds Louis for taking a few of her fries. And all Harry does is watch Louis with a furrowed brow.

Niall’s wondering eyes land on Harry’s expression, his jaw clenched and shoulders tense. He gestures for Harry to follow him to the bar for more drinks, Harry does so without a second thought.

“What’s with you and Dean?”

Harry leans against the bar. “Nothing.”

“You’ve been in an… off mood since he got here.”

“I’m fine. I’m great.” Niall follows Harry ’s gaze, passing through the crowd in the bar and landing back at the booth on a slightly tipsy Louis.

“Ah, now I get it.”

“What?”

“Nothing, it’s just that something clicked.”

“Something?”

“Something.”

“Have I ever told you that you’re weird?”

“Multiple times. I think my favorite one was at my wedding reception.”

And at that, the wedding accidentally leeks out of his memory.

The faint smell of champagne wafting around him as the sweet taste of vanilla settled in his mouth. The music booming out of a nearby speaker making his drink vibrate in his glass. The dainty flickering fairy lights on the tent set against dusk as the dry summer air wrapped around his suit. His eyes following a pair of mesmerizing blue ones as they moved across the dancefloor to the music. Those same eyes shimmering as he made his speech. The way the glass touched Louis’ lips as they toasted the happy couple. His hand resting around Louis’ waist, an arm on his shoulder moving up ever so slightly to rub the crook of Harry’s neck. The way Harry whispered in his ear, just like he had done now, and the way Louis’s phone displayed Philips caller ID, shattering his chances at another dance.

A bittersweet memory, as they all seem to be these days, as that night seems to be the only source of light in the past decade. Just for that moment, it seemed like they’d forgotten all about the cold tree house, all about the screaming and tears, all about the words thrown around landing sharp edges on each other’s skin. A night that gave Harry false hope for their future.

Well… until now.

“Hazzzz!” He comes back from it as the images fade, Louis walking towards him from the table, a hand glued to his hip.

“Yes?”

“Why’d you leeeaave? Come back.” Harry’s nose scrunches up slightly as Louis tugs on his arm playfully offering a small smile.

“You’re drunk, Lou.”

“No, Harold. I am, in fact, not drunk.” He leans into Harry in a whisper. “I might have had a little, just a little, too much to drink,” He pulls back to look at Harry as he rushes into an explanation, as if being ready to be scolded. “B _ut_ , it’s not my fault. I didn’t plan this.” Harry’s eyes shift worriedly between Louis’. He has work in the morning for god’s sake. What is he doing drinking this much? “Why are you looking at me like that? Isn’t this what you wanted?”

“No.” Well yes, but under different circumstances. He knows Louis isn’t the type to get drunk before a big day. That’s precisely why Harry was teasing him. He knew he’d never go for it. “You know you’re starting work tomorrow, right?”

“Yeah, yeah. I know. But, like I said, it’s not my fault.”

Dean walks up to the bar as Louis clings onto Harry’s bicep, gluing himself to his side.

“Tomlinson, you’re a little tipsy… Want me to take you home?”

“No, I’m-”

Harry wraps an arm around Louis’ waist before he can answer.

“No, Dean, it’s fine. I’ll take him home. Always do…” _Did_ , but that’s beside the point. He _used to_ drive Louis everywhere. They spent day and night together so it wasn’t like it was against his will or anything.

“Yes, you do.” Louis hugs himself deeper onto Harry’s side. “Take me home…To bed,” He chuckles at the innuendo before explaining further. “Where it’s warm and I can sleep.” He’s definitely tipsy. “I’ll go get my stuff.” He whispers as he unglues himself form Harry and looks into his eyes. “Don’t. Move.”

Louis walks back to the table and grabs his jacket as he says goodbye to everyone. Once he starts to reach Harry again Dean steps in-between them.

“Harry, aren’t you a little too drunk to drive?”

“No, I’m not. I’m fine. I actually haven’t had that much to drink.” One single beer that kept him company all night, still reaching his lips past it’s lukewarm stage.

“I still think it’s best if I-”

“Dean.” His voice stern, almost as a threat, stops Dean from going on further. He doesn’t mean to sound rude but Dean is overstepping. “Do you think I’d ever put him in danger?” He doesn’t need to try and prove himself to Dean, but yet here he finds himself, walking around him and heading straight for Louis. “In any moment in time, do you think _I_ would risk his life for any reason?” Louis hugs Harry under his sweater, his own jacket pulled over him warmly.

“If he says he can drive, he can drive.” It was one beer, he’s fine. He could probably fly a plane if he knew how.

Dean nods and Harry turns for the door, Louis wrapped around his middle.

“Is there something there I should know?”

Niall sighs as he puts a hand on Dean’s shoulder. “When it comes to those two, I’m not so sure _they_ know.” 

“Know what?”

Niall shrugs, paying for the new drinks and walking back to their booth.

~

“Alright, Lou, what gives?”

The house is still bright as they pull into the driveway, Lottie must be studying or something.

Louis’ head leaned back on the head rest, eyes closed, he turns towards the low voice. “What do you mean?”

Harry knows he probably shouldn’t tempt the waters. It’s been good between them lately; he doesn’t want to risk even the tiniest possibility of ruining that. Again. But this feels different, a new different. A different he doesn’t like.

“Well, one moment you’re forbidding me from seeing you drunk and then the next you’re practically spinning around the bar. It was all very cute, trust me, but what gives?”

Louis palms his face. He didn’t mean to. He really didn’t. But the moment Harry shut off, he did too. As soon as Harry pulled away from him it was like he pulled away from himself.

“I know. I’m sorry. I didn’t mean- I just-” He bites his lip as he turns towards Harry. “What’s up with you and Dean? Why do you hate him so much? Why did you completely disconnect from me as soon as he arrived?” _You just left me._ “Not one word was spoken my way.” _You left me._

“ _I_ disconnected from _you_? Me?”

“Harry-”

“You _abandoned_ me.”

“You were the one who _left_ the booth.”

“You _ran_ out of the booth first.”

Louis goes over it in his head. His thoughts a little fuzzy from the drinks. _You left me, were all sulky and miserable because I left you and I drank and got all weird because you left me? Great. Wonderful._

“So, it’s my fault.”

Harry’s words stumble into each other, barely being able to catch a breath as he turns fully towards Louis. “What? No, no. What’re you talking about? No. Why do you always need to blame someone? Why do you always need to blame yourself? No. It wasn’t your fault. You were doing something nice for a friend, I get it. I shouldn’t- It’s a very Louis thing to do. It was sweet. It was me. I…”

“I get it. I would’ve felt the same if the situation were reversed.” Louis unbuckles his seatbelt. “I’m sorry, H. I really am.”

“Stop it. You did nothing wrong. Don’t apologize.” Louis’ eyes grow tired with each blink. “You want me to walk you inside?”

“Only if you _really_ want to.”

~

[Christian Akridge - Please Notice  
](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fwXzCSBYBUs)

[Tarune - Goodnight Baby](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LuQ9YKeraiE)

Harry leans down and places a kiss on Louis’ forehead as he pulls the covers up to his neck and snuggles against the pillow. Once he’s made makes sure he’s safe and comfortable in bed, Harry turns and makes for the door only stopping when a small sleepy voice reaches his ears.

“Don’t do that again.” He turns to Louis who is now kneeling on the bed. “Leave. Don’t- Don’t leave again.” _Please_.

“Then don’t let me.”

Louis sits on the bed under the covers as Harry leans against the door frame, arms crossed against his chest. “Why don’t you want me to see you drink? I mean, as far as I’ve seen, you’re fine. You get a little sappy, sure, but I quite liked that part.” Harry smiles and his eyes twinkle in the dark. 

“This isn’t drunk me.”

“No?”

“No.” Louis looks out the window towards the street. The dim lights playing with the shadows. “Drunk me gets very real very fast. And…”

“And?”

“I might say something.”

“Something- Something you shouldn’t say?”

“I don’t- I’m not sure.”

“Well, do you _want_ to say it?” Louis turns his head in Harry’s direction, his expression as comforting as ever.

“Maybe…”

And there it is again. One word, two syllables, and a whole lot of hoping.

He nods. “I’ll be here. For when you figure it, I mean. No rush.”

“No?”

“No rush.” He turns on his heel and leaves Louis in the dark quiet room, alone with his thoughts.

“No rush…” He repeats once more before closing his eyes and drifting off to sleep.

~

**[Texting]  
Tuesday, November 7th, 12:17am**

**Harry:** How’s the first day going?

**Tuesday, November 7 th, 3:24 pm**

**Louis:** Sorry! I got pulled into an emergency surgery

 **Harry:** Already? On the first day?

 **Louis:** it’s not like it’s the first day of third grade, H 

**Harry:** I know, I know.

 **Harry:** Still… that’s a lot of pressure on your first shift.

 **Louis:** I’m used to it

 **Harry:** I bet you are

 **Louis:** how’s your day going?

 **Harry:** same old, same old

 **Harry:** it’s not like I’m, you know, saving lives or anything

 **Louis:** Me neither

 **Harry:** I thought you said you had surgery

 **Louis:** car crash victims

 **Louis:** The baby was premature, didn’t make it

 **Louis:** and the mom coded on the table.

 **Harry:** Are you okay?

 **Louis:** Yeah.

 **Louis:** No.

 **Louis:** I mean, I’m not _okay_ , but I’ve dealt with this before.

 **Louis:** I’ll be fine

 **Harry:** want me to come over later?

 **Louis:** no, it’s fine

 **Harry:** I’ll be over when I finish up here

 **Louis:** you don’t have to.

 **Louis:** It’s fine

 **Louis:** I’m fine

 **Harry:** I’ll pick up some dinner for the three of us

 **Louis:** Harry

 **Harry:** I’m coming. end of story

 **Louis:** you exhaust me

 **Harry:** always so sweet *kissy face emoji*

**~**

Louis walks through the door as laughter erupts from the kitchen. He arrives to find Lottie sitting at the table where it seems she was opening bags of food before whatever seems to have interrupted her did. Harry on the other hand is splayed out on his back on the floor.

Slight worry drapes Louis’ voice. “What happened?”

Lottie and Harry try to hold in their laughs. They fail miserably leaving Louis standing by the door looking very confused.

“H, why are you on the floor?”

In between fits of laughter Harry sits up.

“He fell.”

“He fell?”

“I fell.”

“You fell?”

“He did.”

“I did.”

“It was hilarious.”

“It was painful.”

Louis steps towards him offering his hand, Harry grabs it and pulls himself up.

“Are you okay? Are you hurt? Did you fall _on_ something?”

“Hey, hey, I’m fine.” Harry hugs him to his chest. “You don’t have to be _Dr_. Tomlinson here. Just be Louis.”

“How did you even fall?” He hugs Harry back, grabbing his wrists behind him.

“I don’t really know?”

“I turned around for a second to get the napkins and the next thing I knew; bam! He was on the floor.”

They breakout in laughter again, Louis still seeming worried.

~

[John Marc - Give & Take](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nedFG8uadeE)

“You want to talk about it?”

Harry stands tall at the sink washing dishes as he passes them over to Louis who dries them and puts them away.

“No, not really.” He sets the last plate down gently.

“You sure?”

Louis leans back against the counter as a previously constructed response slips off his tongue with ease. “Harry, I’m a surgeon, I know how to handle these things.”

“I know, Lou. I know you’re not a stranger to it.” He shuts off the sink and leans back on it, his left thumb brushing ever so lightly on Louis’. “I’m just saying that you don’t have go through it alone.” Louis nods as he smiles weakly at himself, the warmth of Harry’s fingers too familiar a touch.

“A few more weeks and she would’ve made it. She was so tiny, Harry. So, so tiny.” Harry wraps an arm around Louis’ waist pressing him to his chest.

He clings onto Harry for dear life, the fabric of his shirt scrunched up between his fists. It’s not long before Harry’s neck is sprinkle with tears as Louis whispers against him. “I did everything I could, but she just- she wasn’t ready…”

“I know, darling.” He says rubbing Louis’ back. “I know.”


	3. Chapter III: Your laugh has always been my favorite song; your silence a melody or a storm:

**[Spotify Playlist!](https://open.spotify.com/playlist/5mLHn6tTdyE5gw9aGaVpDl?si=hJoGSPPlS32SxguEkhAAYg) **

**[Youtube playlist!](https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLVJVNWaMXwUe5Z1Z5A3jyfi0sojk35R4Y) **

(now back to our regularly scheduled programing)  
  


**~**

**[Texting] Wednesday, November 8th, 12:44pm**

**Louis:** I’ve been thinking

 **Harry:** This can’t be good

 **Louis:** I think it will be

 **Harry** : ?

 **Louis:** I’ll tell you over dinner

 **Harry:** dinner?

 **Harry:** sure.

 **Louis:** I’ll pick you up at around 7

 **Harry:** okay

~

“So?”

“So?”

“You said you’ve been thinking?”

“I have been, yes.” Louis swirls his drink around, the sweat from the glass dripping over his fingers as he bites the inside of his lip anxiously, a habit that he really should try to get rid of one of these days.

Harry smiles, reaching for his own glass and leaving a water ring on the table in front of him.

Louis releases his bottom lip from the clutches of his teeth as he sets his own glass down. He should probably not be drinking anyways as one of his patients is due to deliver today and he should be ready at a moment’s notice to meet her and her wife at the hospital.

“Maybe- Maybe we shouldn’t go to the wedding alone.”

Harry’s eyebrows arch. “What?”

“The wedding. We shouldn’t go by ourselves.”

“You want-”

“We should have dates.” He cuts in before Harry can even form the correct question in his brain.

“Dates?”

“Yeah. Dates.”

“Okay? But-”

The waiter places their food in front of them and offers them each a smile. Harry looks down at his plate, steam hitting his nostrils as he then looks back up at Louis, a fork already in hand.

“ _Other_ people kind of dates?”

Louis sighs setting his fork down on the plate. His eyes wonder over Harry’s expressionless gaze, green eyes set on him. Him, him. Him. 

“Yes…”

“Why?” It may come out a bit drier than he meant but the tone complements Louis’ idiocy very well.

“Why, what?”

“Why do we need dates?”

“Its… safer.”

 _Safer._ The word burns against his thoughts. _Safer_ , meaning that there’s danger. Meaning that he, Harry, is danger. _Safer_ meaning- You know what? Never mind. His shoulders fall as he drops the subject, knowing that he’s not going to get the answer he wants from Louis. He never has, why would that change now?

“Safer.” He repeats back and Louis nods.

Once they’ve paid for dinner they wait outside for the valet to come around with Louis’ car. The door to the restaurant opens and closes a few time as couples go in and out, all smiling wide eyed at each other, hands draped from body to body as giggles and soft hums fill the air. Louis bites the inside of his bottom lip, again (and he really should do something about that, with having Harry around this much he might rip off his lip completely at some point), feeling Harry ’s eyes on him as they stand next to each other waiting. Just waiting.

“Do you not trust me?” The taller man questions and has Louis whipping around to meet his eyes in a second.

“What?”

“At the wedding. Do you not trust-”

The valet pulls up as Louis intervenes, dropping his eyes to the ground for an instant before turning his attention to the valet, Victoria, her tag says.

“I don’t trust myself.”

Louis walks around to the driver’s side and tips the girl, a warm complementing smile on his lips as Harry opens the passenger’s side door and sits in the cool air.

“So… These dates…” He asks after a while. “Did you have anyone in mind?”

“As a matter of fact, I did.”

“For you or for me?”

“Both?”

Harry drums his fingers against his thigh, mind a whirlwind trying to grasp any sense to this whole “Safer to go with other people” plan.

“I was thinking you should ask Ashley.”

“Ashley!?”

His eyes widen towards Louis and yeah, he can’t find anything to make this make sense. He knows Louis isn’t particularly fond of the girl since their last meeting, why on earth would he want him to take Ashley?

“She seems to like you; I’m sure she’d be more than happy to be your date.”

“Ashley?”

“Ashley.”

“You want me to go to my sister’s wedding- _with_ _Ashley_.”

“Harry.” His voice low, Louis quickly glances at him before returning his attention to the road. Harry studies his eyes for the split second they looked into his, soft and as blue as the sky outside.

“ _Fine_. Fine.” Damn those eyes. He’d walk straight into the ocean if they asked him to. “I’ll go with Ashley.” Louis nods slowly. “And who will you be going with? If I’m allowed to ask.”

Louis runs a hand through his hair as he anticipates Harry’s reaction. _It’s for the best,_ he reassures himself, lips parting to form the name.

“Dean.”

“ _Dean_?” Harry deadpans.

“Dean.”

“You’re joking, right?”

Louis doesn’t respond.

The silence is more than enough for Harry to know what it means. He always has. Harry knows the empty void Louis lets slide between them over and over again all too well.

“Louis, this-” He laughs at himself in disbelief. “This is-” He pinches his eyebrows together trying to maintain a level tone. 

“I don’t know anyone else who I could even ask, Harry.”

 _You could just not go with anyone else._ But Harry can’t say that. Can he? No he can’t. He won’t. Not when it can mean, however small a possibility, that Louis might want to walk the other way. Walk away from him. There’s no way in hell he’ll risk it now.

“Yeah. Okay.”

He really, really wants to say it though. Scream it as loud as his lungs allow him too. But as he always has, he bites his tongue back and complies with Louis.

“Harry, come on.”

Maybe if he says it- No. No. he can’t.

“No, no. I get it. _Dean_ the trauma god. _Dean_ the superhero. _Dean_ the _date_.”

“Haz-”

“Louis, it’s fine. If you want to go with dates, then let’s go with dates. You go with Dean and I’ll go with Ashley. It’s fine. I’m sure we’ll have a great time.”

“Ashley’s a great girl, I’m sure you’ll have a lovely time.”

Harry hums back in response, his eyes glued to the clouds above, doing everything in his power not to say something he might later regret.

 _Fantastic_. _Nothing can go wrong with this plan._ _Nothing at all._ Louis thinks as he glances in Harry’s direction again. This time, the vivid memory of hazy summer nights come back as Harry hangs his elbow out if the passenger’s side window, wind rippling through his curls.

They’d drive down to the beach, just the two of them, with nothing but the clothes on their backs and a few snacks. Drinking-in the dark night against the vast ocean, listening to whatever was on the radio, they’d sit on the hood of the car, hip to hip, gazing at the stars, talking about nothing and everything at once.

Spilling their dreams, their fears, stupid anecdotes from their day to day lives, discussing future movie nights, fighting over what they thought a certain cloud shape looked like, whatever it was their smiles never faded, their laughs always loud and genuine. Other times they’d sit in complete silence, nothing needed to be said, after all. Sometimes they just knew.

It became a sort of habit, driving down to the beach with their windows down as they stole quick glances of each other. Be it winter, summer, autumn or spring they always found themselves on that beach.

“We’re going to crash if you keep looking at me, Lou.”

And _Shit. Yeah. Right,_ Louis clears his throat, returning his attention to the road in front of him.

The corners of Harry’s lips turn up, the wind dancing against Louis’ lashes.

_Right._

~

**[Texting] Wednesday, November 8 th, 9:27pm**

**Lottie:** Who in God’s green earth is Ashley?

**Wednesday, November 8 th, 9:59pm**

**Harry:** what?

 **Lottie:** Louis said you’re going with someone named Ashley to the wedding

 **Harry:** did he also tell you that it was his brilliant idea?

 **Lottie:** what the actual-

 **Harry:** he said we should have dates for the wedding

 **Lottie:** he’s pushing you away

 **Harry:** no

 **Harry:** he’s pushing himself away

 **Lottie:** I’ll try to talk some sense into him

 **Harry:** no, don’t

 **Lottie:** I don’t like this

 **Harry:** it’s fine

 **Lottie:** no, it’s not

 **Harry:** it’ll be fine, Lotts

 **Lottie:** you sure?

 **Harry:** Don’t worry

 **Lottie:** you really sure?

 **Harry:** yeeees.

 **Harry:** I’ll pick you guys up tomorrow before the rehearsal dinner.

 **Lottie:** I still don’t like this

 **Harry:** I’ll still pick you up tomorrow before dinner

~

Ah, wedding rehearsals, the most useless dinners ever invented. The private room of a fancy restaurant, your closest friends and family, eating, drinking and most importantly, talking aimlessly about the wedding that is set to happen in the next few days. There’s nothing in this world Harry wouldn’t do for Gemma, seriously he’d do anything, but this wedding talk is getting to be too much.

And it seems that Chris agrees with Harry as his attention has diverted from the table and is now set upon the TV screen in the next room, the reflection of the game bouncing off of the window.

Everyone else around them is oblivious in their own conversations as Harry leans into Louis, his words barely above a whisper.

“You haven’t said much since we got here. You okay?”

“I’m fine.”

“Liar.” He pokes against Louis’ ribcage and he winces.

 _Saved by the bell,_ Gemma waves Louis over as Harry opens his mouth to continue questioning him. As soon as Louis is out of his seat, Alex slips in and sits next to his son, his fingers wrapped tightly against a glass of scotch.

After a while of pointless post-dinner chit chat, Dessert is served, the wedding talk still going strong.

Harry glances in Louis’ direction a couple of times in-between bites of cake. _Why do you have to shut me out?_ Harry thinks as Louis looks over his shoulder meeting his gaze. _Just talk to me._

“It’s a shame Samantha and Will can’t be here.”

“Dad-” He returns his attention to his father, scotch now replaced by a cup of tea.

“I know, I know.” He holds his hands up. “They have to take care of their family. I know. It’s just a shame they won’t see me walking your sister down the aisle, that’s all.”

“Oh, so this is about you!” Harry gapes at his father.

“No! And- And yes **.** But mostly no.”

“Right…”

“They’ve been here for all of the big moments. We all have. Graduations, birthdays, engagements, births, promotions, you name it.”

“Little league matches, sick days, poetry readings,” _Going away parties._ Although he decides it’s best to skip that one, the sheer memory of it pulling at his heart. “Games, pep rallies, school fairs, hospital visits-”

“Yes, yes.” Alex cuts in, knowing very well how long the list is. “All true. Now, if we can get back to me…”

“By all means, go ahead.” He gives his father a warm smile and a light chuckle.

“Thank you.” He bows his head dramatically. “As I was saying, they won’t get to see me walking Gemma down the aisle…”

“We’ll record it.”

“It’s not the same.”

“Tell you what.” Harry licks the last of the frosting off of his fork before setting it down, the metal hitting the crystal gently. “When the time comes, you can walk me down the aisle and Will and Sam will be there to witness it.”

Alex smiles, running a hand through his salt and pepper hair.

“And who are you planning to marry? Ryan Gosling?”

“How do _you_ know about Ryan Gosling?”

“Oh please, I don’t live under a rock.” Harry stares at him in question. “You and Louis have watched that movie so many times I’m surprised the DVD is still legible.”

Their legs tangled up under blankets on the couch, their laps warm with popcorn, Noah and Allie professing their love for each other over and over again. It was a perfect rainy day activity, he thinks back, one they repeated often, even on the sunniest of summer days.

“Speak of the devil!”

Louis walks back towards his original seat, an eyebrow raised at the sudden outburst towards him.

“Now I’m the devil? Harold, what have you been telling your father about me?”

Louis smiles as he leans on the back of Alex’s, really _his_ , chair, a hand pressed to his chest dramatically.

“All sorts of awful things really.” Harry throws back.

“All lies I presume.”

“Not a single one.”

“Is that so?” He arcs an eyebrow. “Tell me, my dear Alex, what kinds of horrid things have you and your evil spawn-”

“Evil spawn!?” Harry screeches over Louis as he continues.

“-been discussing about me?”

“Every single one of your dirtiest secrets.” The older man winks. “Really, it’s a shame your name isn’t Victoria.” Louis’ mouth falls open as Harry fights back a loud hyena like chuckle. “Now, if you’ll excuse me, I think I’ll go and find my lovely wife. Have you seen her, Vicky?”

“She’s over by the cake with the rest of the wedding party. I needed a little break from all the wedding fuss.”

“It’ll be different when it’s your own wedding I’m sure.”

“I’m not really the big wedding type, you know that, Al.”

Alex winks at him before walking over to his wife, a hand placed gracefully across her back as he kisses her cheek in greeting.

“Should I legally change my name to Victoria?”

His usually chipper sassy tone has returned and Harry is baffled at how his emotions can switch at the snap of his fingers. It wasn’t twenty minutes ago when he was all quiet and zombie-like.

Baby blue irises blink back at him, waiting for another sassy comeback in return but instead get a sincere request.

“Want to take a walk?”

“Great way of evading my question, Styles. Sure, I’d love to take a, weirdly-suspicious-seeing-as-we’re-in-the-middle-of-your-sister’s-rehearsal-dinner walk with you.”

[Jessie Ware - Say You Love Me ](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DAMM8JVbr8g)

They start walking down to a quiet little pond behind the restaurant. It used to be the town's secret make out spot back in the day. People seemed to love the idea of sitting on and old bench in the far corner of a remote garden behind a restaurant.

Louis and Harry never fully understood its appeal. It just an empty pond after all, there’s nothing remotely romantic here. It kind of smells like old food too so the question remains even stronger.

They stand in silence for a while as Harry throws little pebbles into the water. He glances back at Louis as his crystal eyes seem to be lost up within the stars.

Louis’s gaze drops back down to earth, his mind settling at the sight of Harry’s lips quirked up at him.

“Can I ask you a question?”

“Always.”

“Why’d you go along with it?”

“Go along with what?”

“The date thing.”

Harry tosses a rock into the pond, “Because it’s you.” The water ripples as he reaches down for another.

“Why?”

“Why what?”

“Why’d you go along with it because it’s me?”

Harry turns away from the water as the last pebble bounces down the pond and steps closer towards Louis, his voice as soft as a marshmallow. “What are you really asking me here, Lou?”

“Just how far you’d actually go.”

“For what?”

“Me.”

Harry inches closer, reducing the space between them to mere inches, running a finger along Louis’ temple as the corner of his lip rises in the slightest smile under the moonlight.

Louis’ hands become foreign to him. He doesn’t know what they’re supposed to do anymore. Just hang there by her side motionless? That can’t be right. 

“You jump I jump, right?”

Oh and the never ending nights watching Titanic at the drive-in theater. Eating their teeth rotten with candy and booing Rose every time she let go of Jack. “There was enough space for the both of you!” “’I’ll never let go’ my ass, Rose. Hypocrite.” They’d yell from their car as they threw popcorn at the screen.

Titanic wouldn’t have been their first choice in movies, not even their tenth really, but the drive-in was always nice and quiet. No one they knew would be caught dead there, so it was kind of comfy.

“That’s not really an answer.”

“What do you want me to say?”

“I don’t know.”

“I think you do.”

“Maybe I do,”

 _Maybe._ Maybe Harry’s getting tired of the endless string of _maybe_ ’s. Maybe this time around he needs a little more than a _maybe_. Maybe he should push harder for a different answer than _maybe_. _Maybe_.

Louis looks down as he shuffles his feet against the grass.

Maybe _maybe_ is the only answer he can will himself to give.

“But?”

He looks back up and there it is again. That I’ll-wait-forever-if-I-have-to look embedded by eyes as green and breathtaking as ever. And so he shakes of a layer of coward-ness off.

“I don’t want to mess up, H.”

“I don’t think you will.”

“I don’t _want_ to.”

“Then don’t.”

“Harry-”

“Listen to me.” He cups his face, slightly squishing his cheeks. “You will not self-sabotage this, whatever it may be, by making up stupid scenarios in your pretty little head, alright?” He pulls Louis by the hand back to the restaurant.

It’s right there at his fingertips, he can almost taste it. No more maybes. No more buts. He’ll wait as long as it takes but he’s sure as hell not going to let ridiculous obstacles crash into his way.

“It’s not self-sabotage,” Louis lets himself get dragged along the path back up to the restaurant. “It’s self-awareness. I know myself and I don’t want this to be like the others.” Harry almost laughs at that.

 _Cute_ , he thinks as he smiles back at Louis.

“I’m not like others, darling.”

“I know. But, I’m still me.”

“Yes, you are.” Harry stops in front of the large glass door, a hand to Louis’ cheek, the other still gripping his hand tightly, Louis returning the grip. “We’re human, we’re going to make mistakes and that’s fine.”

 _Let me in_ his mind pleads _._

“We’ll fall and we’ll get back up,”

_Don’t make me knock forever. Open the door._

“Granted we might have a bruise or too, but that’s why we have each other.”

_I’m not going to hurt you. Just- Trust me._

“Now, stop thinking about every little thing that could possibly go wrong and let’s go get this mind-numbing rehearsal dinner over with, please.”

He pushes the door open and walks back inside, Louis trailing close behind.

 _That’s why we have each other_ Louis reminds himself, suppressing a smile _.  
_


	4. Chapter IV:   When it’s all said and done I don’t need confirmation from your lips:

Harry, Lottie and Louis ride together, wildly shocking really, and meet up with Ashley and Dean in front of the church. They all stand around complementing each other on how well they’ve cleaned up, (Harry might’ roll his eyes every time Dean opens his mouth but no one needs to know that), Louis and Harry practically joined at the hip as they stand together, their respective dates in front of them. Lottie jumped out of the car the moment they parked to go find Liam and Zayn, seeing as staying here would be less fun than a trip to the dentist.

“Perfect day for a wedding, huh.”

It is, but really? _That’s all you can come up with, Dean? You’re a surgeon for Pete’s sake. I thought you were supposed to be smart._ Harry bites his tongue back as they exchange meaningless small talk.

“Yeah. The weather’s great today.” Louis nods, tilting his head back to look at the clear blue sky, his eyes, Harry notices, almost the same color, only his is ever more gorgeous.

“I love the suit, Louis.”

“Thank you. Thank you.”

Louis squints slightly at Ashley as the sun radiates above them. Attentive as always, Harry hands him his sun glances. Louis smiles a thank you at him and puts them on.

“I’m a groomsman so I’m mandated by law to wear whatever the bride and groom want me to. I could’ve just as well ended up in a banana costume.”

Louis and Chris knew each other long before he and Gemma ever started dating, having attended the same two-week summer camp, also known as the longest two weeks of Louis’ life up till then as he and Harry had never been apart for so long. Louis was actually the one to introduce them at a buddy’s concert a few years later when he came back for his mother’s birthday (of course he came back for birthdays. He’s not a monster). It seems only fit that he’d be a groomsman at this wedding.

“It looks splendid on you.”

Harry looks down at his shoes fighting back a fond smile as his nose scrunches.

“They have good taste. Which reminds me,” He turns towards Harry who’s eyes shine deeply into his. “I have to go check on Chris.” Louis’ chest rises and falls with ease in sync with Harry’s breathing. “To, you know, make sure he won’t run off or something.”

 _He’s not the one with a track record of running from things, Darling._ Harry thinks as Louis laughs at his own remark and turns to leave.

The wedding is an absolute delight. Elegant, classy, clean and very, very white. Harry might’ve even considered wearing his sunglasses to the actual ceremony but seeing as they were in Louis’ possession he decided to forego the idea.

Louis stands behind Chris at the altar, the quaint church packed tight, the rest of the family in the front row with Ashley and Dean way in the back. Harry and Louis exchange quick goofy glances throughout most of the ceremony only stopping when Alex gave them a slightly cold stare. Okay, it wasn’t slightly cold, it was basically act whatever of Frozen when Elsa builds the ice castle cold.

All in all, a very traditional cliché wedding. Oh and how cliché it was. Weeping, corny, vows exchanged promising to make each other breakfast in bed every morning, which they don’t keep in the future just fyi, doves released as the couple kissed, the big family picture outside of the church. Really any and all wedding clichés you can think of.

But hey, it’s Gemma and Chris’ wedding, if it makes them happy then bring on the clichés! Or, at least that’s what Louis and Harry kept repeating to themselves as they exchanged slightly judgmental glances, both trying their hardest not to roll their eyes at the couple.

It _was_ lovely, thought. The weather was perfect, as aforementioned, and the doves _did_ fly at the right moment, so no real complaints.

Now at the reception, Louis decided that it was really important for him to go to the toilet, so he walked his date to the table, like the gentleman he is, and ran off down the hallway. After checking his hair for a solid two minutes he finally walks out of the toilet and bumps into Dean, a hand ruffling his hair as e almost crashes into him.

“I’m really sorry, Tomlinson, but I have to go.”

“What?”

“One of my patients- well he’s getting worse,” He curses under his breath as he checks his pager. “I’ve got to go home.”

“That’s okay. I understand.”

“I’m really sorry to just leave you here alone.”

“Don’t be silly.”

“Yeah.” He laughs as he puts on his coat. “You have Harry.”

“What?”

“Harry. You and him- You’d never be alone.”

“We’re not-”

“No need to explain, really. I don’t know what it is, but it’s something. And I’m sure you’re not as oblivious as you seem to be.” Louis opens his mouth to counter argue Dean’s inference. “It’s been great getting to hang out with you again, Louis, really. Thank you for everything.” 

Louis nods once before Dean turns on his heels and runs towards the exit. _It’s something._

A gold and blue flower arrangement stands tall in the center of the table, leaving a shadow on one of the chairs as Harry and Ashley are apparently still not back from the bar and the rest of the gang is somewhere on the dancefloor, Louis sits by himself. Alone, as the music swirls in his head, his brain paying little to no attention to the actual lyrics or rhythm of the song.

“This was a great plan, Louis. Really, your _finest_ hour.” He mumbles under his breath as he plays with a loose strand of thread from his suit.

“Where’d Dean go?”

Ashley’s chipper tone hits him like a splash of cold water to the face. Champagne in hand she sits back down at the table across from him. Harry hands Louis a glass of… something, which he never asked him for in the first place but it’s alcohol either way so he’ll take it, and sits down next to his date, leaving an empty seat between him and Louis.

“Emergency at the hospital.” He says as he takes a sip.

“That’s too bad, I liked him, he was fun…”

“Yeah. Dean’s a _hoot_.” Meet Harry, the king of subtle-sarcasm.

Louis looks at Harry blankly, disapproving his childish remarks. He sips his own drink avoiding Louis’ look, instead, eyes focused on his newly married sister moving as graceful as a feather across the dance floor.

“You should see him after a few drinks” Harry mumbles into his glass after a weird slightly uncomfortable silence falls on the table.

 _After a few drinks Dean thinks he owns the world and everyone in it._ Maybe he should slow down on the alcohol? He wouldn’t want to say this out loud “accidentally”.

“Ashley,” She turns towards Harry, setting her glass down. “Would you like to dance?”

“I’d love to.”

He takes her hand and rises to his feet. 

Louis’ eyes glide across the dance floor following them. Lights shimmer off of champagne glasses as the song swells into a slower beat, slow enough to slow dance to. Louis drums his fingers on the table, unable to hide the small scowl forming on his lips.

Chris sits neck to him nursing his drink, shirt sleeves rolled up to where his elbows meet the table, Louis notices, eyes still glued to the dance floor.

“What are you doing here?” Chris smiles into his glass. “This is your wedding. Go. Dance. Enjoy.”

He runs a hand though his hair waiting a beat before leaning into Louis, a hand on the back of his chair the other wrapped around a sweaty glass of scotch resting on the table. “Tommo… Can I ask you a question?”

“This is your wedding. You can do whatever you want.” 

He nods as Louis takes a sip of his own drink.

“What are you scared of?”

“What?” He glances at him from the corner of his eye.

“You heard me.”

“I’m not scared.” Ashley twirls away from Harry on the dance floor, then back towards him lifting her heel into the air as their bodies collide. Louis breathes out a light laugh as he crosses his arms in front of his chest, noticing the close proximity the pair on the dance floor are sharing. “I have no idea what you’re talking about.”

Chris’s glance switches from Louis to Harry and back again, the tip of his tongue on the roof of his mouth as he clicks.

“Mate, I’ve seen it on your eyes.”

Louis’ eyes stay glued to the steps on the dance floor, he catches a glance of Harry in between other dancers, his eyes sparkling, his body moving perfectly to the music. Louis gives no indication of wanting to answer Chris any time in the near future.

So, Chris hangs back for a bit waiting for an answer. He gets none, as expected, just charged silence.

“Alright, just tell me one thing,” Louis licks his bottom lip. “Are you scared that he won’t wait for you,” The music fades away, the noise of random chatter drumming in his ears as he slowly turns his attention towards the groom, who by the way should really be out on the dancefloor entertaining his guests and not here asking him questions he doesn’t have the answers to. Well, or at least that’s what he’s telling himself these days. “Or that he will?”

The room fills with applause as the band introduces a new song, a faster beat this time, certainly not meant to be slow danced to, as Louis stares blankly at him.

“Chris- There’s nothing to be scared of.” The lights become brighter, changing from their previous dark blue to a warm yellow, almost orange. The entire atmosphere of the dance floor changes as more bodies fill the dancefloor.

Chris sighs heavily setting his drink down with a light thud. He runs a hand through his hair again, a curl falling on his forehead.

“Are you seriously telling me that you’re willing to lose him because you’re scared?”

“What?” Either Louis goes dizzy for a bit or the earth does. “Chris- he isn’t mine. I can’t ‘lose’ him.” His fingers up in air quotes as his mind returns to its previous less fuzzy state. 

“You sure about that?” Which part? He isn’t sure about anything anymore. What’s his name again? William? Oh right, Louis.

Louis’ eyes move to Harry’s lips, smiling in a laugh, dimple popping. “I-” Eyes fluttering to Harry’s hand now resting on Ashley’s waist, fingers gently pressing into the small of her back, Louis reminds himself to breathe. Ashley rises on her tiptoes planting a kiss on Harry ’s cheek. “I-” Words? Any words other than ‘I’ would be perfect tight now. Literally any other word in the English language.

“Louis-”

“Don’t.”

 _He’s not mine._ He’s been reminding himself of that for years. The remark hangs heavier every time he thinks it.

“I-”

_I have no right to… to…_

“Just drop it.” His eyes go cloudy as he leaves his seat. “Please.”

Chris nods quietly as he walks out, leaving the groom alone to his thoughts. Which go along the lines of “What the hell did I just do?”

~

“You’re a great dancer.”

The music beats against the floor, glasses clicking, lights changing colors as the songs shift in the night.

“You’re not so bad yourself.”

Harry smiles kindly, his mind not entirely on the dance floor. Still he tries to focus on the girl in front of him. His date. His mind is certainly not across the room at the table where a lonely Louis might be nursing his drink alone. No. Nope. Not at all.

One step forward, one step back. Repeat. _He doesn’t have anyone to dance with._ A little to the right, one step forward. _Should I ask him to dance or is that rude to my date?_ One step back, turn back to the main spot. _A date I didn’t even want, but still._ One step forward, one step back. _This is so stupid. I shouldn’t be here with anyone_. A hand on her waist as the other reaches out. _This is so stupid_. Ashley twirls out of his arms, laughing bright eyed.

Safer. _He said it was safer_. Ashley’s hair wraps around her neck as she swirls back into him, this time hitting his chest. _I don’t want safer. I want-_ Harry grips the small of her back, moving to the music. One step forward, one step back. _Not yet._

Ashley flicks a strand of hair off of her face attracting Harry ’s attention. His mind clearly wandering.

“He was staring.”

“What?”

“Louis. He hasn’t stopped staring at you all night. I’m surprised you haven’t noticed.”

Harry’s nose scrunches at the thought, his back towards the table where Louis is deep in conversation with Chris.

“You know… He’s very handsome.” Harry hides a smile looking down at his feet. He realizes he’s being doing it a lot more lately. “He seems really warm and friendly. From what you’ve told me he’s wicked smart… He’s got the most incredible eyes I’ve ever seen; the blue seems to change tones from time to time.”

“Sometimes,” He cuts in. “In the summer, when the sun hits them just right, they sparkle in this turquoise almost green tone.” Ashley smiles kindly as he gets lost in thought. His mouth moving faster than his brain, not seeming to ever want to stop talking about this. “When he gets really upset with me,” That’s been happening a lot more these days too. “I swear they turn into this murky rainy London morning grey, and even though I know he’s furious with me, I can’t help but imagine…” He looks down at his shoes again, a little longer this time, his brain catching up with his mouth as he shakes away the thought. “Never mind.”

“So?”

“So, what?”

“So, why am I here?”

Harry’s eyes go wide and he stops swaying.

“Um…”

“I’m not mad or anything. I was just… curious?”

“He’s just… He…” _I have lost all vocabulary. Brain has turned to Jell-O. Oh, how am I ever going to teach a class again?_

“He…?” She rolls out the word leaning a bit into him, her hands still wrapped around his neck, his resting on her hips.

“I shouldn’t have brought you into this, I’m sorry. He wanted-” Harry looks away from the dance floor. “I’m really sorry.”

“There’s no need to be sorry.” A genuine smile forms on her lips as she shakes her head.

“I’m sorry, it’s just… It’s complicated?” He presents it as a question, mostly to himself, as she shakes her head again.

“Can I just say one thing before I walk away?”

“What do-”

“Don’t be an idiot.”

Harry’s eyebrows shoot up. “Excuse me?”

“Don’t. be. An idiot. I can see it in the way he looks at you.”

“See what?”

Ashley’s arm drops from his neck as she sighs and kisses him on the cheek.

“See what?” He repeats.

She presses her lips together tapping his shoulder once before walking off of the dance floor.

“Boys,” She shakes her head. “So cute yet so dumb.”

~

[Seafret - Atlantis](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gVAy3IZiL0s)  
  
“There you are; I’ve been looking everywhere for you.”

Harry catches Louis in the distance, one leg over, laid out against the grass.

“Here I am.”

“Why are you laying down on the cold, hard, possibly wet grass?”

“I’m looking at the stars.”

Harry lays down next to him, their elbows rubbing, the noise from the party settling behind them.

“Why are you out here? Party’s inside.”

“Like I said, I was looking for you.”

“Why?”

“Now I need a reason to want to be with you?”

“No... It’s just that you looked so,” He raises his eyebrows searching for the right words. “ _Cozy_. In there, dancing.”

“You were watching?” Harry smiles inward as Ashley’s words turn in his head.

“No.” He breathes out, almost as a whisper escaping an exhausted body.

Harry arches his neck down. “Aren’t you going to ruin your suit?”

“Don’t care.”

Harry studies his face. A calm expression staring up at the night sky. A simple calm expression to the normal eye sure. But, Harry’s? Harry’s eyes are special, years of experience backing them.

He sees the void of emotion. He sees the lack of spark.

“Alright, what’s wrong?” 

“Nothing.” Louis feels the heat of Harry’s body against his. The damp air settling in his lungs. “It’s stupid.”

“Either it’s nothing or it’s stupid. Either way, spill.”

“It’s just that-” _I can’t believe I’m actually going to say this._ “I’m alone at a wedding.”

Harry blinks up as the words settle on his brain. “What?”

“I was supposed to come with Philip and then with Dean but here I am, alone and pathetic, at a wedding.”

“You’re moping about Philip?”

Louis nibbles on the inside of his lip as he shrugs. “I miss him.”

“Excuse me?” _Where is Louis? Who’s this Louis lookalike? What the hell is happening?_

“I don’t know, Harry. It wasn’t all bad. It’s not my fault my brain sometimes decides to pick old good feelings instead of the bad recent feelings, okay? I’m allowed to miss him every once in a while.”

“Bullshit.” He rises to his feet in a flash. “You think I can’t tell when you’re lying?”

“Why would I-”

Harry palms his face, laughing into the night. “I have no fucking idea!” He throws his hands in exasperation as he stares down at Louis.

“I miss him, okay?”

“Fine. I’ll play along then. Don’t miss him.” Louis’ eyes turn cloudy right on cue. “Stop missing him. He doesn’t deserve you.”

“Oh,” He’s on his feet before he can finish the question. “And you do?”

Harry’s eyes flicker over the storm in Louis’. “What? I- This- This isn’t about me. You-”

“No, it’s not. But you’re making it about you.”

“What!? How- Louis, are you listening to yourself?”

“Are _you_!?”

Something’s wrong, something Harry can’t see. “What’s this really about?” He takes a step forward, eyes focused and thoughts sorted.

“You, apparently.”

“No, it isn’t! Why-” Harry’s eyes furrow together. “Why are you trying to pick a fight?”

“I’m not trying to-” Louis’ hand shoots into his pocket as something starts vibrating violently. He pulls out his pager, flipping it over a few times until the display side is up.

“Louis?”

He swears under her breath as he pulls out his phone. “I have to go.”

“Go? Go where?”

“Hospital.”

“Seriously?”

“One of my patients needs me. I have to go.”

“I thought you said you weren’t on call?”

“I’m not, but she just landed. It’s an emergency.”

“Landed?”

“Yeah. She’s one of my patients from New York.” Louis messes with the phone for a beat longer finally looking up when he feels Harry’s grasp on his shoulder. “H, I have to go.”

“I know.”

“She’s my patient. She needs me.”

“I know…”

“But?”

“But, there’s still something you aren’t telling me.”

“I have a patient, Harry. This isn’t about you.”

“Stop trying to pick a fight!” Harry calls out, running after Louis as he walks back into the party without so much as a glance back towards him.

~

Lisa’s smile drops as Louis reaches their table. His eyes dark and distracted.

“I have to go.” He goes around the table kissing everyone goodbye. Silent glances fly around as Harry stands behind him.

“ _What’s_ happening?”

“A patient from back home just landed, she needs me.” He fumbles around with the phone again, eyes flying across the screen as a variation of colors flash across his face.

“This _is_ home.” Lottie’s eyes go wide as Harry corrects him, his voice flat. “Isn’t it?” Is he pushing? He’s pushing

“Harry-” Stern and annoyed, Louis glares at him as everyone else stares at each other looking as confused as raccoons washing cotton candy.

In their entire lives, Louis and Harry have had maybe 5 or 6 mayor fights and that’s not including the last one, the one that blew them apart, because no one except Harry and Louis really knows what happened that night. It’s a mystery to the entire family how they went from not being able to be apart for a few days to not speaking for _years_.

Harry’s eyes focus on nothing but Louis’, the tension never wavering as Gemma swirls her finger, calling for their attention and bringing along everyone else’s.

“ _What’s_ going on?” She emphasizes the ‘what’ drawing out the word.

Harry folds his arms and stands back. “He’s trying to pick a fight with me.”

“No, I’m not.” Louis throws a smile in along with the lie.

Gemma’s arm hung on her husband’s shoulder, she gives Louis a worried look. “Why are you trying to pick a fight with him?” Her voice as sweet as ever.

“I’m not picking a fight with him.” The lie itching in his throat Louis rolls his eyes.

“Yes you are. And for absolutely no reason.”

Louis scoffs as his eyes flutter towards the dance floor involuntarily. The table stiffens as Harry ’s eyebrows furrow at the scoff, confusion and, truthfully, slight annoyance settling in his stomach. Chris’ eyes move to where Louis is looking, his own words haunting him.

“I don’t know if I’ll be back in time for when you leave,” He reaches down towards Niall and Lisa, ignoring Harry’s puzzled look burning in the back of his neck, giving them each a tight hug.

“That’s alright, Louis.” Lisa looks over his shoulder and raises an eyebrow at Harry who’s darkened look deepens as Louis steps back away from the hug. “You go on and save lives. That’s your thing.” 

“Louis, if this is about what I said earlier-” Louis’ nose twitches at the sound of his voice. He shakes his head slightly as Chris understands and drops it immediately, but it’s too late. Everyone else turns in his direction. Deer in headlights.

Harry takes a step closer to the table, his voice curious and almost frantic. “What’d you say earlier, Chris?”

Gemma sets her champagne down on the table. “Sweetheart?”

“Nothing. It was nothing.” He smiles sheepishly.

“Chris.” Harry insists.

Louis turns from Chris to Harry in one swift motion, voice calm and innocent. “He didn’t say anything.” Harry ’s expression doesn’t change. Every question mark edged into his face. “Stop looking at me like that.”

He takes a step towards Louis, his voice low, thoughts still wavering on insane. “Like what?”

“I’m not doing this again.” He turns back to the table. “I have to go and my Uber’s outside so, night everyone-”

“You called a car?” He interrupts, his voice settles behind Louis’ as he goes on giving Harry no attention.

“Love you all,” Louis continues casually as everyone’s eyes switch to whoever is talking.

“I could’ve driven you.”

“For those of you drinking, drink lots of fluids,”

“Lou,”

“And take some painkillers before going to bed.”

“Stop acting like a child and talk to me.”

“Congrats again…” He smiles at the table before walking around Harry and leaving the room.

“Chris, honestly what on Earth did you say to him?” Zayn questions as Gemma sits on Chris’ lap, wrapping an arm around him, her dress making the move a bit difficult.

“Nothing. Harry, I-”

Harry sits in what used to be Louis seat, his tie slightly undone.

“Told you I wasn’t going to like this.” Lottie rubs her forehead slightly.

Niall gives Harry a look that settles wrong in his stomach. “What are you doing?”

He looks around the table, all eyes on him. “What?”

“You’re not going after him?” Lisa’s worried look seeps into her voice like honey in tea. “You always go after him.”

“Maybe I’m tired of running after him- is this yours?” Harry downs the last of Chris’ drink before he can even answer. Silent worry drowns the table as Harry looks down at his hands and then towards the door leading into the reception corridor. “For fuck’s sake.” He swears as he runs out the door.

[Seafret - Oceans](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aqsL0QQaSP4)

Louis reaches the front garden as Harry jogs up in front of him, cheeks pink.

“Can you stop walking away from me for _once_ in our lives?”

Louis runs. That’s his thing. Sprints towards an escape. And if there’s nowhere to run, he tiptoes around the subject, always carefully stepping over it, never facing it, never facing _Harry_ head on. Harry always found- _finds_ himself, apparently, chasing after Louis. Time after time he’s gone after him, always running alongside him making sure he’d never run too far out of reach.

Except for the last time Louis ran. Harry couldn’t really chase him across the country and it’s not like he was all that motivated to do so at first. But that’s all behind them now. No need to worry about that anymore. Right?

When they were kids he could never find it in himself to completely drop it though. No, but God did he try. He watched Louis walk away from him so many times he wished, he begged, himself to just stop caring. To let Louis, walk away. And he did once. But never again.

_If only you’d let me- If only you’d let yourself crash and let the pieces fall._

_Just this once, look me in the eyes._

_Just this once, stay._

“H-”

“No. Now it’s my turn to talk and yours to listen.” Louis’ eyes turn opaque and evasive as he takes a deep breath settling his thoughts. “I don’t know what Chris said or didn’t say,”

Louis looks past him towards the car waiting for him. He doesn’t really know what caused the outburst. No. He- He does. But he can’t. He can’t let himself. He can’t let himself want. He can’t let herself need.

“Harry, I have to go.”

There’s a glimmer of something behind Louis’ eyes. The previous storm calms into a tranquil deep sea as his eyes lock onto Harry’s.

“Not like this.”

The gold speaks call to Louis like a lighthouse calling ships home. And he wants to- God does he want to dive into him. Dive in and never come out, never ask for another pair of arms, never ask for another laugh, never ask for sunlight, never ask for a breath of fresh air, never ask for anything else because he’d have everything he’s ever needed. Harry.

“I’m not letting you go like this.” 

Louis lets out a deep sigh, his shoulders dropping as he feels the weight of Harry’s words pooling in the back of his eyes. “You’re not _letting_ me go, Harry. There’s nothing here for you to let go of,” His stomach clenches as the night’s breeze blows the words into existence. “Because I’m not yours.”

“Lou,”

“I’m not yours and you’re not mine.” He hangs his head low, fighting back the promise of tears welling within him. “I’m not trying to pick a fight,” He blinks a few times fighting back against his own body. “Or- or maybe I was… at some point. Regardless, that’s-” He breathes in sharply, holding the air in his lungs for a beat before exhaling with a laugh. Harry recognizes the laugh, dry and pained, the same one he used many, many nights ago. The same laugh that let Harry let Louis go for good. “It’s the truth.”

Years of pent up frustration and longing seeps out of his pores as he fights the urge to scream, to yell, to blow out everything into the air between them. There’s got to be a way to get him to see. Get him to hear him. Get him to stop running _._

_If you fall, I’ll catch you, goddammit. Can’t you see?_

Harry grabs a hold of his shoulders. “You have no idea what you’re talking about.” Louis’ eyes linger on the ground, his mind fighting the urge to look up. “Absolutely no idea.”

After a bit, Louis glances up, his need overpowering his thoughts, something dark lingering behind his eyes. Like an ancient secret waiting to walk out of the dark and claim its first victim.

Louis puts a hand to his chest, his warmth seeping through the cold cotton into Harry’s skin. “I have to go.” He whispers, almost as a plea to himself to let go as something inside him begs him to do otherwise.

 _Tell me to stay. Just tell me to stay and-_

Even if Harry did, he can’t. He _has_ to go. He has a patient. A patient whom he cares for deeply and wants to help. 

“Hey,” Harry holds his chin up as crystal eyes on the brink of shattering stare back at him. Louis’ shoulders give out as Harry hugs him to his chest. “It’s alright.” Louis hugs him back tighter, if that’s even possible, feeling his heart beat against his own.

Here he’s safe. Here he can breathe. Here he can- No. He can’t.

“This is absolutely ridiculous and pathetic of me.”

_I have a patient; I need to go. I need to let him go and walk to that car and- and do my job. I have to let go._

“I’m sorry,” Harry pulls back slightly so that he’s able to see Louis’ face, sincere apologetic eyes gazing up at him. “I really do have to go.”

“I know you do.”

“I’m sorry.”

“For?”

Still in his arms he ponders at the thought. “Everything?”

“Ah.”

“I-” Louis breaths him in managing to find the right words. “You were right…”

“You don’t have to-”

“Yes, I do.” His chest urging for Harry’s warmth as soon as Louis backs away from his embrace. “I was trying to pick a fight.” He shakes his head as he remembers the ridiculousness of it all. “It was stupid. _I_ was stupid.” He palms his face as he runs the night over and over again in her head. “God.”

He parts his fingers in front of his face as he looks for Harry’s eyes. He finds them right where they’ve always been, as big and exquisite as ever, looking right at Louis. “Do you hate me?” He says, mouth squished against his palms muffling the words.

“No.” Harry says through an amused smile _._ “I could never hate you.”

“I’m sorry.”

“Stop apologizing.”

_Why is everything so utterly fucked up? Why do I always fuck everything up? Why can’t I-_

Louis forces himself to look away from the emerald prison keeping him captive only to find himself looking down at Harry’s lips. The possibilities ache in the back of his throat. _No_. He dares a gaze into his eyes again only this time grey specks cloud his own. No. He pushes the thought back with everything he has.

“Why are you giving me those eyes?” Harry’s fingers itch at the thought of caressing his cheek, so soft and gentle. Red, as the air turns more violent as it does this time in November. Louis’ eyes keep flowing into different zones. For a split second he seems okay but then it’s like something catches up with him and then they turn lost, isolated, like they’re on the verge of crumbling.

“Because I have to go.”

_Because I can’t stay._

_Because it seems like I want to leave._

“That’s alright. Your patient needs you.” Louis gives him a weak smile as he reaches down to his wrists, gently pressing his thumbs into them. “Call me when you’re done and I’ll pick you up.”

“I really am sorry about everything.” Harry shakes his head.

_You shouldn’t be sorry. You should never be sorry. I’m the one who messed up. I’m the one who let you talk me into bringing someone else. I’m the one who let you think that there was even the tiniest possibility that I’d ever- That there could ever be anyone else._

“Don’t-” He presses his lips to Louis temple. “Go. Save a life.” Louis smiles against the feeling of Harry’s lips on his skin.

He watches Louis get into the car and drive off into the night.

_One of these days I’ll watch you stay. One of these days I won’t have to see you walk out of reach. One of these days…_

~

“What did you say? Why did you say it? In what point in life did you decide to make such a comment?”

Question after question shoots at him as Chris hides behind a new glass of scotch, one without Harry ’s DNA in it. Everyone else around the table sits back to avoid any misguided shots as Lisa doesn’t seem willing to let this one go.

“Chris, seriously what was it?”

Shot after shot fired at him and there’s no sign that she’ll run out of ammunition any time soon.

“Nothing. It was nothing.”

Louis clearly doesn’t want anyone to know, so he’ll just have to deny, deny, deny. Lisa glares at him from the other end of the table.

“Honestly woman, is this how you plan to question your kid when he does something wrong? Would you like to water board me next?”

“So you _did_ do something wrong!” She leans over the table dramatically.

“I did nothing wrong!”

“Then what _did_ you do!?”

He takes a sip of Gemma’s champagne. “Nothing.”

No one is buying the story. They all know Louis. He’d never go off like that for no reason at all.

Her strawberry bun makes her look more serious, more stern. “Did you ask him about Philip?”

“What? No! No, I-” His eyes catch Harry walking back in, looking better than when he sprinted out. His eyes bright again. “Look, Harry ’s back! Let’s all put our attention on him now.” Lisa eyes Chris out of the corner of her eye. “Harry, hello. Welcome back to the inquisition! Where you are guilty until proven otherwise.” He cocks his head towards Lisa. “Apparently.”

“Chris, just tell me what you said and then I’ll consider not kicking your ass every way to Thursday.”

“I didn’t say anything. And even if I did, I wouldn’t tell you.”

“You-”

“Chris,” Gemma interrupts seeing as Lisa might actually loose it. “I love you to death, I literally said ‘till death do us part’ a few hours ago, but if you keep this up, that part of our vows will become a lot truer a lot faster than I’d like it to.” She lowers her head in a whisper “I’m pretty sure she’s capable of jumping over the table and ending you right here right now.”

“I’d do it in a heartbeat." Lisa smiles widely.

“Sorry, darling.” Chris kisses Gemma as she takes the champagne float back from him.

Lisa motions for Harry to sit next to her. “Is he okay? Are you okay? What happened?”

“He’s fine.” He smiles down at his hands, playing with his fingers, the last thing they touched was Louis. Louis, Louis, Louis.

When he looks up, after what could’ve been a week for all he knew, every eye at the table is on him. Clearly waiting for more, they raise their eyebrows eyeing him as he looks around.

“And…?” Zayn draws out.

“And what?”

“He’s fine _and_ … There has to be something else. He was clearly not fine. What the hell happened out there?”

“Nothing much.” Harry folds his arms across his chest and reclines back against the chair. “He apologized…” He glances at Chris who in turn hides behind Gemma avoiding Harry’s look.

“He asked me to extend his apologies to all of you.”

“Chris said something stupid. He’s the one who should be apologizing.” A surprised sound comes out of Chris, kind of like what Harry imagines a penguin squawk sounds like.

“This coming from the woman who just called me, her husband, stupid?”

“I didn’t call you stupid, my love.” She pecks his lips. “I called what you said stupid. Completely different.” She smiles down at him as the sound escapes him again.

The staff starts cleaning up as the party winds down. The lights dimming slowly and the music fading away. Harry stands by the bar, a water bottle in hand, as he waits for Lottie to say her goodbyes. In the distance he sees a pearly white dress flowing from table to table, Gemma thanking all of the guests for coming and wishing them a safe trip.

“Harry,” Chris comes up behind the bar, suit slightly undone, a sign the party is truly over and everyone will be going home soon enough.

Harry turns in his direction. “Great party.” Tilting the bottle in Chris’ direction.

“I’m really sorry I upset him, mate.”

“Oh.” Harry laughs as he notices the uncomfortable look settling on Chris’ face. “No, it’s fine. He’s okay. You did nothing wrong.”

“It’s my fault he went off on you. I’m sorry.” The music settles behind Harry ’s thoughts.

“It’s alright, Chris. Really.”

Chris gives him a slight nod looking down at his drink. “He’s scared, you know.”

_You don’t know the half of it._

“Yeah...” Harry rests his elbows on the bar as he leans towards Chris. “I know…”

“But you know how he feels.”

“I do.”

“And that’s enough for you?”

“For now,” Harry smiles into his drink. “I’m fine with whatever he’s willing to give me.”


	5. Chapter V:  And if the stars were the freckles on your skin, I’d envy the moon for always having them so close:

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know i've taken forever to update, my deepest sincerest apologies, School's whooping my ass right now... N E WAY, i broke this chapter into two parts for your own sanity becuase it was... a lot 
> 
> as always, i hope you like it!

Louis’ heart swells as he walks through the door to the sight of Harry sprawled out on the couch hugging a pillow to his chest. His chest rising and falling effortlessly in sleep as rays of sunlight dance on his skin. Louis sets his bag down by the door, Harry stirring as the metal of his keys hits the infamous ceramic turquoise bowl Louis made in art class when he was four. He was going to throw it away, said it was an ugly color and shape but Harry begged him to keep it. Said that it deserved a second chance. That it was beautiful in its own way, and he was right. Louis began to treasure the art project, the memory of Harry it produced played a great factor in his decision making.

“Hey,” Louis says in a whisper walking closer to the couch. “Sorry, I didn’t mean to wake you.”

“Hi.” Harry’s voice deeper than its normal husk, drowsy and half asleep, rises from the depths of the living room.

“What’re you doing here?”

Harry sits up and yawns quietly. “I must’ve fallen asleep.” He reaches under a few pillows feeling around for his phone. “I was waiting for you to call- Wait. Did I miss your call? Lou, I’m-”

“No. No, I- I didn’t call.”

“What- why?”

“I was too tired,” He plops down on the couch next to Harry. “I was in surgery till really late so I just crashed in the on call room and- and I didn’t want to bother you.”

“It’s no bother.”

He didn’t want to want to call him. He thought about it for a while. Staring at the ceiling, his body motionless in thought, he ran the thought through his brain over and over again. _Call him. Don’t call him. Text him. Don’t text him. Sleep. Call him._ A loop on endless replay until he somewhat drifted off to sleep.

Harry spent half of the night fighting sleep in wait of the call. _He could call at any minute. He could need me at any minute. I can’t fall asleep. I have to be there when he needs me. I have to-_ and he too fell asleep, mind running rampant, endless thoughts circulating.

[Son of Cloud - How to Love You Today](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XM1T4Lq4WVk)

Harry smiles as he lays his head on Louis’ lap, tired eyes taking in all of louis’ features before closing his eyes ever so slightly. _He must be used to this erratic sleep scheduled, he looks as perfect as always._

Louis runs a hand through his hair, thinking back to those endless nights so long ago. All of them in one house, enjoying their youth, countless memories etched in time.

As sleepovers became sort of a weekly thing, each of them were given a bed (or a surface made to be a bed), for themselves. Louis and Harry, however, never made it to their respective sleeping arrangements, instead, always found excuses to be in each other’s. Pillow’s too soft. Not enough leg room. To cold. To hot. Anything plausible enough for the other to buy in the morning.

“You look cute when you’re sleeping.” Louis whispers as he gets pulled deeper into the memory. All those mornings he’d woken to find Harry’s drooling face right in front of his. Harry making little noises in his sleep, his heart betting softly as Louis’ beat right out of his chest. Louis could swear he could see a glimpse of Harry’s dreams through his tired morning eyes as they crinkled open and pierced though his very core.

His mind wonders back to the late nights they spent up in the treehouse reading under flashlights. Not a sound in the universe, just the occasional page flip and sarcastic review of whatever was happening in their respective books.

As the group grew up, everyone’s interests shifted. Not Louis and Harry’s though. Not finding sleepovers as fun anymore and instead opting to stay out at a party or spend time at someone else’s house, Louis and Harry were left to do their own thing. Not that they minded though. They did always seem to drift more towards each other anyways.

Reading to each other under moonlight, driving around aimlessly and fighting over the music they should hear, eating junk food at all hours of the night, running around the beach in the dead of the night… Just them and the moon. Their own little world wrapped up and kept hidden away safely from the rest of existence. Memories and infectious smiles for their eyes only. That is, until Louis started dating. 

It seemed like a light switch to Harry. One day they were up in the tree house reading whatever novel Harry was into at the time and arguing about the best combination for their ice cream floats. Louis threw a pillow at his head at the suggestion of strawberry ice cream and pink Fanta. And then, just like that, their entire little world shifted.

“That is so uninspired! So bland! Strawberry and strawberry? Pink and pink? Are you serious?!” Harry throws the pillow right back, Louis catching it midair. He grins and laughs sweetly, holding onto the pillow as he draws out a dramatic “Bo-ring.”

“After all this time, you think I don’t know what exact buttons I need to push to make you do _that_.” Harry points towards Louis’ cheek. A dimple popping out as Louis’ grin widens, the light from the flashlight pushing Harry towards the edge, persuading him to plunge into the ocean in Louis’ eyes. Vast, deep and irresistible.

Harry’s lips burn against each other as he pushes a thought- many, many thoughts away. His mind can’t seem to focus, the clear blue calling him in, infecting his every thought, begging him to drown in it. Eyes locked from one end of the small room to the other, Louis’ laugh dies down as the intensity of the moment rings in his ears.

His heart beats incredibly slow yet dangerously fast against his chest as their eyes shout everything they themselves have never been able to. The room drowns in unsaid words. In longing, hoping and wanting. A wanting Louis has been suppressing for a long time. A longing he has pushed down into the depths of his mind. He’s kept it out of reach, only not really. It’s locked in a box, buried deep in his thoughts and yet at the same time it’s presence is undeniable as he feels it burn against his heart every minute of every day. And he can’t let it. Not anymore. He can’t do this. He won’t do this.

Louis throws the pillow back at Harry and continues reading his book. The entirety of the long, painful, crystal moment brushed off and forgotten in time. Harry’s eyes linger on Louis, his hand running up and down the edge of his book. Harry’s gaze, charged with every whispered scream in him, stay in place for a beat longer until Louis begrudgingly acknowledges it.

“What?”

“N-Nothing.” Harry stutters, turning his attention back to the novel in his hands.

The next day in the cafeteria, Louis sat four tables away with some of his other friends (if Harry can even call them that), which was completely out of character but no one else seemed to question it.

For a week he avoided Harry’s gaze in any and every way imaginable. He didn’t avoid him completely, he could never, but he made sure they were never alone together. Never letting the silence of the lingering words still frozen in time become present. 

For a week there were no car rides, no late nights up in the tree house, no sharing of intimate moments that know seem too fragile and delicate to even think about. No ice-cream floats, no Harry and Louis at the beach in the dead of night, alone with nothing but each other and the moon, no long eye opening moments as they gazed up at the stars, no whispering secrets back and forth, no secret touches burning the tips of their fingers at the first graze of skin.

In the blink of an eye, all those warm rotten-sweet moments turned into fragile memories that might break if you whispered their name too loud.

He remembers the exact moment it happened. The exact moment Louis felt too far out of reach. The moment the last window into their sacred little world shattered right in front of his eyes. Those crystal pieces finding their way into his heart, where they still lay untouched today.

It was a Saturday night, eight days after the tree house, an event forgotten almost as fast as it came. They were in line waiting to go into some random movie Liam really wanted to see, so of course they all went. 

Harry stood at the bathroom mirror, gathering up the nerve to ask Louis to talk after the movie, determined to clear the air. _Lou, I don’t like this space between us. Just- Talk to me. Really talk to me. Please?_ He fixes his hair as his mind replays the lines, his heart wanting to say something different, something more real. Something so real it might break him. _Come back to me, please?_ He can’t utter those words. Louis is far enough as it is. He needs to be let back in, not completely shut out. _Please_.

Harry sighs, giving himself one last encouraging smile in the mirror, his green eyes sparkling with anticipation. Once back out into the lobby, he gets a glimpse of Niall and Zayn a few steps ahead in line and then he notices Matthew.

Matthew Grace from first period. Matthew Grace walking up to Louis. Matthew Grace walking up to Louis and kissing him. Actually kissing him. Right on the lips.

Harry feels the weight of his entire body collapse into himself as his mind runs miles ahead of him, making every excuse it can think of, thinking up every scenario it can to explain what he’d just seen.

As he pulls away from the kiss, his tongue rolling on his bottom lips, Louis turns around frantically looking for Harry. This wasn’t the way he was supposed to find out. _Fuck. No. I’m sorry. No. Oh god._

Noting the expression on his face, Louis feels his body betray him as his lips pull into a frown. _I didn’t mean to- I’m sorry. I didn’t want to- I’m sorry._ Harry looks between him and Matthew, not knowing where else to look, completely aware of what’s happening.

Louis’ eyes plead out every apology they can muster, every plead for forgiveness, every cry for Harry to understand. Harry’s emerald eyes turn cloudy as Louis looks deep into them, searching for something, searching for anything in return, but there’s nothing. They blink back at him, empty. Utterly empty. Void of any sentiment, filled with everything Louis feared.

From then on Louis dated guy after guy, not that there were _that_ many or that it was ever anything long lasting or serious, but he never fully allowed himself to be “single”. Never allowing himself that excuse. Never allowing himself the thought of Harry.

The two of them were still friends, best friends. Just that. Best friends. Never going back to that night up in the tree house. Never allowing that night to seep into their current friendship. Well, except for the night before Louis left.

“You asleep?” He whispers as his fingers run down the base of Harry’s neck.

“Nope.” He breathes out, popping the P. Louis smiles down at him, the light in his eyes seeming to say more than he ever could.

“Have you heard anything from Sam?”

“No, not yet. I’m sure she’ll call with an update soon.”

“How’s your patient?”

“Emilia? Good, good, she’s doing good. She’d had a lot of trouble conceiving in the past, but last night she gave birth to a beautiful baby boy, Eric, who is as healthy as expected.” He runs a finger along one of Harry’s eyebrows. “They’ll need to stay in the hospital for observation but I doubt it’ll be long.” His fingertips dance down to his jawline, delicately skipping over the small freckles as Harry reaches for his hand.

“Is it hard?”

“Is what hard?”

Harry intertwines their fingers together. “Seeing all of these mothers with their kids, when…” He doesn’t need to say another word as he feels Louis smile down at him.

Years ago, when Lottie was merely a toddler, Sam and Will were expecting another child, Jamie. Baby shower held, nursery painted, crib in place, everything seemed perfect as can be, that is until Louis woke up one day at the sound of his mother screaming.

He remembers it as if it were yesterday. It was nearly two in the morning, the fog settling over every inch of the city as the lights to his room suddenly turned on. His father came in, wild eyes searching for Louis’. There was something wrong with mom, he said. Louis should look after Lottie and wait for Elissa and Alex to make their way to the house. There was nothing to worry about, everything would be fine. Just keep an eye out for Lottie and wait for Elissa and Alex.

And so he did. He walked into Lottie’s room and watched her sleep for about 7 minutes before he felt the front door open, Alex and Elissa using their emergency key to get in. Louis walked down the stairs to find Gemma and Harry waiting for him at the end of the staircase. Gemma threw her arms around Louis as Harry held onto his hand, Louis’ grip tightening by the second around his fingers.

Where was Lottie, Elissa asked. Sound asleep, she’s fine. Alex went into the kitchen to make some snacks as they were all wide awake and Elissa ran upstairs. They sat around the kitchen table in silence for a few minutes until Elissa came down the stairs and passed through the kitchen towards the laundry room with red sheets, which was odd since his parents didn’t own red sheets.

Around four in the morning Louis started yawning and Alex suggested they all went to bed for a little while. Gemma climbed into bed with Lottie, an arm wrapping around her small figure and Louis and Harry went off to his room. Louis tossed and turned for a while until finally he turned over and threw an arm over Harry, seeming to find comfort in the boy. Harry readjusted his position as he reached for Louis’ hand giving it a light squeeze. And just like that, Louis was able to fall back asleep.

The next morning, Sam and Will came back from the hospital with dark circles under their red eyes and no baby in sight.

“I want to give them their best fighting chance. That’s why I do what I do, H.”

“This world doesn’t deserve you.”

“Well I don’t know about that…”

Harry presses his head into Louis’ tummy as he lifts himself off of his lap. “Let’s do something today.”

“Do what?”

“You said that you needed to get a place of your own before your parents come back, right? Let’s go do that.”

“You want to go apartment shopping with me?”

“Of course I do! I’m not letting you live in hole.” Louis laughs at that.

“A hole?”

“Knowing you you’d probably end up in one.”

“Fine, let’s go apartment shopping.” Harry opens his mouth again. “On one condition.”

“What’s that?”

“Go shower. You smell like wedding.”

Harry gapes at him as a chuckle lands by Louis’ ear. “I smell like wedding?”

“Booze.”

“Ah.” He smiles. “One problem. I don’t have a change of clothes.”

“Raid my closet. I’m sure the owner won’t mind.”

“You sure? I can just go home really quickly and-”

“No, no. Then you’ll just have to come back here. It’d be a pointless trip. Go. Shower.”

He does as he’s told.

Louis is in the kitchen when Lottie comes down, dressed in a light purple dress and her hair done to perfection. Louis places two coffee cups on the table, Lottie takes one and sits in front of her brother. The coffee was actually meant for Harry; he hadn’t even thought of- You know what? Not important.

“Harry’s here.” Lottie points out as she lifts the cup to her lips.

“He fell asleep on the couch.”

“He’s in the shower.”

“He smelled like booze.”

She laughs against the cup. “That he did.”

Louis notices her choice in fashion and eyes her. It’s eight o’clock on a Sunday, where is she planning to go? They’re not a go-to-church-every-Sunday type of family. Wait. Is it even Sunday? “What’s all this?” He gestures from the plump eyelashes down the golden wedges.

“I- um…” She looks down at her lap seeming to be slightly taken back by the question. “I kind of have a date?”

Louis’ jaw drops in amusement. “Shut. Up.” _She’s still a baby!_ “A date?” _I guess it had to happen eventually._ “You’re kidding!”

“No, I’m one hundred percent serious.”

“My little sister, the flirt.”

“No, no, it’s just the one guy. Charlie.” Lottie’s lips rise in a smile. “He’s really cool, Louis. You’d definitely like him.” She quickly reaches into her dress pocket pulling out her phone and hands it to Louis.

Louis smiles down warmly at the screen. “He seems like a good chap.” Lushes brown waves hiding big curios chocolate eyes, freckles gently sprinkled across his cheeks. “He looks smart.” Louis hands her back the phone.

Lottie stares at the picture for a beat longer before shaking her head and returning the device back to her pocket.

“He is. The smartest. Not only in school, but like, he has this way of- of seeing things… it really amazes me sometimes.” _Yeah… I know how that feels like._ “He’s got this great wit…” _Again, been there._ “We can talk about nothing for hours,” _Hours upon hours of utter nonsense and the world seems like it stops turning._ “You’ll get to meet him soon.”

“I will?”

“I was actually thinking of inviting him over on thanksgiving for dessert?”

“That’s a great idea! I’m sure everyone is dying to meet him. For sure, bring him over.”

“Bring whom where?” Harry walks into the kitchen as he pulls a sweater over one of Louis’ shirts. His hair damp against his forehead he takes Louis’ coffee cup and downs the rest of its content as he sits on the chair next to him.

“Her boyfriend to thanksgiving.”

Harry’s eyebrows shoot up. “Boyfriend? Why is the first I’m hearing of this?”

“Because no one knows about it.”

“And why is that?”

“Dunno.”

“Well, in any case, I’m happy for you, Lotts.”

Louis rises from the table and walks over to the sink, Harry following the movement with his gaze.

“Thank you, thank you. Now if you excuse me, I have a breakfast date to get to.” Lottie’s eyes widen as a realization sets in, guilt pooling in her stomach. “Crap. Louis, I forgot today was your day off. I’m sorry.”

Louis waves her off. “Nonsense. You go with Charlie. Harry wanted to hang out anyways.”

“Oh really? What’re you planning on doing? Watching old movies all day eating everything in the house that contains sugar?” Hurtful but oh so true.

“No. Apartment shopping!” Louis jumps on Harry, wrapping his arms around his neck from the back, his chin on top of Harry’s head. Harry reaches up and rubs Louis’ arm lightly. “Well,” Louis drops his head so that he’s eye level to Harry. “Unless you regret the suggestion?” Louis’ big bright mesmerizing eyes blink back at him like a lost puppy as Harry ’s nose scrunches up.

“Of course not.”

“Great! Lottie, you are hereby relinquished from your Louis-accompanying duties.”

Lottie’s focus shifts from Harry’s hand to the way Louis’ eyes linger on him. “Okay, great. See you tonight.”

“No, actually tonight I was thinking of sleeping at the international space station.”

“Ha. Ha. Always so funny. Bye.” Her words echo through the hallway as he walks out of the kitchen.

Arms still wrapped tightly around Harry, Louis looks down at the hand on his arm. “Breakfast?” Swiftly pulling away, he practically throws himself across the room as far away from Harry as possible.

“Sure.”

_That was subtle, Louis, real subtle._

~

“Hell no.”

“Harry-”

He sighs as he watches Louis walk around the living room, carefully avoiding the need to touch anything and everything in the apartment. “No.”

“But-”

“I’m not letting you live here, Lou.”

“First of all, letting me?”

“You’ll catch hepatitis just by breathing in here too long.”

“It’s not that bad.” Louis looks around for something good to point out.

Nothing. Not even the color of the windows is pleasant.

“Not that bad? Louis it’s a crack house!”

This is the fifth apartment they’ve seen. Each worse than the last. This one’s an old, worn down building forty-five minutes away from the hospital. Way too far of a commute for a surgeon. It smells like cat urine, the walls look like what Harry thinks might be the inside of a cow’s bowel, the view is of an old factory that has now been turned into the new stoner pit in town, there is no elevator, no parking space, the fireplace looks like it’s from a badly made horror film, all in all, a terrible place to call home.

“You’re being dramatic. This place has great potential.” He puts a hand on the banister above the fire place quickly removing it when he touches something sticky. “Okay, maybe not.”

They walk out of the health hazardous building and begin driving, not really certain of their destination.

“Why don’t you get a real estate agent to show you some places?”

“Maybe because I don’t know one.”

Harry sighs as he pulls out his phone. “I do.”

“Who?”

“Daniel.”

“Daniel? Your ex-fiancé Daniel?”

“A, he wasn’t actually my fiancé. And B, we ended on semi good terms, I’m sure he’d be happy to help you out.”

_And if not, the commission will be a great incentive._

“Harry, I don’t know…”

“Already texted him.”

Louis shakes his head. “I can’t believe you.”

“Oh, hush. It’s not like I just dog-eared your book.”

“I did that _once_!”

“Once was enough.”

“I apologized profusely!”

“Yeah and the page is still bent.”

“You- you still have the book?”

“Of course I have the book.”

Louis glances in his direction. _God, that book._

An old edition of some collection or other of poems Harry had gotten at a rare books bookstore one summer. Of course he’d still have it. Harry must’ve read it a hundred times cover to cover. He absolutely adored the book, he’d always seem to get lost within its pages, so lost he never noticed Louis staring intently at him, watching his green eyes flirt with the pages in front of him. The edges of the blue fabric must be completely worn out by now, the corners were already starting to give out when Louis last saw the book. And that was- well, a long time ago.

“Now feed me. You ow me for making me go look at all of those awful apartments”

“You said you wanted to come.”

“So what? Feed me, Louis. Or else…”

“Or else what?”

“I’ll dog-ear one of your books.”


	6. Chapter VI:  If only the truth didn’t hurt and time were just a blur:

After a quick lunch at a little Italian bistro, both having had the house specialty, the chicken, they drive downtown to Daniel's office.

They walk into a tall fancy office building and ride the elevator up to the twelfth floor.

Harry walks up to the receptionist with ease. “Well hello there, Rachel. How’re the twins?”

The receptionist blinks up at Harry for a moment before jumping out of her chair and reaching for him over the counter.

“What’re you doing here!?”

“Can’t I visit an old friend?”

Friend. Right. How could he have been so stupid? Of course Harry has been here before. He dated Daniel for god’s sake. He had a life before Louis came back. A life _with_ Daniel.

“Are you here to see Daniel? Are you getting back together?” Harry’s eyes wonder to his left to where Louis is standing, patiently waiting for this day to be over.

“Um, no. I mean we _are_ here to see Daniel, but it’s not for that.” Rachel follows Harry’s gaze and lands on Louis, her eyes widening as she seems to register his presence for the first time.

“Oh my goodness, how rude of me.” She stretches her hand out to Louis. “I’m Rachel, Daniel’s assistant. And you must be Louis.”

Louis shakes her hand with a smile, his eyebrow arching towards Harry at the mention of his name. Harry leans into him in a whisper. “I might’ve mentioned you.” He shakes his head a bit. “Once or twice.”

Is there anyone he hasn’t mentioned Louis to? Is there anyone left in the universe that doesn’t know of his existence? Does the pope know his name? Where would have Harry met the pope? Never mind that.

“Pleasure to meet you, love.”

The phone by the computer starts going off and Rachel sits back down in her chair. “Harry, don’t leave before I can show you a picture of the twins.”

“I’d never dream of it.”

Rachel smiles back at him and Louis before returning to her work. “Dempsey real estate, how may I help you today?”

Louis follows Harry farther into the building.

 _Wait_. “Harry,”

Harry looks over his shoulder at him. “Yes?”

“Did she say Dempsey real estate?”

“Yes.”

“As in _Daniel Dempsey your ex_ real estate?”

“Looks like I might have to change the name on my business cards then.” They walk into the office at the farthest corner of the building. Windows from top to bottom stand tall as bright day light invades every shadow in the room. “That’s a longer tittle than the one I have now, but I think I can make it work.” Daniel lifts his focus from the cocktail cart near the door where he’s fixing three glasses and looks towards Harry. “Hi.”

Harry offers him a small smile. “Hi.”

Daniel motions for them to sit on the couch against the wall as he in turn sits in the leather armchair next to the cart. “Louis, it’s nice to see you again.” He hands them each a drink. “I hear you’re looking for a place.”

“I am.”

“Is there anything in particular you’re looking for?”

“Um-”

Harry sets his glass down on a coaster as he takes over for Louis who can’t seem to string more than to words together. “It has to be near Hewitt hospital.” Daniel nods. He figured as much, he knows what Louis does for living. After all, he and Harry did date for a few years, he’s met Louis, he’s met the entire family, he’s not new. “It has to have natural light and have enough space for all of his books and-”

“Alright, darling, how about we let Louis tell me what he wants?”

“Right. Sorry.”

_Darling? I’ve never heard him call Harry that. Darling? Seriously? I-_

“ _Louis_?” Daniel turns his attention towards him, head dropping to the right in question. Louis snaps out of it, locking eyes with Harry as he grips his knee. Daniel’s attention moves quickly to the position of Harry’s hand, his memories of the same gesture too raw.

“Oh- Um, sorry. Whatever Harry says is probably right. I’d end up living in a hole if it wasn’t for him.” Harry smiles, squeezing his knee once more before reaching for his cocktail.

“Alright then.” Daniel says clasping his hands together. “First I’ll have you look at some of the proprieties I’ve already found based on what Harry told me. If you don’t like any of those, my team will keep looking until they find you your perfect place.” He gestures towards a white folder resting on the table in front of them. “I’ve got to go into a meeting right now so please, take your time and look through those. I’ll be back in about an hour.” He gets up, smoothing out his blazer.

“Who are you kidding, Danny? You’re the boss, you’ll be in and out of there in twenty minutes’ tops.”

“Surprising enough, this isn’t the first time I’ve heard you say that.” He winks back at Harry as he walks out of the office, leaving the door halfway open. Harry rolls his eyes and falls back into the couch flipping through the proprieties in the folder.

“He _owns_ the real estate company?”

“Yeah. I thought you knew that.”

“No, Harry. I didn’t know that.”

Why would he? It’s not like they talked every day or anything. Louis isn’t even sure they’ve talked, really talked, in all this time. It’s always chit chat. Always the same superficial topics they once loathed. They’ve skated around each other all of these years, carefully avoiding stepping on that landmine that could go off in the blink of an eye.

“These have no potential… Wait- Why am I looking at these? You’re the one moving. Here.” He drops the folder in Louis’ lap. “Louis?”

“Yeah?”

Harry leans into him a bit. “Are you okay?”

“Yeah- I’m fine. I just-” He glances down at the folder and then back up at Harry. “I’m fine.” Harry’s eyes edge deeper into him. “You didn’t like any of these?” He says flipping through the first few listing Harry questioned.

Listing after listing they all get discarded. Harry pours them each another drink as Louis gently sets down yet another piece of paper. “I just think that you have to see yourself really living there, Lou. If you’re going to buy a place of your own, you need to make sure you really love it.”

“I just don’t know how to fall in love with a house, Harry. It’s a house.” Harry drops back down on the couch next to him.

“It’s the same as you do with people. Somehow,” He lifts his eyes to meet Louis’. “You just know.”

_What if knowing is what finally breaks you?_

“I don’t know, H.” Louis flips to the next listing. Nothing. “I just don’t see how-” Louis flips over one more page reaching the end of the folder. His eyes look up at Harry and then back down at his lap. Harry does just the same.

“This one.” They simultaneously breathe out as their eyes lock. Louis bites back a smile knowing Harry is doing the same.

Louis sets all of the other papers on the table and clutches the one he’s currently holding, afraid for dear life that someone might snatch it away from him.

“So, should I send my team into another deep drive or-” Daniel walks into the office holding his suit jacket over his shoulder. “What’s that smile?”

“Can we go see a property now?”

Harry and Louis follow behind Daniel in their own car en-route to see the listing. Once they get there, they waste no time. Daniel unlocks the front door and Louis and Harry stumble through the door fighting to see who got a glimpse of the apartment first.

Stepping through the door first, Harry’s eyes catch a Colum slightly off centered in the middle of the room as he turns the corner farther into the loft. Brick walls accompanied by high clear windows allow natural light to beam against the dark wooden floors. Louis stands in the middle of the room surrounded by a cloud of dust illuminated by the rays of the setting sun shining through as Harry awes at the sight.

“It’s a four-bedroom loft,” Daniel explains, his voice professional yet with a familiar friendliness alongside it. “Well, actually it’s more like a three and a half kind of situation. The last owners wanted to make the master bedroom bigger so they converted the adjoining room into a small office.” Louis and Harry listen intently as they walk around the living room. “It’s fully equipped with two baths, a laundry room, a state of the art kitchen and two parking spots out front.”

“Wow.” Harry’s eyes bulge at the sight of the kitchen.

“It’s six minutes away from the hospital, it has a small but precious little terrace, the neighbors are lovely and it’s in a great school district.”

Louis runs his hand along the kitchen island. “This is…”

“I know.” Harry beams back at him as he walks around the island. “Let’s look at the bedrooms.”

They walk back towards the front door where a floor to ceiling metal sliding door separates the bedrooms from the rest of the apartment. They head down a small hallway and come to a halt as it separates in two.

“To the left, you have the two smaller bedrooms with the adjoining bathroom in-between them.” They walk into the first room through to the bathroom and then to the second room. “To the right here, you have the master suite with its own bathroom and then over here,” He points towards the end of the hallway. “You have the home office.”

“I’ll leave you two to it.” Daniel flashes a grin at Harry before heading back into the living room, leaving the pair in the entry way of the master bedroom.

“This is-” Louis’ eyes scan every inch of the bedroom as Harry scans every inch of his smile.

“I know…”

“I don’t need three and a half bedrooms do I?” He turns toward Harry swiftly. 

“Why not?”

“I don’t know; it seems like a little too much.”

“Louis-”

“And that kitchen- I wouldn’t even know what to do with it. It’s too much house for me. It’s too-”

“Hey,” Harry takes a hold of his shoulders and peers into the wondering blue prison of his gaze. “Breathe.” Louis glances up at Harry, his mind slowing down at the touch. There’s something about the way he looks at Louis that seems to ground him. No matter what, the relentless green seems to hold onto the last bit of his conscience, his sanity. “Let’s go see the office.”

Harry pulls him along into the next room. Even before he can form the thought in his own head, Louis knows exactly what Harry’s reaction is going to be.

“Forget an office,” _Called it._ “It’s a library!”

The dark walls lined with bookshelves, book after book stacked neatly along its edges, decorate the space. In-between two standing bookshelves lies a very messy desk with all types of papers and notebooks scattered over it, a window overlooking the city sits in front of it. Louis looks around at the loose papers littering the desk while Harry studies the bookshelf at the far corner of the room.

Louis picks up a notebook, the page it’s opened to made almost illegible by a large coffee stain and scribbles so incomprehensible they could start to make sense at some point. His fingers dance over a poem hidden under random words as he gives them life with a soft whisper.

“Gather ye rosebuds while ye may,  
Old time is still a-flying;  
And this same flower that smiles today  
Tomorrow will be dying.”

“Robert Herrick.”

“Who?”

“A poet from the 17th century.” He walks to the bookshelf nearest to Louis and starts admiring the spines. “It’s part of a longer poem about Carpe Diem.”

He sets the notebook back down where he found it. “Seizing the day.”

“Precisely.”

Louis looks out the window as the sun sets in the distance, the small library trapped in time, the sweet smell of old books bringing a smile to Louis lips. “It _is_ six minutes from the hospital.”

“That it is.” Harry smiles at Louis trying to convince himself to take the apartment. From the way Harry saw his eyes light up the moment he saw the pictures, he knows there’s no way Louis is letting this loft go.

“It has two parking spaces…”

“Which you claimed to be a big deal for you New Yorkers.”

Louis flinches at that. New Yorker. He never in a million years would consider himself a New Yorker.

They walk out into the living room as Daniel rises from the couch and walks towards them. “So?” Harry smiles down at the floor as Louis takes a step closer to Daniel. “What do you think?”

“I think…” He takes a quick look around the loft, the sun now completely out of sight. “I’ll take it.”

~

Seeing as it’s an amazing apartment and anyone could stop by at any minute and take it, Louis decided it was best if they went back to the office and got all of the paper work done _now_.

“When can I move in?”

“If everything goes through smoothly, which will be the case, I’ll make sure of it, it’ll be ready by the end of the month.”

“Great. Guess I’ll have to start packing soon.”

Although there isn’t really much to pack here. All of his things are back in New York in a storage unit one of his friends got for him.

Louis turns his head towards Harry as he continues to sign documents. “Harry, could you call and tell Lottie that we’ll pick up some dinner?”

“Oh goodie, food!” Harry walks out of the office with a smiling laugh.

“Lotts?” The phone rings four times before Lottie picks up with a sniffle. “What’s wrong?” Harry glances back into the office where Daniel seems to be explaining something or other to Louis. He hears a sob against his ear. “Lotts?”

There’s silence on the line for a moment until a voice reaches Harry’s ear. “Hi, it’s- It’s Charlie?”

“Hi, Charlie.” _The boyfriend,_ Harry thinks. “What’s wrong?”

“Um…”

“Charlie?” Silence falls on the line again. “Is she okay? Is she hurt?”

“No! No, she’s- She’s fine. It’s not her.”

“Then what?”

“It’s um…”

“Charlie.”

“It’s her grandfather. He- Um… He’s gone?”

Harry lets out a breath he didn’t even know he was holding. “Can you put her on the phone for me?” Harry chews on the inside of his lip as he waits. “Lotts? Hey sweetheart,”

“D-ad called.” She breathes in. “S-aid that- that grandpa d-died.” Harry’s heart hollows as he looks towards Louis. “He’s- he’s gone.” She lets out another desperate sob. “Oh god- How- How am I going to tell Louis?! I can’t tell Louis! Oh god- Oh-”

“Hey, hey, hey. It’s okay.” Harry paces up and down the hallway rubbing a hand to the back of his neck. “It’s okay. You- You don’t have to. I’ll- I’ll do it. If you want.”

Lottie hiccups on the other side of the phone. “R-really?”

“Of course.”

“Thank you, H-harry.”

“Are you at the house?”

“Mhm.”

“We’ll be right there. Can you put Charlie back on for me, please?”

There’s a rustling on the other side of the phone as Lottie passes him the call.

“Hi, Charlie. This is Harry.”

“Yes, hello. Lottie has told me great things about you. It’s um… It’s a pleasure to meet you, sir.”

“Wow, so polite. I like you already, Charlie. Now listen,” Harry glances over his shoulder to where Louis is rises out of his seat and continues to shake Daniel’s hand. “I’m not going to lie to you, this won’t be pretty. You can bail now if you-”

“No! No. I- I want to help however I can. Please, let me help her.”

“Okay. Well, first of all I’m going to need you to order some food.”

Back in the office Louis signs the last contract as Harry steps out to make the call.

“That about does it. Congratulations, Louis. I’ll put these in right away.”

“Thank you, Daniel.”

“Oh it’s no problem. I’m happy to help.” Louis smiles as he hands him back the borrowed pen. “Speaking of…” Daniel presses a finger to his temple as he reclines back just a tad. “I know it’s not my place and that I’m way out of line,” Louis shifts in his seat as Daniel speaks. “But after everything, I feel like if I don’t say it, I won’t be able to live with myself.”

“Say what?” Louis braces himself. He knows whatever it is isn’t rainbows, sunshine and kittens. He doesn’t know Daniel much but he knows that tone in his voice, it’s one he’s had to use many times. The “I’m sorry, there’s nothing else we could do” tone in a surgeon’s voice when delivering bad news. It’s the smile a flight attendant gives you right before the plane goes down. 

Daniel leans forward in his seat, as if it were an ordinary conference and Louis were merely a client whom he needed to explain the terms and conditions of a contract to. His relaxed demeanor only makes Louis more impatient.

“He’s never looked at me the way he looks at you. Never. Not even when you barely spoke two sentences to each other.”

Louis’ heart thumps in his ears as Dean shakes his head at the last remark. “Excuse me?”

Daniel sighs, his shoulders dropping in defeat. “Louis, you’re a smart man. I’m sure you realized it even before he did.” Louis gulps as the words rise and fall in his chest. “It took me a while to catch onto it myself, but once I did it was like a bright neon sign over his head.” He shakes his head as he rises out of his chair when he catches Harry peering into the office from the end of the hallway. “I’ll make sure to call you as soon as there’re any updates on the apartment.”

“Realize what?” His words trembling as rises out of his own chair when Daniel stretches his hand out in a final handshake. 

“Dear God, you’re in deeper denial than I thought.” He smiles into a small laugh. “That he’s completely gone for you.”

“What’re you-”

“I loved him like I haven’t loved anyone else, but he’s only ever wanted you.” He can only will himself to blink at this point, hand going limp against Daniel’s. He feels the world stop turning as his blood thumps against his ears. “Just- Don’t make him wait forever.” 

Harry walks into the office at a fast pace. “How’s everything going in here?” His voice level and playful, he puts a hand to Louis’ back.

“Great! Everything’s in order. I’ll call with an update on Monday.”

“Fantastic!” Harry glances between Daniel and Louis, Louis’ eyes lost, wondering over Daniel’s desk. “Lou?” He rubs his palm against Louis’ back. “ _Lou_ …”

Louis slowly rises his gaze to meet Harry’s eyes.

_Never looked at me the way he looks at you._

He shakes it off bringing a smile to his lips. “Yeah, yeah, I’m here.”

_Completely gone…_

“We should- Um… We should go…” He glances back at Daniel whose expression remains the same as always, a selling smile plastered across his face. “Thank you for… For- um… For everything.”

[Christian Leave - Safe and Sound](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rTPvXCiteHc)

Harry’s stomach starts turning once they’re out of the building standing in the parking lot. He has to tell him. He has to say it. He promised Lottie. He has to.

“Louis, can I- Can I drive?”

“Here.” Louis tosses him the keys and slips into the passenger’s side. “What do you want to get for dinner?”

“I- I ordered a pizza?”

“You sure? It sounded more like a question to me.”

“Yeah, yes, I ordered us some pizza.”

He has to say it before they get home. Lottie will be a mess and Louis will have no idea why. He has to do it now. He bites the corner of his lip as he glances towards Louis a few times.

“H, look at the road,” He laughs as he nudges Harry’s shoulder. “You’re going to get us killed.”

“It’s just that I- I kind of have to tell you something.” They’ll be in his driveway any minute now. He has to do it. Just say it. Rip it off like a Band-Aid. Coming from Harry maybe the blow will be less. Maybe he won’t shut down completely. Maybe- But what if he does? Can Harry handle Louis pulling back completely? Can he go weeks on end without seeing him smile? Without hearing his laugh? Can he really just drop a bomb like this on Louis and expect everything between them to be okay?

“Actually, I have to talk to you too. See-”

“Wait!” Harry rushes out as he grips the steering wheel. “Can I go first?”

“Of course you can.” His smile contradicts the irrefutable storm in his eyes.

“Well… The thing is…” He looks towards Louis and then the road and back again 3 times.

“Yes?”

Harry pulls into their drive way and shuts the engine off quickly as he unbuckles his seatbelt. He turns to the side and reaches out for Louis’ hands, holding them in-between his own. “I just want you to know that I’ll be here no matter what, okay? Whatever you need, I’m here.”

“Okay, H, what’s happening? Who died?” He lets out a chuckle as Harry’s face drops all the way to the Marina trench. Louis’ smile fades like a ray of sun disappears imprisoned in a grey cloud. “Harry,” He gulps as Louis holds his hands tighter.

“It’s um… It’s your grandfather… I- I don’t know the exact details but Lotts said-”

“ _Lottie_.”

Louis throws the door open as he stumbles out of the car and runs towards the door, Harry seconds behind him.

Louis runs into the house, noticing two pizza boxes lying untouched at the kitchen table as he calls out. “Lotts! Lotts, I’m home. Where are you?” He runs up the stairs to find her tangled up in her bed with Charlie as he strokes her hair. “Lotts.” Lottie jumps off the bed and into his arms.

“He’s gone.” She sobs into his neck.

“I know, Lotts. I know.” She shakes her head against his shoulder. “It’s alright, love. It’s alright.”

Lottie calms down after a while, returning to the safety of her boyfriend’s embrace as he welcomes her with open arms.

“You must be Charlie; I’ve heard great things about you.”

“As have I. It’s a pleasure to meet you, Mr.- Dr. Tomlinson.” He corrects himself. “I’d shake your hand but as you can see…” He nods down to where Lottie is curled up against his chest.

“Please,” He laughs. “Call me Louis. There’s no need for such formalities here.”

“Right. Yes. Sorry.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The poem Louis read is part of a longer poem called “To the Virgins, to Make Much of Time” about making the most of one's time. It’s about the passage of time and the fact that as we get older we change.


	7. Chapter VII: And if you end up whispering that song you hold in your heart do it loud enough so I can sing along:

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i am DEEPLY sorry that i left y'all hanging for like... a month (?) with that last chapter. i reread it this morning and i was mortified that i left you there with Louis having been slapped in the face with that bomb of a reality check, wow, what a sucky move on my part...  
> N E WAY, this is one of my faaaave chapters, and it's a long one so i hope you enjoy it!! i also hope it quenches your thirst because exams are still very much present and i don't know when i'll be able to give you the next chapters.
> 
> now, this isn't the end, faaar from it, my friends. the story isn't over until you see 2 delightful little words: the end. For now, louis and harry still have a lot to go through, so, sit back, enjoy, and don't hate me if happily ever after is a little harder to reach than you expected. 
> 
> okay, that's it, i'm rambling too much. without further ado, i give you: chapter 7

“Is it alright if I stop by tomorrow before school to pick her up?”

Once Lottie fell sound asleep, and Charlie had slipped her out of his arms and tucked her in, Harry and Louis, hearts warm at the gesture, walked him to the door and thanked him for taking care of her.

“Of course you can.” Harry laughs at Louis’ very obvious yet delightful remark. “I’ll be sure to tell her when she wakes up.”

“It really was a pleasure to meet you both. Lottie has told me so much about you I feel like I know you personally.” Louis gives Harry a silent glance. What exactly has she said? There’s a lot that could be said about these too. “Well, I better be off… Good night.”

“Good night.” They both call out as Louis closes the door behind him.

Back of the head leaning against the front door he sighs. “He’s…”

“Polite?”

“Yes, that too, but I was going to say very sweet.”

Harry nods along to that. Sweet doesn’t even begin to describe Charlie Dawson. He held Lottie in his arms for hours without wavering, making sure she was alright.

“What do you think she’s told him about us?”

“How the hell should I know!” Louis laughs as he pushes off the door. “I guess we’ll both have to change our names to Victoria now, our secrets out everywhere and all…” Harry stops him from pushing off completely with a hand to his cheek.

Louis gazes up as he leans into it just enough to make his mind wonder into something farther.

His first thought was Lottie. How she was doing, how she’d taken the news, how big a hole was left in her heart. He’d jumped out of the car running towards her, arms open, ready to hold her together if need be. That’s his responsibility as her big brother, to dry every tear, to kiss every bruise, to whisper reassurances even when Louis himself doesn’t know what the outcome may be.

Harry knows his heart is in the right place, he knows Louis would do anything for Lottie, just like he’d do anything for Gemma, especially now that he’s been away for so long and missed so much, but Louis hasn’t shown any emotion of his own towards the subject. No discomfort, no tears, no sad slide of his lips. Nothing. And Harry can’t help wonder how all of the shattered pieces within him manage to stay so remarkably beautiful still.

“I’m okay, H…”

 _Not okay as in okay but I’ll eventually be okay._ He might not have been as close to his grandfather as Lottie was, seeing as he’d barely talked to him on his own birthday last year, and they’d left things on wavering terms last they’d seen each other, but nonetheless, he was family. The family circle closing a bit more each time and Harry knows how desperately Louis wishes it’d stop.

“You don’t have to worry about me.”

And, yeah right, like that’s going to happen. It’s Harry, he won’t be satisfied with a brush off of the shoulder “I’m okay” from Louis. He never has. He’s always digging for more, for the truth, even if it costs him.

Harry rises an eyebrow as something swims in the back of Louis’ eyes. A shred of sadness lingers on his every though as Louis takes a hold of Harry’s hand and removes it from his cheek, bringing it down to his own beating heart.

“Do you want me to stay?”

“No, no. You don’t-”

“I’m staying.”

“No, you don’t- You don’t have to.”

“It’s happening.”

“You have work in the morning.”

Harry laughs as interlocks their fingers together and pulls them up the stairs, Louis’ grip strong on Harry’s hand. “So do you.”

“You don’t have any clothes here.”

“I’ll raid your closet again. I’m sure the owner won’t mind giving me a pair of sweats to sleep in and a clean shirt in the morning, right?” He says with a light mocking tone remembering Louis’ suggestion from this morning.

“Harry, you don’t-”

“Lou,” He drops down on the edge of Louis’ bed and kicks off his shoes. “We both know I’m not leaving, so why don’t you just go change in the bathroom while I change in here.”

Louis blinks at him from the dresser. “And why would I need to leave my own room while you change?”

Harry shrugs as he unzips his jeans, Louis’ eyes following his slow movement quietly. “I don’t know, just seemed like the right thing to say.”

Louis throws him a pair of black sweats and an old t-shirt with a quick “here” and dives back into the dresser in search for his own pajamas. When he looks up Harry’s standing in front of him in nothing but his underwear. He hands Louis the outfit he was wearing today neatly folded and the t-shirt he’d just thrown. “What- You going to get picky over a _shirt_?”

“No, no, nothing like that.” His eyes fall onto Louis’ eyelashes brushing his cheeks as the moonlight dances over his cheekbones. Just one touch and Harry knows he’d be stardust. Pulverized right on the spot, falling over the room like cold snow, melting into the carpets as time went on. “I usually just sleep in sweats.”

“Since when?” It comes out sounding more surprised than he intended but in his defense, ever since he’s known Harry he’d always claimed to hate sleeping shirtless. He scolded Zayn once saying he’d catch a cold, Zayn waved him off with a laugh and a few days later what happened? He got a cold. Harry beamed with pride every time Zayn dared to blow his nose near him.

“A while actually.”

Louis jaw drops dramatically. “Harry Styles, ladies and gentleman and non-binary pals, sleeping in the nude.”

“It’s not in the nude if I wear bottoms.” Harry pulls on the sweats and walks up to the bed as Louis himself begins to undress. “Which is your side?” He questions as his eyes flutter towards the articles of clothes Louis carelessly tosses on the floor

“I sleep on the left, H. I’ve always slept on the left, you know that.” Harry smiles to himself as the glooming memory of morning laughter so long ago pokes at him.

“And I sleep on the right, so we have no problem.” He crawls onto the bed as Louis pulls on the t-shirt previously abandoned by one Edward Styles and makes for the bed. “Do you want a pillow wall?” He says holding up a pillow in each hand.

His head pops out of the top of the shirt with a laugh. “A what?”

“You know,” He waves around the pillows as if that’d clear everything up. “A wall made out of pillows in the middle of the bed separating your side from mine.”

Harry’s eyes shine like the brightest star known to man and Louis just melts at the ridiculous question. “Are we five? Do you have cuties?” He runs a hand through his hair as he settles into a high-pitched dramatic tone. “My dear God… Harry, please tell me you have not contracted cuties!” He falls back onto the bed acting out, very poorly might I add, a damsel in distress, a hand pressed against his forehead the other holding an imaginary fan. “Tell me it isn’t true!” Finding Harry’s unimpressed frown hysterical, he begins to crackle. “No, H. I don’t want a _pillow wall_.”

“Good choice,” Louis pulls the blanket over them both as Harry throws the pillows off the bed. “There’s no telling if I’d be able to resist smothering you to death with one of these once you’re asleep.”

“Night, H. You’ll sleep tight knowing _I_ don’t have cuties.”

“Night.”

“Thank you for staying…” He whispers before felling Harry fall asleep.

Louis closes his eyes in an attempt to drift to sleep as well but instead finds a deafening panging against his heart the dark room and the sound of Harry’s breath reminds him. The sheer memory threatening to bring it all down to the brim of his eyes.

It was the night before he left for Columbia, the Styles’ hosted a little going away party in Louis’ honor, only one of the Styles’ didn’t see it as a party but a death sentence. The months prior to the party Harry’s cold glances burned a whole inside him as Louis kept prancing around with whatever that week’s arm candy was, drifting farther and farther away from Harry as the date of his departure approached.

Harry watched silently as Louis brought someone new to the group week after week, each less suited for Louis than the last. An endless parade of guys on Louis’ arm, Harry did his best to bite back his tongue and smile through it, his mind pleading with his heart to stop caring. He stood silently by Louis’ side, who barely acknowledged his existence, as he watched guy after guy come and go as they pleased, Louis never seeming to be too affected by any of their departures.

This night however felt different, felt off. Harry watched him from a distance, something looming over the two as his eyes refused to move away from the slightest twitch of a frown pulling on Louis’ lips. Sure, others could give the simple reasoning of it being wariness from his upcoming cross-country move, but Harry’s mind pulled towards something far more complicated. The rest of the family didn’t seem to notice much, Louis trying to beam his infectious sun like smile all throughout the night, even as they all said they’re goodbyes at the end of the evening, tears upon every eye except for the two pairs whom refused to acknowledge the other’s existence. (Niall might’ve cried a little as Lisa drove him home but you didn’t hear that from me).

Louis stayed back, as he often did, to help clean up once the family made their way home. Cleaning up after a party is never easy, there’s always a sticky substance no one seems to recognize, cups everywhere, food all over everything, it’s not pretty, he recognizes, but it was their thing, his and Harry’s, once upon a time. The music still playing softly in the background, some slow pop-y thing Gemma put on before she retreated upstairs to her bedroom, Louis’ mind loud and unforgiving as he took the last bag left in the kitchen. “Eli, does this one go in the recycling or organic waste?”

“Recycling, dear.” She calls from the other room, her voice lined with her usual motherly tone.

Louis walked out to the curb and deposited the bag in its respectful bin. Breathing in the crisp night air, his feet moved without his minds consent towards the backyard and up the ladder to the tree house. Once inside his head began to throb at the memory of his last thoughts here, _I won’t be able to live with myself if I hurt you,_ the same old pillow lying right where he’d left it moons ago.

“Are you okay?”

His voice velvet soft, Harry pops his head through the bottom of the tree house as he climbs in. Louis whips his head, startled by the sudden voice coming from behind him as his heart plans to race out of his chest.

“What?”

“You’re staring at that pillow as if you’re expecting it to speak to you or something.”

For a brief second, Louis’s thoughts escape him as he finds himself pleading with his feet to move forward into Harry’s arms. His heart gripping at his mind, begging for him to forget everything else and just let himself melt into the other boy. To let himself breathe him in if only _one last time_. The idea of letting go before it’s too late washes over him, his throat closing up as he uses his last bit of strength and pushes it all away.

“I’m fine.” His voice distant and short, he nods.

“You know I’m the one person under the sun you can’t hide from, right?”

“I’m not hiding.” _Coward._ He recognizes. _Coward. Coward._

But he doesn’t care. He won’t allow himself to hurt the one person he’d give up everything, even his own life, for.

Harry.

“You sure? Because you’re not even looking me in the eyes right now.”

[Nothing But Thieves - Lover, Please Stay](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=v78PSm1R7bg)

It takes a second for Louis to do so, his eyelashes fluttering up slowly as he begins to drown in an emerald ocean.

“There they are.” Harry whispers to himself as his mind calms at the sight of Louis’ eyes. And it’s not because they’re bright and blue and the most gorgeous thing he’s ever seen, because they are, but the fact that he’s seeing them for the first time in months. The first time in moths he feels he can see any color at all.

Time passes by as green and blue scream for each other, beg for each other, but neither boy moves. A warm familiarity accompanies the silence, soul peering into soul.

After a while, Harry tilts his head to the side. “Are you nervous about New York?” He knows that’s not it but seeing as he’s Louis’ least favorite person in the world right now he thought it best to ease into things.

Louis scoffs as his eyes roll farther back than he thought possible. “Sure. Let’s go with that.”

“Then what?” 

It’s as if someone spilled liquid nitrogen, a deafening silence settling over them as Louis stares back at him, a dark cloud lurking behind the vibrant blue of his iris’.

“Look- I know things have been… weird between us for a while,” Understatement of the decade. “But that doesn’t mean I’m not here for you. Nothing’s changed.”

Louis’ shoulders drop, the words tugging at his heart still at war with his mind. “I know.”

“Then why are you pulling away from me?” It’s been months- No. _Years_ of him stepping on eggshells. It’s now or never.

Louis’ thoughts rev up as they win the battle against the low hum of his heart.

“I’m not pulling away from you, Harry.” He rolls his eyes as if it the subject at hand has been discussed over and over again, a simple concept explained more times than need be, he throws a dry bitter laugh into the room before continuing. “It’s called dating.”

His mind does cartwheel after cartwheel against the sound of his own voice, the soft mellow beat of his heart cowering at every word.

“Just because I wasn’t with you 24/7 doesn’t mean that I was _pulling away_ from you.”

If that were more of a lie it’d be wearing a red suit, sliding down a chimney and saying ‘ho, ho, ho’, but he keeps a straight face as Harry’s eyebrows furrow.

“Fine.” His lips burning at the most cutting tone he could muster; Harry takes a step forward. “Let’s not say that you’re pulling away from me. Let’s say you’re _pushing.”_

“No-”

Louis wants to scream; he needs time to slow down to a dead stop.

“You’ve been pushing me _away_. Or… Or maybe you’re pushing yourself away,” The back of Louis’ throat burns hotter with each step Harry takes closer to him. “I don’t know- Either way, it’s push, push, _push_.” He finishes off with gritted teeth.

“No!”

His eyes plunge into the green forest in Harry’s looking for the deepest cave to hide in, hoping somehow the world would just stop spinning right at this instant, whishing that the stars would fall out of the sky and end this.

He takes one last deep breath and uses the last grenade he’d locked away just in case. “You’re just jealous I found someone other than you!”

His eyebrows pull together into the worst expression Louis could’ve ever thought of. Hurt. For a mere second, Harry’s face falls completely, at a loss for anything except a heartbreaking expression.

Louis pleads with every God known to man, Greek and Roman included, for this night to end. For this entire day to have been a dream, open his eyes and be safe in his bed, Harry’s eyes far away from that look.

Harry shakes it off, his insides burning, rage rising ever so slowly in the pit of his stomach. “ _Stop being an idiot for twenty seconds and listen to me_!” His volume rises with each syllable, Louis’ breathing turns huffy as his hands stand by his side, clutched into fists.

Noticing the fire starting to crackle within both of them Harry returns his tone to its usual serene calm. “This isn’t you, Lou.” His eyes turn a desperate worried shade of murky green as Louis scoffs. “You’re parading around with-”

“Parading?!” Louis intervenes and Harry all but dismisses his tone as he continues.

“Guy after guy-”

“I’m not a child!” His tone cuts into the room like the blade of the sharpest sword locked away in the highest castle in a kingdom would skin. His eyes hold something in them Harry has never seen before. “I know what I’m doing.” He spits out as Harry tries but fails to hold back.

“Do you?!” His voice bounces off of every surface in the cold tree house as the pit in his stomach drops heavier than ever before. “Because I don’t think you have the _faintest_ idea of what you’re doing!”

The tone in the room shifts as years of underlined feelings hum into the room. Whispers of Good Morning and Good night, giggles under the covers, stolen glances and electric touches ringing in their ears.

Louis readjusts his stance as his eyelashes flutter, the memories gone in a blow of the wind. “What are you even talking about?” He scruffs a hand over his face in desperation.

“You’ve been avoiding me for _months_!”

Louis’ words reach a bittersweet tone. “I haven’t been _avoiding_ you, Harry.” His heart too exhausted from having to hold itself back all this time. 

“You run out of every room I step in. If that’s not avoiding, I don’t know what is.” Harry takes a last step towards Louis, hand stretched out to rub his cheek as he’s done time and time again. The familiarity of the gesture makes Louis’ thoughts tumble against each other as he forces himself to regain balance. “Lou, darling, can you just-”

“ _Don’t_.” He pulls away towards the other end of the room. 

Harry’s worried gaze deepens as Louis steps farther and farther away from him, the air between them charged with everything Harry can’t decipher.

“Just- _Don’t_.” Louis’ eyes start burning as a tear rolls out silently. “I didn’t- I’m not-” He stares up at the ceiling trying to blink back the rest of the tears. “We-”

_“We?”_

“I can’t.”

“Can’t what…?” With the “Lou” missing, the sentence hangs lifeless in the air.

Louis shakes his head as Harry tries the gesture once more. “The other night-” Louis’ thoughts seem to linger in the silence between them as Harry stops dead in his tracks at the memory.

_The pillow…_

A pained look shoots back into Harry’s eyes, welling to the brim as Louis feels his heart being pulled out of his chest by Wolverine himself. This is exactly what he’s been avoiding.

Louis has drowned within his own thoughts night after night as the sheer thought of Harry shedding a single tear for him tore him apart limb from limb. Every cell in his body begged him, pleaded, cried at him to prevent this very thing from happening, no matter the cost, even if it meant himself.

He shakes his head violently along with some tears as Harry’s eyes start to leak.

 _No._ He pleads to himself over and over and over until it’s the only thought left in his mind.

_No. No. No. No. No._

_Please._

_Haz, no._

“Just…” Harry whispers, as a tear trails down to the spot where a dimple’s usually imprinted. “Lou, just talk to me.” Louis shuts his eyes tight as the sound of his name leaves Harry’s lips. “ _Please_ ,”

There’s a crack in his voice Louis only remembers hearing once before. When they were younger and the Styles’ dog had to be put down. Harry cried for days with Louis by his side, Louis clinging onto him, making sure no piece would permanently fall out of Harry.

“Lou,” Another crack breaks through as Louis lets out an internal sob so strong his shoulders shake. “ _Please_.”

“I have to go.” He whispers loud enough over his shoulder for Harry to hear, this time making his heart shatter like a thin crystal bowl as he runs down the ladder and out into the night.

[MEGHAN TRAINOR - AFTER YOU](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pBVf5n3C7Bw)

Louis tosses and turns restlessly trying to go to sleep as the memory continues to leak from him.

Giving up after a while, he turns on his back, looking up at the ceiling. His heart beating heavy in his chest, he glances over to his right, Harry’s back to him, his shoulder rising and falling with ease as he seems to be sound asleep. Louis bites the inside of his lip as he inches closer towards, slowly, making sure not to wake him.

He breathes out once he feels Harry’s warmth dance across his own skin.

Harry, wide awake, arches his neck back at Louis. “What’s wrong?”

“N-nothing.” His heart beating at Harry’s words as he stutters out. “I just- I-” He gulps holding back the tears suddenly filling his eyes. “I needed to know that you were here.”

“Of course I’m here, Lou.” Harry flips over to face him. “Hey, hey…” He wipes away the tears shinning on Louis’ cheeks as he grips his eyes closed. “It’s okay… You’re okay.” He presses a hand to Louis’ back pulling him closer to his chest. “He’s in a better place now, you said it yourself.”

If it weren’t for the crying, Louis would’ve probably laughed at that. It’s sweet that Harry’s comforting him over his grandfather, if only it were that.

“No. No, it’s not- Of course I’m sad that he’s gone, but that’s not-.” He clutches onto Harry, grounding himself as he breathes in. “I messed up, Haz. I messed up big time.”

Harry sits up on the bed in a flash, wrapping Louis’ legs around his waist. “What are you talking about?” He asks as he strokes a few hairs away from Louis’ face.

“ _I’m sorry_ -” He focuses his eyes on Louis doing his best to keep him anchored. “I messed up. It’s all my fault.” His words collide into each other and Harry does his best to keep up. “All these years- I’m sorry. I- I didn’t mean to. I just- I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have- And, and it’s like a bright orange neon sign over your head-”

“A what?”

“-and he said- I’m sorry, Haz. I’m so, so sorry.” His eyes frantically plead with Harry. “And then the other night with Chris-” His lips falter at the words. “I’m sorry. It’s all my fault. I should have never- I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’m-”

Harry’s eyes flutter between Louis’, his pleading seeming to be knocking the air out of his lungs. Shutting up and breathing life into Louis all at once, Harry locks their lips together.

For an instant, it’s just Harry’s desperate lips against Louis’ limp ones. Louis’ mind stops screaming at him and time stands still. The only sound in the room being a light moan coming from Louis throat. Just as Louis starts to deepen the kiss, having been caught completely by surprise a second prior, Harry pulls back and presses their foreheads together, his hands wrapping around Louis’ waist.

“Breathe, Lou. Just breathe.”

And he does. In and out, in and out as his eyes close gently and his forehead pushes into Harry’s a bit more.

Thought, there’s a fleeting moment where Louis doesn’t want to breathe, he doesn’t want a single whisper of air in his lungs if that means he can push himself forward and kiss Harry. Kiss him with such passion he doesn’t even remember his own name. Kiss him and make everything alright. Kiss him and never stop.

After what has felt like an eternity of running, he’s finally gotten a taste of what he feared most, a taste. And now he wants more. 

Every single whisper of fright completely gone from Louis’s thoughts, he just wants more. He wants everything he didn’t allow himself before. He wants it _all_.

“Now…” Harry rubs the nape of his neck with the back of his thumb, easing Louis’ breathing with each stroke. “Tell me what happened.”

Louis pulls away from Harry as he stares down at his lips, desire burning at the tip of his tongue.

“Daniel… he um… He said something today.” Harry nods, shifting under Louis in order to fully sit up against the headboard. “He said that I knew even before you did- and he was right. That’s why I- why I…”

“Why you what, Lou?”

He closes his eyes as Harry tilts his head. “Let you go.”

“I’m right here.”

Louis continues as if Harry hadn’t said a single thing, his words rushing from his lips before his mind has the decency to catch them.

“He said that it was like a bright orange neon sign over your head. He said you never-” Louis shakes his head slowly as his words fall to the edge of a whisper. “And then the other day, Chris said that I was scared- which in all fairness I have been, for years, but- he- he asked me if I was willing to _lose_ you…”

Louis feels a cold grasp against his heart at the thought of what could’ve been. What if he had just faced it, what if he’d said something earlier, if he hadn’t run? Maybe, just _maybe_ …. But he _did_ run. He ran as fast and as far as his legs could carry him. And now the thought of loosing Harry all over again is unbearable.

Harry’s lips part as a whisper escapes them booming over Louis’ every thought. “You’d never lose me.” He hugs Louis to his chest tight as he readjusts them both back under the covers, kissing the top of Louis’ head as he tries with all of his might to keep himself together. “Never.”

After some time, wrapped inside Harry’s warmth, Louis’ tears slow down, his mind finally quite as he drifts off to sleep. 

If he had to guess, Harry would say he slept maybe three hours all together. Every slight movement Louis made in his arms kept him awake as the thought that he might’ve just ruined any chance he had with him threatened his very sanity.

Maybe the kiss was too much. He over stepped. He should’ve never crossed that line.

Afraid that Louis might wake up again, Harry listened to his breathing and pleaded to the dark that everything would be alright.

Breath in…

_Please don’t run. But if you do, know that I’ll chase you until my legs give out._

_Breath out…_

_Please don’t make me chase you. But if you do, know that I will until my very last breath._

_Breath in…_

_Please don’t leave me, because I’ll shatter without you._

_Breath out…_

_But know that even if I do, I’ll pick up my pieces and run to the ends of the earth for you and only you._

He watched as Louis’ tear stained cheeks dried in the dead of night. His eyes lingered on eyelashes fluttering as he dreamed.

He traces Louis’ jawline gently as the thought of all of those nights, ages ago, where they’d just stay up looking into each other eyes, hushed tones passing secrets back and forth, all except the one that broke them apart.

Harry could write a thousand poems and it still wouldn’t be enough to describe the man in front of him. He could bring down every star in the galaxy for him and it’d still be insufficient. He could dedicate every song in the world to him and they’d still fall short. Far too short.

Sunlight brushing his cheeks, Louis wakes up to feel a lingering look on his lips. Harry smiles inward as his eyes flit upwards to a now awake Louis.

“You snore.” He whispers in a hushed tone and Harry cracks a laugh.

“Well good morning to you too, sunshine.”

And right on cue, Louis’ alarm starts beeping and he grunts into the pillow. Being the responsible adult he is, he gets up instantly to shut it off.

“You can take my shower; I’ll use my parent’s.” Louis’ sleepy gaze lands on Harry’s bare torso. “There’s um… There are shirts in the left side of the closet.”

“Thank you.”

Louis nods and makes to leave before stopping at the door. “Can we um… Can we talk? Later?”

“Yeah,” Every possible scenario curses through Harry’s veins crushing him. “Sure.”

Harry jumps out of bed and into the shower in a flash once Louis disappeared down the hallway all the while the same thoughts run rampant in his head. 

_He hates me. The kiss was too much. I shouldn’t have done it._

All morning long Harry avoided Louis’ gaze, afraid that he might say too much in a single look. After breakfast he washed his plate quickly and ran out the door claiming to be running late.

He’s spent the entire day thinking of every possible outcome of his impending chat with Louis. All endings vastly different yet frighteningly similar, his thoughts seem to cling onto the worst of them.

He ate lunch alone in his classroom as he desperately talked himself out of completely spinning out. _Whatever has to happen will happen and that’s that._ Just as he found himself beginning to turn a dark path again, his phone rang. His mother. She needs his help setting up her new television, could he stop by later in the day? Of course he could. She wouldn’t be home; does he know where his spare key is? He’s not a child, of course he knows where his keys are.

Now finding himself programing his parents new flat screen, the same dark thoughts return to the front of his mind. Over and over he pushes them out, each one staying a bit longer than the last.

He hears his phone ring in the kitchen as he’s setting up the final Netflix account. He walks up to the kitchen counter and checks the caller ID, a picture of a sleepy Louis wrapped in a blanket pouting on a couch pops up. He’s never had the heart to change it, not even when things got rough, not even when the mere mention of the boy’s name made his heart shrivel like a raisin.

His heart marches to the beat of a drum as he picks up with a small “Hi.”

“Hello, stranger. Long time no talk.”

“I saw you this morning.”

“Yeah and you barely looked me in the eye let alone had a conversation with me.”

“Sorry about that… I was…”

“Running late?”

“Yes. Exactly.”

“Liar… _Christ_ \- When was the last time you were up here?”

“What? Been where? Where are you?” There’s a beat of silence as he switches the phone from ear. “Louis?”

“…the tree house…”

Harry looks out the kitchen window into the backyard and poking his head out of the wooden box held high in the tree he spots Louis.

“I’ll be right there.”

“So, you want to tell me why you really ran out this morning?”

Louis leans back against the wall farthest in the tree house, his arms crossed over his chest as he watches Harry climb into the room.

“I didn’t _run_ out.”

“You left behind a little cloud of smoke and everything.”

Harry shakes his head, straightening his back out. “Why are you up here?” The question whooshes around the room as he steps closer towards Louis, the floorboard creaking under his feet.

“I’ll answer your question when you answer mine.”

Louis watches Harry shift uncomfortably as he waits for an answer, his heart speeding up more each passing second silence surrounds him.

“Alright...” Harry sighs inwards preparing the answer in his head. He bolted out this morning faster than he could say “coucou” there’s no denying it.

His body wants to give out at the thought that he truly did ruin things last night. Louis has shown him time and time again that he just isn’t ready. He should’ve know better.

“I- I overstepped last night.”

“What?”

“When I- When I kissed you. I crossed the line, I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to-”

“No- Harry.” Louis shakes his head as he takes long strides towards him. “No…”

“You were just rambling so much- it seemed like you were going to run out of air at any second and I- well, I don’t know, something in me just _\- I’m sorry_ -”

“Hey…” Louis takes Harry’s cheeks in his hands as he peers into the wide regretful eyes. “Ask me.”

“What?”

“You answered my question, now it’s my turn. Ask me.”

Harry furrows his brows in confusion but complies anyways. “Why…?” Leaving the question open. _Why are you up here of all places?_

Louis’ lips rise into a smile at the way Harry’s eyes seem to know every nook and cranny of his every thought. Every hidden pathway, every secret door, exposed in his intoxicating gaze.

“I wanted to see if I could fix my biggest mistake.”

Harry’s puzzled expression pears at Louis as he continues.

“As I said last night, I messed up. Big time. I was a kid; I was scared out of my mind. And even as an adult, right now, standing in front of you, I’m terrified.”

“Of what?” It’s sounds more like a beg than an actual question, his voice playing jump rope with the line between them.

“Of- of getting hurt.” He sighs as Harry’s eyes plead for more. “ _Of hurting you_. But instead, I just caused us both years of unnecessary pain, didn’t I?” He laughs dryly, absolutely no humor within the statement. “I just- I wanted to see if I’m not too late? I’m done running, H. Am I terrified? Yes. But nonetheless, I’m here.” He tucks a strand of hair behind Harry’s ear as Harry reaches up to grab his hand. “I’m right here.”

Louis arches his neck up and locks lips with Harry. This time it’s Harry who’s taken by surprise, deepening the kiss as Louis pushes him against the nearest wall. 

Louis pulls back slightly, biting Harry’s bottom lip.

“Took you long enough.” Harry breathes out as Louis releases his lip.

“Was it worth the wait?” Louis teases with an arched brow as his hands find Harry’s hips.

“Oh,” Swinging his leg around Louis, Harry pulls him back into a kiss. “S _o_ worth it.”

An amount of time that no parent would condone later, sitting on the cold wooden floor of the tree house, Harry’s legs still wrapped around Louis, they finally come up for air.

Louis giggles into Harry’s shoulder when he notices how bruised Harry’s neck looks. “‘M sorry,” He brushes a finger over a love bite, his mark on Harry, all his, as Harry shakes his head. He leans into the touch, his eyes shimmering like the stars on a warm summer night. 

Louis pouts as Harry pulls back from the kiss he was about to initiate. “Okay-” Louis’ lips chase after Harry giving him small pecks as he talks. “But- Should we- What- Lou!” Louis bites his bottom lip as he leans back to look at Harry. “ _What_ is this?”

“Do you seriously want to know what we are right now?”

“Yes?” Harry’s cheeks blush in the lightest pink.

“ _Right_ now?”

“ _Yes!_ ”

“Right now as there’s more of my DNA in your mouth than there is in mine right now?”

“Yeeeeeees.”

“Fiiine!” Louis kisses him lightly. “We’re dating.” A kiss to his nose. “Boyfriend.” One on his cheek. “Boyfriend.” He bites lightly on Harry’s earlobe. “I’m all yours.” He whispers wetly against his ear as a shudder runs though Harry. “And you. Are. Mine.” Louis goes in for another kiss only to be stopped by Harry’s hand on his chest.

“Oh, just like that?” Louis tilts his head, not understanding the question. “I’m supposed to just _be_ your boyfriend?” He teases. “You whistle I come running, is that it?” Louis smiles against his cheek as his lips move back towards his ear.

“If you’ve changed your mind I completely understand-”

Harry stops him from standing and pushes him back all the way to the floor, knees on either side of Louis’ hips.

“Oh, hell no. You’re not going anywhere.”

Their bodies pressed against each other, they stay lips locked for a while until the sun is completely hidden away and a chilly breeze wafts through the treehouse making Louis shiver.

“No sex.” Louis rushes out as Harry’s hands play with the bottom of Louis’ shirt. It was an innocent touch but he still feels like he should make things clear.

Harry laughs at the comment. “What?”

“We can’t have sex.”

“Ever?”

“No, smartass. Not _ever_. Just… for now,” Louis licks the inside of his teeth as he explains further. “I want to do this right. We have to take this slow.”

Another thought pops into his head, hating the sound as soon as his lips form the words. “No one can know we’re dating.”  
  


“We’re dating?” He teases knowing it’ll make Louis feel a bit more comfortable.

  
“It’s been about 20 years, Harry, what do you want to call this?” He tucks a few hairs behind his ear. “If people find out… something will go wrong.”

Harry shakes his head with a grin. “You’re not going to lose me.”

“I don’t want there to be any chances.”

“…Okay….” He draws out as his lips move to Louis’ neck, leaving a trail of big wet kisses behind. “Like I said, Lou… No rush.” Louis’ back arches as Harry moves down towards his collarbone.

A few minutes later, once the treehouse gets too cold for Louis to handle, they head back inside. Louis’ arm locked around his waist as he kisses every inch of Harry’s exposed neck.

“Is this what you meant by “talk later”? Sucking on my neck like a vampire?”

“I’m sorry.” He says in dramatically hurt tone. “If you don’t like it,” He pulls away from Harry as they reach the living room. “I can always stop...” Harry stretches his hand forward to grab Louis’ waist as a voice breaks through the house making him stop dead in his tracks.

“Harry?”

Elissa pokes her head from the bannister at the top of the stairs, her eyes flickering towards Louis as a grin rises within her. “Louis, dear, I didn’t know you were going to be here.” She floats down the stairs eyeing Harry.

“Sweetheart, your neck…” She narrows her eyes to get a closer look.

Louis’s eyes flash towards the love bites, plural. He doesn’t know whether to be proud of himself for marking Harry as his own or be petrified that Elissa, Harry’s _mother_ of all people, is about to catch them.

He stares down at his shoes as Harry rushes out an explanation.

“I um… I’m okay. We were outside, must’ve been a bug or something.” Yeah a mosquito called Louis. “It’s fine- I’m okay- It’s nothing-”

“Still…” She brings a hand to his chin inspecting the bite further. “It’s…” Noticing her sons blushed cheeks her eyes wonder over to Louis, who seems to be very interested in the material of his shoes. “Keep an eye on it.”

“Will do.”


	8. Chapter VIII:  Pull me closer; my heart beating faster to your every whisper, my eyes wild at your every move:

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this one's a short one but i felt like i had to throw you something and *cough* someone *cough* reeeeally needed me to update, so, i give you, chapter 8

Ten days later, November 22nd, they find themselves driving down to Chris’ birthday party. A hand resting gently on Louis’ thigh as Harry drives and Lottie accompanies them from the backseat, a loud chuckle escaping her lips every once in a while.

Surprisingly she’s the only one that knows about them, Louis having spilled everything the moment she stepped through the door that night. Louis and Harry assume that Charlie knows too. Every time he’s around when they’re together he smiles in a mischievous smile as if he held the keys to a long lost city. 

It’s been a nice couple of days. More than nice if anyone were to ask either of them. They’ve fallen back into old routines, comfortably familiar yet excitingly new at every turn. A sense of comfort when they breathe the same air but hearts beating with childlike joy when their eyes meet as if for the first time.

Lottie giggles into her hand, reading an incoming text and Louis can’t help but eye her.

“What’s so funny?”

“Oh nothing…”

She snickers again.

“Lotts,”

“Yeah- What?” She looks up to meet Louis’ eyes, wide and curious. “Do you really want to know what he said?” Louis and Harry nod simultaneously. Anything Charlie’s said that could make her laugh this hard is probably worth listening to. “Fine.” She begins to read the text aloud as Louis readjusts in his seat, rubbing his thumb over Harry’s hand. “‘Halo’s pretty gooey, huh. Please tell me we’re not _that_ clingy.’” She finishes off with another laugh as she tucks the phone away.

Harry’s interest seeming peaked, he turns his attention to the rearview mirror. “What’s Halo?”

Lottie bites her lip before answering, not sure if she should actually say. “That’s your um… ship name.”

“Our what?” Harry laughs, her cheeky smile reflecting on the rearview mirror.

“Your ship name.” She sighs and begins to explain, a move she’ll later come to regret. “A ship is the combination of two people’s names. Louis plus Harry equals Halo.”

Harry glances at Louis with a crooked smile. “Wouldn’t it be Larry? The L from Louis and the Arry from Harry?”

Louis crosses his arm across his chest, childish and playful, his expression unconvincingly serious. “You just like ‘Larry’ because you get more letters than me.”

That’s exactly why he likes it.

“Oh don’t be dramatic, Lou. Halo just _sounds_ better...” Lottie chipper tone wafts from the back seat making Harry’s nose scrunch up at Louis’ face growing smug next to him.

They reach the Laser Tag place with time to spare. Chris, being the man child he is, requested that his party be here, where he can relive his best childhood memories. Gemma, being the sweetheart and forever loving wife that she is, compiled without hesitation. It’s a pretty standard birthday party. Pizza, sodas, cake, quick anecdotes from Gemma and Chris’ honey moon, nothing too graphic except for the part where Chris almost died choking on a peanut (they were seeing how many she could throw in his mouth from across the room, an impressive 46, that is, if you count what authorities would’ve deemed the murder weapon, the last one that got logged in dear Chris’ throat.), gifts and a fantastic competitive game of laser tag. Because what 32nd year old’s birthday party doesn’t call for a game where he can pretend to be a Jedi fighting the empire in Star Wars.

There are a total of four teams, as there’s always been whenever required in group games. Lisa being five months pregnant decided to sit this one out. Gigi and Maya, Zayn and Liam’s girlfriend (both lovely girls who couldn’t have chosen better partners) not being too into the competitive aspect of the game, best choice they could’ve made, they’d run screaming if they saw what takes over this family when they’re competing, decided to keep her company.

In the green team there’s Harry, Lexi, Lottie and Chris. In the blue team, Louis, Blake, Marcus and Gemma. In the red, Liam, Zayn, Elissa and Will. And finally in the purple team, Niall, Sam, Alex and Meredith (it usually also includes Lisa). They all suit-up and prepare for battle, their words not mine.

Once the game starts, every team runs off to their respective corner to develop their strategy, which has always been the same for all teams. Run, shoot, hide, don’t get killed. Seeing as there’s a prize at the end of the game and this lot has always been way too competitive, that last one is extremely important.

The lights completely off, they each sport a point scoring vest, a target, with whatever bright neon color their team is, glowing in the middle of every player’s chest. Their plastic guns, connected to the back of their vests, glow in the same color. They wait for the digital clock on the wall to start the timer. They have 45 minutes to come out victorious, only one team can be left standing, every single member of the other teams must be eliminated for it to count as a win. That being the families rule, not the establishments. Told you. Competitive. 

As the time winds down, minutes left on the clock, two teams are left standing. Green having Harry and Lottie as their final players and blue only having Louis. Being as tiny as he is, Louis is able to hide easily behind the tall structures situated all across the room. He’s been keeping up a good fight ever since he killed off his own mother from the purple team, making Niall have a fit about how Louis could’ve possibly shot her from so far away. Great sportsmanship from Niall as always.

As the clock hits the 3:17 mark, a flash of green passes a few passes to the left of Louis. He holds up his gun, ready to fire at any sudden movement, as he approaches the nearest column, covering his back as to not be an easier target. Another green flash runs by Louis, on the right this time.

“Styles…” He walks further, his weapon “cocked and loaded”, only not really since it’s made entirely out of plastic and all he has to do is push the trigger. “I know you’re there…” He takes a few more steps as he looks back over his shoulder, making sure there isn’t anyone sneaking up on him. “Don’t hide from me, Styles…”

Louis turns a corner and jumps at the touch of a hand wrapping around his waist. His eyes close as a breath lands softly against the nape of his neck. 

"I'd never hide from you, mon chéri." 

It’s the first time they’ve called each other any sort of cute couple-y nickname, apart from Charlie and Lottie apparently referring to them as Halo, which only proved their suspicion of Lottie telling Charlie absolutely everything, but nonetheless they’d been stuck in the same best friend routine from before, with the added perk of make out sessions so heated they were both rendered speechless. Granted, many of them have been interrupted by prior commitments or Louis’ damn pager going off, since he’s the on-call doctor closest to the hospital, the patient might not even be his, still, he’s paged. 

Louis brushes his cheek back against Harry's, his mouth resting inches away from Harry's lips. He spins around in Harry’s arms and gently pushes him back against the nearest column. “Mon chéri?”

“You don’t like it?”

“On contraire…” He runs a hand through Harry’s locks, teasing.

Harry glances at the clock, 1:08 flashes in bright white. He has to do it now; Lottie must be rounding the corner this very second.

He leans down a bit and pulls Louis into a deep kiss, a surprised rush of air emerging from Louis’ nose as the clock ticks, the final seconds of the game now in play.

It’s as if time held its breath, not another thing in the world except them until Louis’ eyes shoot open as his chest beeps and starts blinking red. He’s been eliminated. “What the-” His head whips back to see Lottie standing proudly a few steps back. His eyes fiery, he steps back from Harry’s embrace. “You curly haired cunt!” Harry laughs as Louis pokes him in the chest with the muzzle of his gun. “You tricked me!”

Harry steps towards Louis reaching out to hold him again. “Don’t be mad, it was Lottie’s idea.”

Louis turns his attention towards Lottie as she screeches. “ _My_ idea?” Harry tries to bite down his grin as she walks away. “I’m just a piece in this Halo game, aren’t I? A rook! A pawn!”

Just as Louis is about to turn back towards Harry and give him an earful, the lights turn back on, indicating that the game is over.

“Oops…” Harry quickly darts around Louis and backs away. “Looks like we have to go.” He blows Louis a kiss before jogging in the opposite direction.

~

The Horan’s host a lovely Thanksgiving as they do every year. More food than anyone can eat and more alcohol than anyone should consume in one sitting, the night flows with ease as it always does. As dessert is served they all begin asking about sweet old Charlie and his whereabouts seeing as Lottie had made such a thing of him joining them for dessert.

Lottie excuses herself from the table to go check up on her boyfriend and moments later Louis hears the front door open with a happy shriek, sign that Charlie has finally arrived. Once he’s passed around the table like a basket of bread introducing himself to every member of the family, Charlie smiles at Louis and Harry, elbow to elbow at the far end of the table. “Halo.” He says with a playful smile.

“Halo?” Zayn asks, cutting another piece of pie for him and Gigi to share.

“Um-” Charlie’s eyes dart from Harry to Lottie to Louis and back at Zayn. His brain runs on overdrive as he pleads for it to come up with an explanation. “Yes! _Yes_.” And apparently it does. “It’s a form of saying _hello_ …”

“Oh,” Maya chimes in from a few sits down. “That’s cute!”

“Yes… _Halo_ is _very_ cute.” Lottie and Charlie nod as the words fall from her mouth.

After dessert, everyone retreats to the backyard where they’re awaited by music and a nice chilly breeze. As everyone settles down in the patio, Louis’s eyebrows dance towards the patio door that leads to the main hallway, Harry nods back and excuses himself from the group as Louis disappears deep within the house.

Harry pokes his head into the living room, not here. Laughter rings throughout the back of the house as he continues looking. He moves inward to the staircase by the front door. Maybe he’s upstairs? He cranes his neck up, “Lou?”. Nothing. So, he walks back the way he came, only stopping at the kitchen door when he hears a snicker.

Louis’ smile beams the instant Harry pushes beyond the door. “Remind me to never pick you for my team if we ever play hide and seek.”

Harry rolls his eyes as he hooks a finger through one of the loops in Louis jeans, pulling him closer, much closer. “Very funny.”

He tugs on the front of Harry’s shirt; the same gesture a child would use to ask its mother for candy. “Are you free on Saturday?”

“Of course I am,” He laughs. “I’m helping you move, remember?”

“Well…” He draws out the vowel as he plays with one of the buttons on Harry’s shirt, the realization that shirts have too many buttons setting upon him. _Why so many buttons? No need for so many buttons. Buttons are evil, containing things that should be free, God, buttons should just disappear._ “I was thinking…” He straightens out the collar of Harry’s shirt. Not that it needed to be fixed but his fidgety hands needed to do _something,_ something other than what they initially want to do. _Button after button, a prison for your skin._ “I was wondering…” Harry holds Louis’ hands still on the back of his neck as he shifts his weight from foot to foot. “If… maybe…” He looks up from under his eyelashes with a hopeful, borderline pleading, glint in the corner of his eyes. “You’d want to… _stay over_ …?”

“Are you sure you-”

“I’m done waiting, H.” He brings his lips to the tip of Harry’s jawline. So strong, defined, so perfect, it’d make Pythagoras weep. “I’m _so_ done.”

Harry’s lips, glossy, surrounding a crooked smile that makes wings flutter against Louis’ stomach, smile into a kiss.

And so, Saturday rolls around.

Louis, Harry, Lottie and Charlie, not surprisingly as he seems to be glued to her every minute of every, unload the moving van sent from New York.

Morning turns to afternoon which in turn turns to night as Charlie brings in the last box.

“That’s the last of it.”

“Thank you.” Louis smiles warmly at his sister as she drops down on the new leather couch, handpicked by one Mr. Harry Styles. It’s set in the middle of the living room, it’s large L shape surrounding a small coffee table, facing a reasonably sized plasma screen, the candle in the middle of the table was also Harry’s idea, most of the loft’s design was Harry’s idea, but Louis doesn’t mind it one bit. “Really, we couldn’t have done it without you.”

“Do you want to get some food? I heard there’s a great Mexican place down the street.”

Charlie means well, he does, Louis thinks, but tonight’s not the night. Really, he’d be more than drilled to go out with them any night, any other night except tonight. Louis gives Harry a look as Lottie starts eyeing them.

“What?”

“Nothing. It’s just that…” _I need you gone. Far, far away from this apartment._ He sways back and forth on his heels. _Pretty please._ “Harry was planning to stay over.”

“So?”

“Lotts.” Harry gives her a smile telling enough for a snail to understand and it makes Louis blush crimson. 

“Oh.” Her eyebrows rise to her hairline as she looks between them. “ _Oooooh.”_ Charlie laughs next to her as he’d gotten it way before she did. “Wait. _Wait_. So you’re telling me that you two haven’t….” Harry bites the inside of his cheek to keep from laughing at the horrified look on Louis’ face. “But you’ve been together for like _a_ _month_!” She exclaims as it were an eternity and a half.

Louis mind flickers for a moment. “And how long have you and Charlie been together?”

Charlie’s expression goes as solid as if he’d just seen a ghost, Lottie gulping as she looks between him and her brother. “Not important.” She turns towards Harry, him seeming the one more open to the conversation. “Never? Not _once_ in all these years?”

“Nope.” His eyes flash beyond his shoulder where Louis is praying for a power outage or an asteroid strike to make this conversation end as quickly and painlessly as possible.

“Wow. Then-” She pulls Charlie by the forearm towards the door, he might’ve whined a bit, she might’ve ignore him, and darts out. “ _Have fuuuun…_ ”

Harry turns just in time for Louis to burrow himself into his chest. “God.”

“It wasn’t _that_ bad.”

“Not that bad? Harry-” Louis parts his forehead from Harry’s chest, leaving a trace of sweet warmth behind as he looks up at him. Harry’s eyes shine brighter than a gold watch on a hot summer day in the middle of a busy Brazilian street, sparkling more and more with each blink. “What’s that look for?”  
  
[Winona Oak - Let Me Know ](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5U5RagJIBU8)

He kisses the top of Louis’ head as a warm smile spreads across his face.

Without hesitation, he grabs a hold of Harry’s waist, pulling him backwards onto the couch. He pulls him down by the collar of his shirt, each whisper of space between them galaxies too grand. Louis wraps an arm behind Harry’s neck and pulls him further down, eyelashes so close they can feel the other blink, lips so far they might as well be in different cities, eyes so focused you could drop a bomb on them and they wouldn’t even flinch.

“So.”

“So.”

“Here we are.”

“Indeed we are.”

“Do you plan on doing something about it?”

His teeth grace Louis’ jaw, each breath heavier than the last. “I plan on doing lots of things.”

“Oh?” He whispers as Harry’s ear passes by his lips, his eyes on their way to the nape of his neck. “Is that so?” Harry nods slowly, his hands making tight circles in the dip of Louis’ hips. “Well then… I think we might want to move this party to the bedroom.”

“Bedroom-” _God_. Louis finds himself biting Harry’s shoulder as he breathes out every word with an elegant warmth Louis locks away as lust. “Couch- Floor- Kitchen- Shower- Wherever,” Their eyes meet, each blink being time wasted. “I don’t care.”

Louis gulps at Harry’s eyes, deep and on the verge of desperation. “Bed.” He points his eyebrows left towards the long dim hallway.

“Bed it is.”

Louis grins against Harry’s lips as he wraps an arm around his waist and peels him off the leather. Barely 4 steps later, Louis’ back crashes against the wall outside his bedroom, the cheap Ikea painting tilting in its frame as Harry buries himself into Louis’ chest. They stumble into the dark room in a cloudy mix of desperation and comfort, their touch burning brighter each step closer to the bed.

[Toothpaste Kisses - The Maccabbees](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=06PmS9GDG3A)

The crippling fear of it all having been but a simple dream gushes deep into Harry’s mind as morning sunlight dances across his closed eyelids. Gripping them closer, he pleads for last night’s memories to be there. Every sloppy kiss, every whisper, every intoxicating brush of a finger far too perfect in his mind to have been real, he replays them all over and over again like a soft melody, a smile inching to his lips as he turns in bed.

Tangled warmly under the sheets, he reaches out to his left hoping to find a sleepy Louis. His smile falls flat when he comes to a cold empty pillow.

“Lou?” His voice groggy with sleep and his hair all sorts of messy, he calls out into the empty room.

After a moment, his brain fully awake, he pulls on a pair of sweats Louis must’ve left for him at the end of the bed, and strides into the kitchen.

“Morning, sunshine.” Louis looks back over his shoulder from the stove. “Sleep well?”

Harry nods his head into Louis’ shoulder, his hands reaching forward to wrap around his tummy.

“Woke up to an empty bed though.”

Louis kisses Harry’s temple as his hands move in front of him, all types of smells emerging from each pan. “I’m making you breakfast in bed but I can’t very well do it if you aren’t in bed, can I?”

“It’s lonely there without you.” His hands run over Louis chest as he presses soft kisses to his cheek. “Come back with me…”

“Harry…” Louis shut off the last burner as Harry’s lips trace over his neck.

“Come back to bed…” His voice skipping on the edge of pleading, every syllable more urgent than the last. “Come on…”

“Well,” He untangles himself from his arms with ease and Harry spins him around and pushes their chests together, leaving but an envied whisper between their lips. “You did mention a shower last night.”

“Yeah?” Louis runs his hands over Harry’s bare shoulders. “But your food might get cold…”

“Let it.”

Harry dips down for a kiss as soon as Louis’ lips stop moving.

The food got very cold.  
  


Making up for lost time, they spend the entire day dipping in and out of the same game. For a while they read on opposite ends of the couch, though neither book got much attention as schoolboy glances seem to have taken up much of their focus. After an early lunch, they try for a nice calm walk down the street, they don’t make it past the front door as Harry’s attention became caught on Louis’ jeans.

As the day advances, the space between them seems to grow far too great with every breath, so they find themselves being pulled together like magnets, the force too strong for anything to get between the two.

After a much needed nap, they decided it was better to settle down for a while. They cuddled up on the couch, a blanket thrown over their legs, and found a movie to watch. Whatever it was they couldn’t say if you paid them, their attention was drawn to each other’s lips as soon as the opening credits rolled.

Things got so heated at one point that they broke a lamp. It’s fine, it was an ugly lamp Philip had let Louis keep either way. And no one got hurt when it crashed on the floor, their bodies too preoccupied on the couch to care.

[Jonas Brothers - Five More Minutes ](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3ZSsFItP6fQ)

Harry wraps himself around Louis on the couch as the moon shines through the loft leaving a soft hum in the air, both seemingly content on the day’s activities.

“We’re still not telling anyone about this, right?”

“You want to tell our families about every horrendously exquisitely dirty mind-blowing thing we did to each other today?”

“If these walls could talk,”

Louis cheeks rise, they seem to have found a new way to set with Harry. They’ve known each other for ages, but it was only last night that they got to _know_ each other like this. Every hidden pleasure, every whisper of their names, every eye flutter, is locked safely, kept away from anyone else but them. It’s almost haunting Louis thinks. The way two people can get to know each other like this, to know your partner inside and out.

“They’d spill every secret to your body and I don’t plan on sharing that with anyone.”

Harry brushes a finger down Louis’ cheek, _neither do I_.  
  


“I do have to get home you know.”

“ _No_.” Louis pleads dramatically, gripping Harry to his chest. “Don’t go. I don’t want you to go.”

A hand to Louis’ lower back Harry chuckles. “I don’t like it any more than you do.”

“Let’s both just quit our jobs and spend all day locked in this loft together.”

“Tempting, but we have to pay the bills somehow.”

“We’ll make a sex tape and sell it, no big deal.” Louis nods along to the idea excitedly as Harry’s smile melts ever softly.

“We’ll definitely go back to that idea someday, but right now I have to go home. Take a shower.” He punctuates the last thought with his eyebrows.

“Without me?” Louis’ whine carries thought-out the apartment, settling like dust on every surface as he hugs Harry tighter. “How rude.”

“The pouting is adorable, really, but I swear I’ll be back in your arms by tomorrow afternoon.”

“You’ll come back after work?”

“I’ll even pack a bag if you want me to.”

And so, Louis’ hand falls limp on his own thigh as the promise of Harry returning the next day swells within him.

Standing by the front door, not wanting to let go, Harry holds Louis to his chest, heart beating against heart, breathing as one.

“I have to go.”

“Yes. You do.”

Their bodies slit together like perfect puzzle pieces neither move, even after the obvious is stated.

“I’ll be back tomorrow. We can go a few hours without each other, right?”

“Speak for yourself, Curly. You’re my light, you’re my sun, I can’t bear the thought of not waking up to your scent tomorrow…” Dramatic as always he stretches his neck back to meet Harry’s eyes.

“Here.” Harry’s hands drop down to the bottom of his. He slips off the baby blue fabric, ironically as soft as Louis’ eyes at the gesture, and gently tucks it into Louis’ arms. “Put this on the pillow next to you.”

Louis stares down at the scrunched up jumper and laughs. “That’s pretty pathetic, isn’t it?” His thumb runs along the fabric as his eyes peer up at Harry from under his lashes, a movement Harry would kill for ten times over to see.

“Hey if you don’t want it,” He reaches out to take the ahold of the jumper as Louis pulls away from him quick as lightning.

“Don’t you dare.” Louis rises on his tiptoes to peck Harry’s lips. “Go. The faster you leave, the faster you’ll come back to me.”

And so he does. Looking over his shoulder more times than he’d care to admit, Harry walks out to his car and doesn’t return until promised.


	9. Chapter IX:  No need for reasoning when it’s you and me; I’ll hold you tight and listen your heart beat:

Spending every available minute with each other, if not in bed then on the couch tangled together, sitting out on the terrace, fingers unafraid to trail over exposed skin, in the car belting out whatever song the radio graces them with, making kissy faces at each other from across the dining table, or fogging up the library, lazy kisses revving up into becoming their only source of air as the pages in every book begin to fill up with the story of a different kiss, it becomes routine.

Even when they’re not with each other, their thoughts are strong enough to make them believe otherwise. The distant whine of a door or the squeal of a chair might be Harry’s laugh as he tilts his head back, short curls dancing along with the movement, eyes so bright you’d believe he’d stolen the most priceless diamonds. A student’s “Good morning,” might play around the same beat Louis’ did just hours prior, making Harry loath the ticking clock behind him, reminding him every second of every day that Louis, his Louis, is miles away. The only eyes he’s every longed for, the only he’d stop breathing for if they asked, tattooed fresh on his mind for hours until they’re his again. 

Intoxicatingly warm images of hushed laughter and the distant sound of bed sheets pulled over morning kisses being the only sanity making either of their days bearable. 

Harry spends more time at Louis’ apartment than he does his own, so naturally he finds himself leaving things behind here and there, the only thing really regretting ever leaving behind, his strawberry lipped boy.

A few days ago, the thought itching in his mind ever since he bought the loft, Louis emptied out one of his drawers for Harry. He now also has his very own toothbrush sitting right next to Louis’ in the bathroom, a set of keys and complete control over the layout of the library. Harry, being an English lit teacher, thinks himself the better candidate for the task, and honestly, Louis would rather never see another sun rise than to say no to him.

“Louis.” He runs a hand over his cheek, a small smile melting onto his lips as he reaches over in a whisper. “Loueh. Lou, wake up.”

Sunlight gifting the perfect morning light, Harry woke with childlike excitement over what he deems the idea of the century.

“What? What?” Louis’ head jumps up from his pillow as he startles awake. “What, baby, what is it?”

And if Harry’s stomach has a butterfly frenzy every time Louis calls him baby, the world beyond these walls would never need to know. 

“I have an idea.”

“An idea? Harry,” He looks over his shoulder in search for his alarm clock, the early morning sunlight still not fully reaching his end of the room. “It’s 7 in the morning.” He groans out, tired eyes pulled awake by the miracle that is bed-haired Harry.

“Oh, relax. You were going to be up in a few minutes anyway,” He kisses Louis’ temple as he falls back onto the pillow.

“Alright,” He yawns, the covers suddenly being pulled up as he reaches a leg over Harry to pull him closer, his warm body making Louis want to purr. “What is it?”

“A house warming party!”

“A what?”

“A house warming party celebrating your new house! Come on it’ll be fun; we can invite everyone.”

“What are you talking about?”

“We’ll get balloons and streamers and-” he pauses for a moment, mulling over his options. Banners? Nah, too “Going off to uni and breaking his heart”. Karaoke machine? Too risky, he’d end up doing every rendition of every love song ever written and dedicating them to the only person who’s ever truly deserved those songs. Champagne fountain? Too Gatsby. “And a cake!”

“For the loft?”

“Yes.”

“You want to get the loft a cake?” If the man wants to get the apartment a cake, let the man get the apartment a cake, God knows he’d do anything under the sun for his Sun.

The nickname stuck from the moment if fell from his lips that first evening in the apartment. Out on the terrace Louis went on and on about just how much Harry’s smile reminded him of the sun, lighting up any darkness it might be trapped in, so hot and dangerous it’d melt through the toughest of men.

Harry really wasn’t kidding when he said he wanted to throw a party. He went all out. Platters of food spread out on the kitchen island, a cocktail station stocked with plenty of ice ready at a moment’s notice, a perfectly curated playlist baptized as “ _family gatherings are nothing but fun, these songs aren’t meant for our nights alone, hun._ ” playing softly in the background as they set the final touches to the party. He might’ve even considered getting a small disco ball but Louis vetoed the decor in a split second “we’re not running a strip club, Harry.” At which Harry cheekily replied with “Not one where others can see, no.”

The sun having set quite a while ago, Louis holds Harry by the waist as he stands tall on a ladder hanging the last balloons out on the terrace, which threaten to fall down twice before they’re secured in place before Harry clumsily, because how else is he supposed to do anything, climbs down the ladder.

“Careful, baby.”

“Nothing’s gonna happen as long as you hold me, Lou.”

Louis feels like he can finally breathe again once Bambi is down from that infernal death trap some call a ladder. Having landed safely in front of him, Louis takes Harry’s hand and pulls him inside, where there is no danger of falling and breaking his neck, or at least that’s what Louis hopes on a day to day basis but there’s no telling with Harry, over to the back of the couch. 

_Then I’ll just hold you forever._ The words buzz on the tip of his tongue as Harry’s eyes shine with a golden hue Louis’ veins ached for every day back in New York, his eyelashes full of life as they flutter open and close. 

“Do you like the decorations?” They look around at his handy work, every corner of the house bright in all sorts of different colors, the playlist as perfect as can be, nothing too romantic, nothing too telling. “Is it too much?”

Louis catches his lips as he turns his head back towards him, a soft hum of denial escaping him as Louis pulls away. “It’s perfect.” Harry’s eyes still closed, his lips chase forward for more of that kiss, as they often do.

Harry beams at the remark as Louis begins bringing his lips to his jawline and travels down. “I’m glad you like it.” He leans his head back as Louis reaches his neck. Sucking softly on his favorite spot, Harry let’s a small whine rupture the silence from the bottom of his throat. “I’m _really_ glad you like it.”

“Oh god- Louis!” Louis jumps back as Lottie’s voice leaks into the room. Have you ever had this dream where you’re walking through a meadow, not a single other person in sight, the sun shining just right, not too warm, not too cold, there’s a bird’s song you can’t quite recognize but still appreciate as the sound of a faraway stream accompanies it, and all of a suddenly somehow the sky breaks open with a deafening mirror-like shattering? That’s exactly how Louis would describe this very moment. “You’re not a mosquito, leave the poor kid alone.” Harry laughs, puling Louis back towards him, head resting on the space where his neck meets his shoulder, hands wrapped around his middle to make sure he doesn’t have a chance of slipping out. “Be a little subtler next time. Anyone could’ve walked in on you.”

“Lucky it was only you then.”

“Why don’t you just tell people? I’m sure they’d be nothing less than thrilled and-”

“No.” Louis cuts her off midsentence. “Not yet.” The mirror-sky coming down like rain wasn’t enough, now the ground has a crack right down the middle he’s about to fall into.

Harry hugs him tighter to his chest, “It’s alright,” He reassures softly into Louis’ ear. “There’s no rush. It’s alright.” As soon as Harry’s warm breath lands on top of Louis’ skin he falls into Harry’s touch, his worries melting away along with each word, he begins to hear the rushing water again. “I’m here. I’m not going anywhere.”

He gives Louis one more kiss to the temple before hopping off the couch just in time for familiar voices to start coming from outside the front door.

After Harry’s decorating is praised, he might want to gift Louis an entire galaxy but he sure as hell isn’t going to let him take credit for all of his hard work, Louis leads the group on a tour of the house, barely pausing in each room long enough for everyone to poke their heads in and nod along to his voice as his sarcastic whips come out to play as he explains the function of each room. “The kitchen where I read and like to take my midmorning naps.” “The terrace where I shower and sometimes make waffles.” “The front door where I hang my clothes and store my books.” It’d be annoying if it wasn’t cute as hell. 

As the tour heads into the living quarters of the house a startling thought dawns on Harry, his eyes searching widely from the back of the group for Louis’. He’s sure there’s a way to give a reasonable explanation, he’s just not sure there’s enough time.

They step through the two spare rooms, beds made, curtains left open for the natural light to seep in, and their adjoining bathroom, boring and as empty as the explanations they’re about to give, as Harry gently pushes past the guests and manages to reach Louis in the front. He gives Louis a raise of the eyebrows towards the master bathroom, his teeth caught on the inside of his lip as he pleads with the universe that Louis gets the message. 

Louis keeps walking through the house, whatever Harry meant by a raised eyebrow he doesn’t know, this is no time for secret rendezvous or word-less conversations. The universe is a bitch Harry thinks as Louis twists the bathroom door handle and lets the party spill inside. Harry keeps him in place by the elbow, his only thought for the universe being a very long list of curse words.

“Hey-”

“The toothbrush.”

“What?”

“ _My_ toothbrush.” He looks over his shoulder to make sure no one overhears him. “There are _two_ toothbrushes in _your_ bathroom. One standing very close to the other.”

“Oh- Shit.”

“Yeah.”

“Shit.”

“You said that.”

Louis runs a hand through his hair, his eyes wondering over to the door held ajar, voices discussing the size of the shower, “The shower head is set pretty high for someone not that tall,” being the cherry on top of the night’s if-only-they-knew. “Well what do we do?”

“Lovely bathroom, Louis.” They both jump at the sound of Gemma’s voice echoing from the bathroom, the shower door opening and closing a few times in the distance.

They run in as everyone else moves into the master bedroom through the adjoining door. Finding one lonely toothbrush by the sink, and their hearts in their throats, they look at each other, puzzled eyebrows pinched.

“Did you move it?” Louis whispers.

“When would I have had time to move it?”

“You’ve done an amazing job with the house, dear.” Lexi’s motherly tone never seems to leave her, her dark eyes soft and loving. “It feels very _you_.” Harry trails behind Louis as he steps into the bedroom. Tour seeming to have come to an end, they all stand around looking at each other, waiting for the next commanding direction.

“So,” Alex claps his hands once calling for everyone’s attention. “Shall we go back to the living room and-”

“Wait!” Harry bursts out interrupting his father. “Sorry, tour’s not over just yet.”

“It’s not?”

“No, heavens, you haven’t even seen the best part!”

Harry leads them back out into the hallway as they whisper amongst themselves, the excitement in Harry’s voice reminding them of a child’s first time at Disney World.

Lottie holds Louis back as the door to the library is swung open.

“You’re welcome.”

His confused expression drags a chuckle out of her.

“For the toothbrush. I hid it like 20 minutes ago. You two really have to be more careful if you want to keep it a secret.” He smiles at the gesture. “And I’m sorry about before, I know it’s not really my place, it’s just that you seem really happy.”

“I am. Happy I mean.”

“I’ve never seen you smile like you do when you’re around him.”

_There’s never been a real reason to smile when he’s not around._

She nudges his shoulder as Harry strides back out of the room, a pleased look on his face and eyes soft once they land on Louis. Marshmallows would kill to be that soft.

“There. The end.” He bows, a clear signal for the group to clap. “Please, please, hold your applause.” He says with a pop of the hip. “Now back to the kitchen for cake.”

They all follow him as ducklings would their mother, a single file line throughout the apartment.

“You got a cake?”

“It’s not a party unless there’s cake, Z.”

“Louis, you approved of this cake?”

Harry laughs at Zayn’s ridiculous comment. _Approved._ As if Harry would change the cake if Louis didn’t like it. Which he would, he’d bake one from scratch if Louis preferred or rob a bakery need be.

“I don’t even know what flavor it is.” Harry takes a stack of plates from the cupboard and places them next to the large white box on the table as Louis reaches for the utensils, he and Harry moving in sync, as if routine, which it is, they’ve always been sort of domesticated with each other, around the kitchen. “It could very well be the worst cake in the entire city for all I know.” Pity laughs ring around the table as Harry brushes his shoulder against Louis’ chest, reaching for the knife on the other side of Louis, and smiles back at him.

“Such little faith in me, sweetheart?” He whispers into their own little world loud enough so that Louis and only Louis is able to hear, the words lingering in the space between their lips.

If they were alone that dreadful space would disappear in a matter of seconds. But they aren’t alone. So, Harry stays put, his mind dancing with the line between desire and desperation as it often does when thinking of Louis’ lips, and decides to fire back.

“Daniel likes this bakery so I’m sure the cake is fine.”

“Because I’ll like whatever Daniel likes?”

“Some things, yeah, others…” His eyes trail up and down Louis’ frame. “Let’s just say some things,” Apparently the playlist did them no good because the entire family have become ghosts to them, eyes lingering for a beat too long. “Are better your way.”

With an eye roll from Louis, he opens the box, revealing a rectangle sheet cake frosted in chocolate fudge with something Louis can’t quite read pipped on the top in red letters.

“If the sun I shall be,” Meredith reads as she hands Harry plate after plate for the cake to be served on. “Sunflowers I must grace upon.” Her eyes travel down the table. “What does that mean?”

“Nothing.” _Everything._ Harry’s hands move over the chaos at the table with ease, passing everyone a perfectly sliced piece of cake. His fingers brush over Louis’ wrist as he hands him his plate.

  
December moves forward with a cheery hum in the air with Louis taking it into his own hands this time around deciding to surprise Harry with a fully decorated house.

He found the best looking tree he could and hauled it back to the loft, setting it up neatly in the corner between the TV set and the window leading out to the terrace. He figured it’d be too stressful to remember to take down a stocking meant for Harry every time someone else came over, so he gave up on the idea of finding one with a sun on it as soon as the thought made its way into his thoughts. What he did do, however, was buy matching Christmas jumpers. Both dark blue with half of a gold Christmas tree outline detailed on one side, completing each other like a puzzle forming a full tree when joined at the hip. He lined each window in the living room with twinkly lights and fake snow, giving the entire loft a Winter Wonderland feel.

Michael Bublé’s cover of Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas plays from the stereo as Louis throws the last of the pillows onto the couch, penguins in Santa hats skating in an ice rink printed on them.

Louis’ ears pick up the sound of keys hitting the front door and lowers the volume of the music to give Harry a proper greeting.

“What do you think?” His arms spread over his head in a “ta-da!” manner, as Harry takes in the room. His eyes shine against the twinkling lights and holiday music, his head falling to the side as his heart melts, because apparently that’s it’s only available state at the sight of Louis, his eyes wide and cheerful.

“What did you do?” His voice hangs low and sweet like candy as he walks further into the room.

“I raided Santa’s village.” Louis bites his lower lips in wait for an answer to the previous, now pending, question. “The elves were a pain in the ass but I promised to be a good boy and spread lots of extra holiday cheer this year.”

“Did you do all of this for me?” He awes.

“Do you like it?”

Harry pulls Louis in for a hug, his grip tighter than usual as he relaxes into the touch. “I love it.” Louis buries his head in the crook of Harry’s neck as the never ending urge to smile when he’s around his boy grows stronger.

Bublé shifts into Sinatra as ‘It Came Upon a Midnight Clear’ floods the apartment. Harry’s attention’s pulled from the white star a top the tree by a doorbell ring.

“I ordered pizza, you hungry?”

“Always.”

Louis gives him a light kiss before striding towards the door, his head swaying to the beat of the song.

Between the hum of the music and the speed at which he’s talking, Harry can barely understand Louis as he recites his day. Three scheduled surgeries and one emergency C-section successfully performed, he left work early in order to go to the store and get the supplies needed for the Winter Wonderland to be perfect. Which it is, Louis reminds himself as he begins to obsess over the lack of stockings hanging over the fireplace and the missing holiday pictures of the pair.

Harry nods along to the day’s anecdotes, his mind somewhere far from the rambling man in front of him, he tries his hardest to stay present. His gaze wonders from time to time, alerting Louis of the fact that something is definitely going on. He knows Harry, he knows him, he knows he has to wait for Harry to come to him.

 _It’s him. It’s us._ He repeats to himself like a bible verse as Harry’s expression grows dimmer. _He’ll tell me when he’s ready._

Once dinner is over, Louis goes out to throw the box in the recycling bin and Harry retreats to the bedroom, a tight lipped smile forced out at Louis as he ruffled his hair.

 _He’s probably going to get a book._ Louis thinks, his heart becoming less and less at ease. _He’ll tell me when he’s ready. Won’t he?_

When he comes back to a still empty living room he decides it’s best he catches up on the day’s paperwork because, unfortunately, leaving early means taking your work home.

Typing out his last few notes, Louis glances at his watch, hours have passed by like a quiet crackling river and he hasn’t heard a single sound emerge from his bedroom, or anywhere else in the house for that matter. He closes his laptop and pushes it onto the coffee table in front of him, the cold metallic hitting the glass with a slight “clank”.

“Harry?” His voice wavers a bit, his heart beating heavy in his chest.

He’d been hoping Harry would just come out and tell him what it is that’s bothering him or at least give him a hint, but now it seems it’s Louis’ turn to go chasing for an answer.

“Haz?”

[The Heart of Life - John Mayer](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=e2mJpQSkae8)

Floorboards creek in the distance, the sound ripping through the lingering silence between the walls. Harry walks towards Louis slowly, his feet dragging behind him as his head hangs low.

“Baby…” Louis stretches his arms out from the couch, his lips risen in the slightest smile he can muster.

Harry, not hesitating for a single second, climbs onto his lap. Louis’ warmth spreads through him as his shoulders drop, his mind too heavy to fake a smile.

“Sun,” Louis brushes the hair from his face, Harry’s cheeks marked with lines in all different directions, he must’ve been pressed down on the bed. “What’s wrong?”

Harry shakes his head as a knot pulls from the back of his throat. “Don’t.”

“Don’t what? Call you Sun?” He nods slightly as his eyes evade Louis’. “But you’re-”

“I’m sorry I can’t always be the Sun, Lou.” A familiarly sharp feeling pulls at Louis’ heart as he recognizes Harry’s tone, it’s wrong. Like a cold metal palm at the front of Louis’ chest pushing him away ever so slightly. “You can’t expect me to shine all of the time.” Harry’s gaze drops to his palms, his heart hidden somewhere within him as tears start welling at the corner of his eyes.

Louis’ grip around him tightens, his own heart too preoccupied with soothing Harry’s to want to beat for itself. “Hey, hey,” He wipes a tear as it rolls down Harry’s cheek, his own eyes threatening to do the same. “I don’t expect anything from you,” He rests his palm on Harry’s cheek as he wipes at another tear. “It’s me, baby. I’m right here.” He brings Harry’s hands up between his own and presses a small yet overly soothing kiss to them.

Tangling their fingers together, Louis gives Harry something to ground himself with as he allows himself to explain. “I was happy.” Harry nods slowly as another tear falls. “God- I was so happy when I walked through that door… You-” He looks around the living room; a watery smile present on his lips. “You did all of this for me. But I- I don’t know… I feel… Like- like I’m just waiting…?” His eyes land back on Louis’, so lost within themselves and yet so understanding, and blue, oh so blue.

_You’re everything I’ve ever wanted and now that I have you I’m waiting terrified that one day you’ll just slip your hand out of mine and walk away._

Louis holds back from asking every question piling up on his tongue.

“And it’s not you. I’m so, so happy with you, Mon chéri, I am.” Harry’s lips purse as he tries to get his mind to focus on one thing and explain it, because this time it’s Louis who’s waiting for answers and he sure as hell doesn’t plan on leaving him hanging. “I’m an English teacher, I really should be better at expressing myself.” He laughs at himself as Louis eyes deepen into his. “It’s your fault. I blame you for this.” He pokes Louis in the chest and leaves his hand there, atop his heart, feeling every beat it makes. And as Louis sees it, they’re all for him. “You could make me forget my own name if you tried hard enough. It’s like when you walk into a room,” And now he’s rambling, so, naturally, Louis kisses him to shut him up.

“It’s like you’re standing on a dock,” Harry pulls back from the kiss as Louis’ words explain the very feeling he himself wasn’t fully able to identify. “And you’re looking out to sea and somewhere on the horizon there’s a light. A little light that burns all day and all night and you start wondering when it’ll go out. Instead of admiring the beauty of the light and letting yourself enjoy the view, you keep waiting for the light to flicker out and die completely and take everything that comes with it away from you. Forever.”

He nods. “I just… I can’t explain it myself.”

“It’s alright, love. You don’t have to.”

“No, but I feel like I do.”

“Trust me.” He kisses the top of Harry’s hand as he brings it up to his chest. “You don’t. I get it.”

“Really?”

“Really, H. I have days like that too. Everyone does I suppose. It’s alright.” Harry’s eyes dip in and out of sadness as they glow shiny and wet.

“You’re still my Sun,” Louis stroke his temple as Harry leans into the touch. “A few clouds don’t change that.”

Harry wraps his arms around Louis and snuggles deeper into him.

“Just promise me one thing?”

“Anything.”

“Don’t hide from me if you get like this.”

“No more hiding.” Safe and warm in Louis’ arms, he lets a few more tears roll down, whether tears from the safety he feels being here in Louis’ arms or desperation from not knowing what to do, he doesn’t know. “I promise.”

As Christmas slowly creeps up on them, they get to spend less and less time together. Winter break inching closer, Harry spends most of his time preparing his las few classes and assignments for the holidays. He doesn’t love giving his students homework during their break, but he needs to get them ready for finals when they return. He’s been working nonstop for days on ways to better communicate the material to those harder to reach students, his mind working on overdrive day in and day out, he usually collapses right next to Louis as soon as he gets home.

Louis’ work load has actually decreased with the holidays and now he spends much of his free time with his family, making up for missed times.

The calendar marking 21 December, they drive up town, in separate cars, to Gemma and Chris’ for yet another holiday party. Apparently everyone they know is eager to host one these days.

Louis walks into Gemma and Chris’ living room to find Harry lying flat out on his back playing with Roxie. She jumps over him chasing the ball in his hand, left, right, left, right, until he throws it into the next room, yelling “heads up!” as Roxie runs after the bright pink ball.

“Do you have to roll around on the ground with the dog?” Louis laughs as he hears Roxie bark in the other room. “Your clothes are going to get dirty,” _Sun._ The last part missing from the sentence, Harry looks up at him, dog hair littered across his chest, his own curls all over the place. 

“Oh relax, Louis.” Liam’s chipper tone spiked with holiday cheer booms through the living room as he rises from the couch. “It’s not like you’re going to have to wash it.” _Right… Totally._ “You’re late, by the way.”

“Darn. I’m late for the Liam-had-a-little-bit-too-much-eggnog-so-now-he’s-being-a-smartass party? What a shame.”

“I’m just saying-”

Gemma takes Liam by the arm. “I think it’s time for dinner, don’t you think?” Her sweet tone rising over his as she walks him to the dining room. “And maybe no more wine for you.”

Harry dusts himself off as he wraps an arm around Louis, the room now empty except for them. “Like this is the dirtiest you’ve seen me.” He kisses the top of his head as Louis tries and fails to push Harry’s arm off of his shoulder.

“Watch it, Styles.”

Once he’s finally able to get himself out of Harry’s grasp he walks forward into the living room, swinging his hips ever so delicately.

“Oh, yeah,” Harry laughs under his breath. “You just _had_ to wear those jeans.”

Louis’ smirk stands wide and proud as he pretends to ignore the comment from across the room.

It’s a lovely holiday meal, just like at every other holiday party they’ve been to these past few days. It’s all the same old stories, the same mind-numbing songs replayed as different artists take their turn at them, the dinner tastes the same, the cookies are the same, the eggnog, the carols, the smiles, the cheers, everything. Even the decorations and, _oh_ , the decorations.

No diversity has been put into the family’s decorating. Not that he’s bothered by the lack of effort from everyone else’s side, not at all, but Louis made a whole Winter Wonderland for heaven’s sake. He just thinks that the “traditional” decorations are outdated and in need of some change and everyone should’ve thought a little more creatively, that’s all.

The trees all have the same few ornaments hanging from them (Angels, Santa’s, reindeers, snowmen, little baby Jesus’, etc.), though Chris and Gemma have opted on having the mistletoe hang on the living room door frame instead of the front door, which no one really pays any attention to either way. He’d thought of getting one himself but seeing as he and Harry might never leave the apartment if he put it on the door, he decided it was better not to buy one.

On the other hand, Louis, and well, Harry, have a theme and everything. Really, any more fake snow and it could just as well be Narnia. Their tree has cute little holiday stuffed animals, fake snow, plastic gift boxes and bright white and gold balls carelessly hung on a few branches. There’s tinsel everywhere, holiday candles spread throughout every room, cheery holiday music on all of the time, gingerbread cookies in every jar in the kitchen-

It’s Christmas on crack. And Louis might be extremely proud of it.

After dinner they all retreat back into the living room where Zayn and Liam grace them with their delightful skills in their version of ‘Let It Snow’. As Zayn’s notes bounce around the room making dinner-heavy faces melt into cheery Christmas smiles, Louis finds Harry’s eyes transfixed on him from the other side of the room. Louis looks up at him from the couch, his lips parted as the softest smile escapes them.

Harry finally breaks away from Louis’ prison of a gaze when Ziam, as the party’s always gotten used to calling them when they duet, call him over. Everyone’s attention turns to him as they wait to hear his rendition of ‘I’ll Be Home for Christmas’.

As it usually goes, everyone gets a turn at a song, Louis passing the opportunity as he does without fail every year. He’s never been much of a performer; he doesn’t like to be in the spotlight, as he puts it. Harry’s always encouraged him to sing more in front of others, him being one of the few people that has gotten to hear Louis’ angelic voice sweetly against his ears in song. But, nevertheless, Louis refuses to give into the holiday pressure and gives Lottie and Maya the floor to sing ‘Last Christmas’.

Harry’s lips pull down in a frown as he rises from the piano stool and sits next to Louis.

“You were lovely.” Louis bumps his knee against Harry’s as his eyes stay locked on his sister singing her heart out. “Always are.”

He bumps his knee back against his. “It could’ve been me and you up there, you know.” Louis’ scoff goes unheard by the rest of the party as Maya reaches a high note and everyone awes in applause.

“Are you working the night before Christmas eve?”

“I’m not one of Santa’s elves if that’s what you’re getting at. I’m not that small, H.”

“Your birthday. Are you working the night before your birthday?”

“No, Sun,” Louis sits forward, his elbow on his knees as he looks back at Harry. “I’m not.” Harry’s dimpled smile makes Louis want to take him to the stars. The sun where it should be, held so high in the sky no one else able to reach it except him. “Why?”

“You’ll see.”

“I’ll see?”

“Oh yes. You’ll see.”

Once the piano has gotten its use for the year and the last Christmas song has been butchered, everyone starts putting their coats on. Gemma stands by the door, her eyes going wide as an idea rushes to her head, the expression so similar to one Harry makes it’s so obviously a Styles’ thing.

“Picture!”

“What?”

“I’ll be right back. No one move.”

Everyone moans and groans, giving a million reasons opposing the idea of yet another holiday picture.

“Hey!” She calls out over the noise, camera already in hand. “This is my first Christmas as a married woman, so we’re going to take this picture, we are going to smile and then we are going to say ‘Goodnight, everyone. See you in a couple of days to do this all over again’, got it?”

The party hums and sighs in agreement as they begin removing their coats and moving into the living room, the shuffle of dragging feet filling the air.

“Sweetie,” Chris calls. “There’s no space for everyone by the fireplace.”

“Then,” She looks up from the camera as she sets its timer. “We’ll just take it on the other side, no big deal.” She waves them all over to the opposite side of the room as she sets up the camera and backs away from it.

“30 seconds!”

Bodies start shifting into position, Harry and Louis standing in the middle with Gemma and Chris to one side and Zayn and Gigi on the other, Lottie and Roxie by their feet.

“Hey look,” Blake points up towards the door frame they’re all under. “Mistletoe!”

The camera starts ticking as Gemma’s voice rises over Blake’s, “That’s the timer!” It goes off with a slight tick as a flash of light fills the room.

The sound dies down, everyone’s laughter ringing above it, as Zayn removes his lips from Harry’s.

Louis stands frozen at the sight, fists clenched at the sides, tight lipped smile never wavering as his insides turn.

Zayn clasps a hand on Harry’s shoulder as he returns from his stunned look. “Merry Christmas, Sugar Lips.”  
  


Now parked outside his loft, Louis doesn’t really know how he got home. His last clear memory was the sight of his boyfriend’s lips being claimed by another man. Zayn no less. He’s what Louis guesses a blueprint for Olympian gods might’ve looked like. The moment the word “mistletoe” found its way into Louis’ mind, his blood rose higher than Everest. A chilling high beep remaining at the back of his every thought since the camera flash went off and he heard the amused laughter from his family.

And he shouldn’t be jealous, he knows that. Even if the family knew about them, Zayn hadn’t done it with bad intentions. It’s Christmas. Everyone kisses everyone under mistletoe on Christmas. Maybe he should kiss someone else and see how Harry would like that. No. That’s childish. Its- No. He shouldn’t. Unless…. Nope, no, he won’t.

And so, he shakes the cold grasp of jealousy from his thoughts as he climbs out if his car in search of those same Zayn-kissing lips, only this time they’re all his. 

He strolls into his bedroom, head held high, to find it empty, the faint sound of running water coming from the bathroom.

“Sun?”

“’M in the shower.” Harry’s voice hums beneath the steady rush of water.

Louis’ lip quirks up in a smirk as he walks over to the bathroom door and opens it with a slight push.

“Want me to join you?”

Harry crackles from the other side of the glass. “If only you’d gotten here sooner…” He sighs dramatically. “I’ll be out in a second.”

“That’s too bad. I bet we could’ve had some fun…”

Harry steps out of the shower with a towel tightly wrapped around his hips, water dripping onto the nape of his neck. “You’re a naughty, naughty boy, Dr. Tomlinson.” He leans over and pecks Louis’ lips, giving them a small bite before walking past him towards the bedroom.

“Takes one to know one,” Louis jumps on the bed, his back pressed down on the mattress. “ _Sugar Lips_.”

Harry drops the shirt he was about to put on back into his drawer, turning on his heels with an amused smile hitched on his lips. “Excuse me?”

“What?”

“What was that?”

Louis turns his head towards Harry, his grin rising higher as he spots the jealousy in Louis’s eyes. “What was what?”

“Sugar lips?”

“I’m sorry, I thought that was your name.”

“Lou…”

“No, no. Correct me if I am wrong, but as I remember it, that’s what-”

“It was mistletoe.”

“It was a kiss.”

“ _Under mistletoe_ …”

He knows how jealous Louis can get over the slightest thing. Back in the day, if Harry sat with someone else in the cafeteria, Louis would glare at him the entire time, setting a silent treatment so cold on their entire way home they practically shivered. It was no fun for either party so it happened on the rarest occasion Harry absolutely had to finish a project or something during lunch.

Harry was no better. Every time Louis came in with a new guy on his arm, he ended up nearly chewing his own lip off, the sight of someone else touching, or even breathing that close to Louis made him sick.

But alas, here they find themselves, Harry teasing Louis’ jealous bone, over a mistletoe kiss. 

“Sweetheart,” He crawls onto the bed, draping himself over Louis. “There’s nothing to be jealous over.”

“I know. I know it’s irrational.” He runs a finger down Harry’s spine. “I just-”

“I’m all yours.” He whispers as he reaches down to steal a kiss. “Now, about your birthday…”

“H, I’ve already told you we don’t have to do anything. I’m happy just being here in bed with you.” He arches his neck up to leave a trail of kisses from Harry’s neck to the tip of his nose. “More than happy.”

“We can do that too.”

“Too?”

“I have a little something planned.”

“Yes,” He sighs, rubbing a hand on Harry’s back, still damp from the shower. “You mentioned the night _before_ my birthday?”

“Yes, I did. But you don’t worry your pretty little head about that. Just promise me you’re not on-call that night or that you won’t run off in another emergency.”

“I promise.”

“Now…” Harry nods as his hair leaves cold water droplets on Louis’ cheeks. “You mentioned having fun?”

Having gone to sleep at his own house for the first time in a while, Harry tossed and turn all night, missing the warmth of another body next to him. He woke up to the sound of his horrid alarm instead of sweet kisses from Louis and a cup of coffee or tea, whatever Louis had made, waiting for him in the kitchen. On the weekends waking up to the smell of scones.

The loft is too big and spacious and Louis just frankly doesn’t have the time, or the will, to clean it, so he decided to hire help. Grazie came highly recommended by his neighbors and honestly she’s one of the loveliest people Harry has met. She arrives at seven am sharp every Saturday and makes them breakfast, pastries being her specialty. Eating them, being theirs.

Today however, Harry rips the covers off reluctantly as sunlight beams through his window, arms aching to wrap themselves around Louis in the morning light. He showers and grabs a bite of toast before running out the door, already late for his first class. The rest of the day moves in slow-motion as his mind keeps wanting to fast forward the entire boring Louis-less day and get to what he has planned.

He drums his fingers against the table as his student’s complete their last assignments, his eyes on the ticking clock mocking him.

_Tick-Tock it’s barely 12 o’clock._

_Tick-Tock goes the no Louis clock._

After the bell finally rings and his students file out of the room, all wishing him happy holidays and a happy new year, he rushes to the store to get the last few items for his perfect evening.  
  


He pulls up in front of the hospital, removing the daffodils from the passenger’s seat as Louis climbs in.

“Are those for me?”

“Hi.” Harry leans over quickly and gives him a kiss. “Indeed they are.”

“They’re gorgeous.”

“And so are you, Mon chéri.”  
  


“Where are you taking me?” Louis questions as Harry pulls onto the highway.

“Just relax and enjoy the ride.” He reaches down and turns on the radio. They both laugh as Hey There Delilah plays, it being their driving song back in the day. So many long nights spent listening to that same song as their hearts whispered the words their lips refused to.

After driving for a little while, Harry parks in an empty parking lot overlooking a small beach. Not a soul in sight, just them and the sea. 

“It’s… Perfect.” Louis unbuckles his seat belt and pushes his lips against Harry’s, his finger tangled within his curls.

“How can it be perfect when I haven’t done anything yet?”

Once they’ve settled onto a blanket and have spread out the picnic, Louis can’t help but beam at the man in front of him. After all of this time, all of the fights and long dreadful silences he still remembers their spot.

“Like I said,” He takes Harry’s hand in his own, kissing it once before putting it back down. “Perfect.”

They eat in silence as the sun sets in the horizon, the sound of waves crashing near them being the perfect melody for their evening. The picnic ends with a lovely piece of cake Harry had bought from the supermarket earlier in the day, yellow frosting spelling “Happy B-Day!” on the top.

Harry sings Happy Birthday as Louis grins and giggles at the stupidity of celebrating his birthday a day before (seeing as they’d be with the family tomorrow and wouldn’t get time for themselves, Harry decided it was best to steal him away back to their own little world for a private celebration). Harry pops a bottle of champagne as Louis blows out the candle; his wish having come true long ago, he smiles at himself.

“I got you a present. Close your eyes!”

Harry reaches into the picnic basket as he peers back at Louis. Making sure his eyes are shut, he digs around looking for the package and Louis laughs in wait.

“You didn’t have to get me anything. You’re more than enough of a gift for me, Haz.”

“Oh shut it. It’s bad enough I couldn’t get you a present for Christmas with secret Santa and all.”

Secret Santa, yet _another_ family tradition. They all get together on Christmas eve to have dinner and exchange presents. For as long as they can remember, Alex dresses up as Santa and passes out presents from a sack. Each addressed to a different person, it’s forbidden to disclose from whom the presents come from. It’s silly but it’s their tradition and they’ll be damned if they break it. Even when Louis lived back in New York and couldn’t make it back home, they mailed the presents.

He places a small gift bag in front of Louis. “Okay, open them.”

Louis does instantly, his eyes focused on Harry’s smile until he looks down next to his lap. “What’s this?”

“Open it and see.”

Louis shakes his head as he opens the bag carefully, the tissue paper sticking out of it and dancing against the wind. “Harry…”

He pulls out a picture frame. The sound of a large wave crashing against the shore mixes with the sound of his heartbeat drumming in his ears as he runs a finger along a golden frame surrounding a selfie Louis took of them some mornings ago. Because that’s a thing Louis does now. He takes pictures of Harry everywhere, anywhere, at any time, doing anything at all.

Harry’s face full of whipped cream, as Louis had just proven his point of Harry looking absolutely gorgeous even if he were covered in whipped cream, stares back at him mid-laugh. The picture’s a bit blurry seeing as Louis pulled his phone out as quickly as he could while licking the sugary topping off of his boyfriend’s nose. He wanted to freeze the moment in time and be able to go back to it whenever he could, that being one of his favorite mornings with Harry.

“That’s our first selfie as a couple. I think. That’s the first one I remember so it must be, right?”

Louis’ eyes shine wetly as he pushes himself onto Harry, making him fall back on the blanket.

The alcohol takes a hold of his thoughts as he gets the overwhelming urge to spill everything onto Harry as he holds him tight right here in their spot. He can feel the champagne coursing through his veins, powering his every move. He urges himself to think clearly for a moment, to think before speaking, to hold back even if his heart begs him otherwise. “Thank you.” He kisses Harry deeply, holding his arms back onto the sand.  


“Let’s go to Paris.”

Drunken thoughts become drunken suggestions as they roll around on the blanket.

“Paris is overrated.”

“Then let’s go to Milan, Florence, Jamaica, The Bahamas, Mykonos, anywhere, Harry. Let’s just _go_ …”

“Okay, no more champagne for you.”

“It’s not the alcohol, Harold.” He looks beyond Harry towards the shoreline for a bit as he thinks back to how much he’s really had to drink. “Okay maybe it is- But that doesn’t mean it’s not a good idea.”

“We have jobs.”

“Again, sex tape.”

“You’re really sticking by that, aren’t you?”

“Yep.” He pops the P as his finger burry deep in Harry’s hair.

Harry drapes an arm around him as he yaws, the cold salty breeze fighting against them.

“I just want you to be happy,”

“I’m happy right here with you.” Louis smiles into his neck, his thoughts still on him and Harry lying on a sunny beach somewhere in Europe. Far, far away from everything they know.

“Hey,” Harry cheers as his eyes glance down towards his watch. “It’s midnight. Happy official birthday.”

“ _Yay_!” Louis cheers weekly as the alcohol starts weighing on his eyes, his thoughts running away from him before he has time to catch them. “Now you can stop being my wish…”

The words dance on top of grains of sand, down through waves, up high in the cliffs and burry themselves deep in Harry’s heart as the rest of the world falls quiet. 

[First Day Of My Life](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nL-uzN_NEvA&list=WL&index=12)


	10. Chapter X: If my name were to slip off a ledge onto your lips the sound would be enough to cure my vertigo:

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Vertigo, for those who may not know, is a sensation of feeling off balance. If you have these dizzy spells, you might feel like you are spinning or that the world around you is spinning.

Dinner ends with a loudly obnoxious rendition of Happy Birthday by the entire family, Louis’ face hidden in Harry’s shoulder the entire time. He’s never been a fan of being the main focus of attention and his birthday is no different.

Alex excuses himself form the table once dessert is announced, in his eyes, he must still maintain the Santa charade, even if everyone has been old enough to know the truth for _years_. It makes him happy and honestly it’s pretty delightful to watch, so they’ve decided that there’s no real harm in letting him dress up and pass presents around.

Lottie sulks in the corner as she checks her phone for the umpteenth time since dinner started, Charlie’s at his cousin’s cabin in the woods for the next three days and she thinks she die of a broken heart, because that can actually happen, she googled it. They’ve done their very best to cheer her up, but it’s no use, her mind is too lovesick to see reason. He’ll be back in a few days, which for her means he’s gone off to war and is most likely not to come back.

The fireplace crackles in the background as Alex’s “Ho, ho, ho!” booms through the living room. He comes in dressed to the nines, with shiny black boots and a great Santa hat, he greats them, a few pillows may or may not be stuffed under his suit.

“Well, I don’t think I have to keep repeating myself every year, but you should be well aware of the fact that if you’ve been naughty you won’t be receiving any presents tonight.”

The walls vibrate in cheery laughter at the same old recycled joke, only this year Louis’ eyebrows quirk up towards Harry, his cheeks hidden by a pillow, he blushes. Louis’ heart has never been more endeared than at this very moment. His boy blushing for him.

Alex reaches into the sack and pulls out a long thin purple box, “Maya!” He calls out handing it to her.

More and more gifts are pulled out of the bag as they all thank the room for whoever bought them theirs. 

“Son, this one’s for you.” Alex says indubitably, leaning over the table in Harry’s direction.

He eyes the box carefully as he takes sit from his father’s grasp, the black velvet soft at his touch. A black and gold watch shines back at him as he opens the box, the second hand ticking quietly through him as he reaches down for it.

“Wow,” He runs his hand over the shiny gold edge as it sparkles the same hue his eyes do at the sight. He looks around the room speechless, lips hitched in a smile. “Who-”

Alex’s voice bangs against his words before the question is even out.

“You can’t reveal whom gifted what, that’s the entire point of this!”

“Fine, fine, I won’t ask.” His glace examines the room with caution, no sign telling enough from anyone he only smiles down at the watch.

“You like it?” Louis asks once Harry’s dimple is less present.

“Like it? I love it, are you kidding? Look at it!” He takes the gift out of the box, carefully putting it on his wrist. Beaming brighter than the Sirius A, the brightest star in Earth’s night sky, he seeks out for questioning blue eyes.

“I could kiss you if you’d let me.”

“Kiss me? What for?”

“For the watch.”

“You’re not supposed to know it’s from me!” He whisper-shouts towards Harry who’s laugh in response is nothing short of adorable.

“Well, I know you well enough to know that that smile,” he says as he pokes Louis’ cheek. “Means you’re up to something.” His eyes shine as he squeezes Louis’ knee. “Thank you. Even though your birth is, and always will be, my favorite Christmas present.”

He laughs. “Merry Christmas, Sun.”

“Merry Christmas. And…” He reclines against the couch, carefully draping an arm around Louis. “I’ll thank you properly later…”

“It’s a date.”

[KISSIN’ IN THE COLD – JULIA MICHALES AND JP SAXE](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cA8mJVQyh-Q)

After Christmas, time seems to slow down like Syrup, New Year’s eve seeming ages away when in reality it’s crept up onto them this morning. December frosted winds creep in through the living room window as Harry’s leg reaches over Louis’ hip and pulls him closer, bodies safe and warm on each other on the couch.

“Can I ask you a question?”

“You do love to interrupt my kissing for your questions…”

“I’m serious.”

“As opposed to me?”

“Louis.”

“You can ask me anything, Haz.”

Harry sits up, legs crossed on the couch.

“Are you ashamed of us?”

“What!?”

“Are you ashamed to be dating me?”

“No, of course not! What’re you-”

“I’d just like to know if at some point in the future we’ll be able to be _seen_ in public.”

“Harry-”

“Because if you’re not ashamed of me-”

“I’m not!”

“Then what is it? We came out to the family together for fuck’s sake,”

“It’s not that and you know it.”

“I don’t know anything. We haven’t really _discussed_ the whole no-one-can-know-about-us decision. I’ve gone along with it because you asked me to, because it’s you. But now I’m asking you for something. For a sign I won’t have to wait forever.”

“It won’t be forever.”

“What are you so afraid of?”

“I-” He breathes in sharply as he crawls to the other end of the couch and takes Harry’s hands in his. “I don’t want to lose _you_.” The words melt into Harry like butter on toast, leaving traces behind on his skin marking him like a bloodstain “You know how they’ll all get when we tell them. They’ll want to know everything. They’ll- they’ll start asking questions and making decisions and plans and they’ll always be in our business, I don’t want that. I don’t want them to know what goes on in this little world of ours. I love it being just you and me. Once we tell them- It won’t be the same.”

“Do you honestly believe that?”

“As much as I’d rather it to be any other way.” His smile fades as Louis tucks a curl behind his ear. “Can we just wait a little longer?” Bottom lip between his teeth, his words caught in the air in-between them, he whispers. “Please?”

Harry’s eyes soften as the plead burrows into his memory, the sight too heartbreakingly wonderful for his thoughts to go against it. “Of course we can.” He smiles back as he presses his head forwards into Louis’. “Not forever, right?”

“Not forever.”

“So what do you want to do about tonight?”

Louis’ eyebrows clench together. “Pretend that things will actually change because the numbers on a calendar change slightly?”

Harry’s high-pitched laugh strips all questions from their lungs and manages to dig up a chuckle from Louis. “No. The party. You know, people are supposed to _kiss_ when the ball drops. At midnight. Does any of this ring any bells?”

 _Oh. Right._ “We’ll just slip out into the hallway or something. I promise to make it worth your time.”

Harry ponders it for a moment, imagining every possible hallway they could sneak into. “Don’t we have to kiss _at_ _midnight_?”

“Who says we have to?”

“Society?”

“Fuck society.” _Great now I have to change my name to Victoria Society? Honestly this might be too much paper work._ “We can do things on our own terms.” He brushes another curl behind Harry’s ear as his neck calls to Louis. “Whatever we want, baby.”

“We have to,” He breathes out as Louis teeth claim skin. “Lou, we...” His eyes flutter closed as Louis pulls him onto his lap, a hand gracing his thigh, another at the base of his neck. “We have to get dressed. We have to get to… To...”

“Less dressing more undressing.”

“They’ll notice if you leave a mark.”

“Good,” His lips trail up to Harry’s earlobe. “Everyone should know you’re taken.” _Everyone should know you’re mine._

“okay, but if anyone asks, you’ll be the one responsible for explaining it.”

“Fine,” He whines out. “I’ll stop.” His mind screams a prayer as his hands move back from Harry’s waist.

“Oh, I didn’t mean stop altogether.” Louis smiles into Harry’s neck as they sink deeper into the couch.

And so, they’re late.

Harry strides into the party wearing the goofiest New Year’s glasses Louis could find at the store and neatly hidden over fabric, love bites and bruises reside at the dip of his hip and other less visible places. Louis may or may not have one or two bruises strategically hidden away as well.

They make their way around the party exchanging pleasantries as Louis follows Harry through the crowd, his hand longing to reach out. Would anyone notice if he did? Would they care? Would it matter? They’re friends, it wouldn’t be too weird of a sight, would it? His hand upon Harry’s waist wouldn’t be a big deal, would it?

He keeps his fingers tapping lightly against his own thigh. 

As the night drags on more and more drinks and food gets passed around, Louis having lost Harry to a group of his old Uni friends not long after they’d arrived, he sits and longs for the clocks to move. For this night to be over so he can take Harry home. Yearning for green, and a few drinks in, he sits on the edge of a large white leather couch in the middle of the living room, his finger tracing the railing of his glass as Zayn, Gigi and one of her friends, Finn from what Louis gathers, slosh drinks back and forth, not a single drop hitting anywhere but their lips. They seem to have stricken up a conversation about some artist or other Louis has frankly never heard of and is sure will never want to hear of again after tonight. His mood switches gradually as the drinks leave him in whispers, glass after glass bringing back spirits who never seem willing to stay for long. Woman laugh, men cheer, glasses clink, things are dropped, lights turn on and off as the music rises and falls, his companions making him lonelier with every breath.

His brain reacts to it before his eyes have a chance to. Warmth pooling in his chest as he sets the drink down he smiles to himself. His ears listen intently for the sweet sound he still craves for decades later, but it doesn’t come a second time. Harry’s laughter dying down, his eyes settling diligently on heavenly deep blue, his never ceasing smile breaking the room in two, the balmy look in his eyes distinguishable from across the room, it wraps around Louis like a blanket. 

Soon enough, they’re back to old tricks, stealing private glances while the other isn’t paying attention, a certain tilt of the head or flutter of the eyes made specifically for the other to admire, the air between them far too thick. It’s the same game they’ve always played, only this time both players are well aware of what it’d mean to lose.

The cyan illusion shatters, green drifting away from blue as Louis’ attention gets dragged back to the couch in a flashing instant, a “What do you think, Tomlinson?” reaching his ears as Finn’s hand settles on his knee. Glacial and astray, it lingers.

He glances down for a beat before returning the question with a “Huh?”

“Who do you think is right here?” _Hand._ “Me or Gigi?” _Move or it gets chopped off_.

“Um…” There isn’t a single reason for him to need to look up to know what the scenery is on the other side of the suddenly suffocating room. “I-” And yet, his eyes make the trip all the way there. Jaw clenched, breath steady, choleric eyes doing everything in their power to pull their attention back his group. Truthfully, he doesn’t even remember what it is they are discussing. The last thing he seems to remember is Atticus’ story about his daughter, his mind rather fixated on not looking back into the center of the room. “I wasn’t really listening but I’m going to go with G just to be safe.”

“Good call.”

The unapologetic poison some call time ticks closer to midnight; music spilling onto the hardwood floor, champagne bottles rolling like candy, fallen victors pulling back their aces, dices locked away, judges calling the game quits once a player’s lips forgot to glisten, once his head let go of its tilt, once the curtain dropped, once Harry looked away.

“So, Tomlinson,” Finn’s voice, harsh and foreign, makes Louis ache. “You dating anyone?”

Louis’ brain short-circuits. Whiplashing silently as it gets thrown against every wall in his mind. “It’s-” His deafening silence settling, Zayn turns to him, a single eyebrow raised. “It’s complicated?”

“You’re dating?” He sets his drink down next to the bottle on the table and rubs his hands together as Gigi raises an eyebrow at Louis, the atmosphere on this side of the room bleak and dreary Louis’ every atom calls out for the torrid warmth of curls oh so far from touch.

“I said, it’s complicated, Z.”

“But you _are_ dating someone?”

Is he dating someone? Is he happier than he ever imagined he could be? Is said person his shining light when everything else is dark and stormy, even if clouds set upon him? Is the terrifying thought of loss stronger than wanting to show that person his feelings in front of the entire world? Is that the only person he’ll ever want? Is that person across the room? Was the fall of his smile worse than a dagger through Louis’ heart?

“Yes.”

“Why haven’t you told me?” Zayn’s tone wavers between intrigue and hurt, Louis can’t decide which is worse.

“It’s _complicated._ ”

Finn throws an arm around the back of the couch and over Louis’ shoulder, “Is he not out yet?”, his hand resting a whisper away from Louis’ bicep. He cranes his head to the side to meet Finn’s inquiring hazel eyes, curiosity beaming out of them as he leans closer. “Is that why it’s complicated?”

“No,” Louis shakes his head as he stands, his heart feeling too far from the other end of the room as he supplicates to find the right color. Hazel’s wrong, it’s all wrong. “That’s not why. Now if you’ll excuse me-”

He swims through the crowded living room as his brain replays the image of Harry’s clenched jaw, his own voice repeating _it’s complicated, it’s complicated, I made it complicated, it shouldn’t have to be complicated, over and over like a scratched record in his brain_. His heart thumps against his chest in its Harry-beat once he spots him. _It’s not complicated, not really. It’s really simple, what I feel for him, it’s simple._ It feels different, he’s realized. His heart moves to a different beat when he’s around Harry, or even just thinking of him _._ As a doctor with an MD he knows that’s not possible, it seems that all of his reasonable judgement goes out the window whenever Harry’s a factor. _It’s the simplest and most intricately confusing thing I’ve ever felt._

He hands find harbor in Harry’s waist as he brings warm lips to his ear.

“What will it take for you to follow me?”

Harry excuses himself from the conversation and spins around to face Louis, his features seeming at war with each other as he fights back a smile at the feel of Louis’ touch.

He leads Harry through the apartment and down into the kitchen, its invitingly warm yellow walls contrasting against the storm in Harry’s eyes. “Tell me you aren’t jealous.”

“No, no. Why would I be jealous of someone making a pass at my single friend?” He hops onto the counter as Louis stands a few paces away from him, his eyes running over every detail of Harry’s glare. “It’s not like you’re taken, is it?”

“Haz-”

“No, no, really. It’s New Year’s Eve and you, my very single friend, should enjoy yourself. Kiss every model at this party if you like, I’m not one to judge.”

“Babe-”

“Why would I be jealous of a guy making a move on you at a party where I can’t even hold your hand? No, jealousy isn’t the word,”

 **  
**[WE BELONG- DOVE CAMERON](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QiTB23vBuXY)

Louis closes the space between them as he crashes into Harry’s lips, his own seeking desperately for Harry’s heart. After a mere second of a breathlessness Harry pulls back, Louis’ hands searching for the dip of his hips to bring him back into the kiss.

“You can’t just kiss me and make everything else disappear.”

“You don’t know that I can’t.” His voice sweet and tender whilst his eyes spell all kinds of trouble, Louis’ teeth drags along Harry’s jawline sending a shiver through him.

“You’re no one else’s,” Harry stays put as Louis begins on his neck, this time making sure to leave a mark, this time not caring if he has to explain it to the Queen herself. “It’s sounds possessive or selfish or whatever,” He wraps a leg around Louis, pulling him closer as his hands explore the small of Harry’s back. “I don’t care,” He breathes out desperately as Louis moves down towards his collarbone, the spot previously bruised “mine” in wine red welcoming Louis as if he’d never left. “Not Philip, not some random friend of a friend,” Harry rolls his head back and shuts his eyes tight as Louis’ tongue graces over skin still tender from earlier. “Certainly not Dean,”

Louis shoots away from Harry as a winded “What?” escapes him.

Harry opens his eyes slowly to meet an amused twinkle hidden beneath layers of glassy deep cerulean shinning back at him.

“ _Dean_?” Harry blinks not knowing how else to respond. Louis laughs wholeheartedly at Harry’s Bambi eyes as he cups his face. “My Sun, my light, Dean’s straight.” A wave of calm, Harry thinks, washes over him as he tries and fails to hide a smile. “Did you think- No, no, Jesus. There was nothing going on between me and Dean.” Harry bites his bottom lip as Louis moves back in-between his legs. “It’s just you and me.” He runs a finger down the side of Harry’s face, his heart thumping to the beat of a thousand drums, _it’s always been just you and me_ , he can’t believe how breathtaking the man before him is. His man. His Harry. _It’ll always be just you and me._ He breathes in his scent and commits every detail to memory, not that he hasn’t done it a million times before, he has, it’s just that tonight, tonight he shines with a color Louis never thought would be meant for him. Jealousy. Harry wants him all to himself and Louis wouldn’t imagine it any other way. “No one else.”

The clouds part from Harry’s mind as he pulls Louis tight, arms draped around his neck, legs swinging to wrap around his waist. “Good.”

The kiss slows down, the air around them travelling too fast as strawberry pink lips meld into one, dissolving the sound of the party as they find solace in the emptiness of the room. They pull back from each other as the door swings open, Gigi considering the lack of space between them carefully for a second.

“30 Seconds to midnight, boys!” She cheers and walks back into the party.

Louis laughs as he stows himself away in Harry’s chest. “Oh God…”

“What do we- What- What do we do now?”

“What’s there to do, Harry?” He can barely hold himself together long enough to speak.

“Why are you laughing!?”

“Because it’s funny!”

“You’re drunk.”

Louis bats his eyelashes as he leans back into Harry, “Drunk on you…”

“And cheesy.”

“I thought you liked cheesy?”

“You do realize she saw us, right?”

“I do.”

“So?”

“So, I’m not one of the guys in Men In Black, I can’t erase her memory with a Neuralyzer or whatever the hell that thing is called.”

“You’re a dork.”

“Your dork.”

“I hate you.” He shakes his head in a laugh.

“Eh, I can live with it as long as you let me kiss you in the next 5 seconds.”

“Why 5 seconds?”

Champagne bottles pop off, partly poppers crash, screams and cheers rumble through the kitchen as the clock strikes midnight and just as promised Louis kisses Harry into the new year.

“Well, Dr. Tomlinson, it’s a new year.”

“It appears to be so, professor Styles.”

“Still you?”

“Still me.” Harry hops down from the counter and walks hand in hand with Louis towards the door.

“I think we’ll be fine.”

“And why is that?”

“A feeling.”

“A feeling?”

Louis shrugs as he repeats. “A feeling.”

They glide back into the party with ease as no one appears to have noticed their absence. No one has really ever questioned why they always seem to disappear as one. “Where’s Harry?” “Probably with Louis.” “Where’s Louis.” “With Harry somewhere”, it’s always been the norm, always. So it’s not really a surprise that the party doesn’t notice the fact that Louis is no longer sitting on the couch with Zayn and that over gelled, too dumb to be anything but a model, bottle blonde excuse of a man, as Harry will call him years later when he recalls this frosty December (January?) evening.

Bloodshot cheeks rise into the miracle that is Louis’ smile as Harry introduces him to his friends. “And this is my Lou.” Was all he said. Really, all that needed to be said was said without having to say anything. And, “this is my Lou” doesn’t necessarily mean anything, nothing at all, nada, zilch, zero. At least that’s what Harry’s telling himself after his lips moved faster than his Louis-just-kissed-me fuzz of a brain, the word “My” slipping out before he even formed a thought against it.

After all, it’s the truth. _Mine, mine, mine. His, his, his._

“Ah, the infamous Louis. Pleasure to meet you.” And, yeah, okay, maybe Harry _has_ told the entire world about him, he really should’ve seen it coming.

The boy could waste a millennium talking about his favorite things. And that, the mere whisper of thought that Louis might be one of Harry’s favorite things, is enough to fuel him for the rest of the year. No need for food, sleep or water, Harry’s more than enough. Always has been.

“Louis, I’d like you to meet Atticus,” Tall, blonde, kind blue eyes, a smile softer than the word, Taylor Swift would definitely write songs about this one. “Jess,” Short dark milk chocolate hair, vibrant honeydew eyes incarcerated by a pair of glasses and a scotch gripped tightly on his left hand. The anti-hero type, a heartbreaker’s smile and a lover’s eyes, a dangerous combination if Louis has ever seen one. “And last but not least: Lewis.” Louis’ eyebrows dance upward at the names. It’s almost sickening how cruel the universe can be, he thinks, as the sound of Harry pleading out his name time and time again rips through him, the sound of choked tears as company. 

His smile remains inviting, comforting even, while his heart rolls somewhere by his feet.

_Lewis. Lewis. Louis. Lewis. Louis. Louis. My Louis._

The universe can rightfully fuck off for this one.

“That’s actually how you became a topic of conversation one evening.” How Harry always seems to read Louis’ every thought, he may never know, but he sure is glad his boy’s got that super power.

“One very drunken evening,” Jess and Atticus chuckle into their drinks as Lewis jabs at Harry with the memory.

“I wasn’t that drunk.”

“Oh, but you were, my boy. You were so plastered you wanted to fight the poster of Han Solo on Atticus’ wall.” Louis’ heart, distracted from wanting the universe dead for making Harry ever go through an ounce of pain, beats along to the story, imagining a Harry so drunk, so cutely delirious, he’d fight paper. “You said, and I quote, ‘my allegiance is to the Republic, Han, to democracy!’ which, in retrospect, isn’t even the right quote,” He pauses for a sec. “Or trilogy. Jesus, Harry, what were you on?”

God, he’s suck a dork. Louis should kiss him and never let him forget it. Dork. He’s going home with a dork. _His_ dork.

“I’m sorry, but how did Harry being too drunk to know not to mess with Han Solo make me a topic of conversation?”

The glance shared between Lewis and Harry is enough to make a toddler want to leave the room, rushed and cautioned it makes every sense in Louis spike. It said too much and too little, too fast. Louis loathes it.

“What?”

Harry’s nod is so subtle if Louis wasn’t burning his eyes into his very being he might’ve even missed it.

“After we stopped him from hitting at the wall with a lightsaber-umbrella,” Lewis reclines ever so slightly against the fireplace, one foot over the other, the story rolling off his tongue like and old song on replay. “He sat at the edge of the bed for a while and just stared at his shoelaces. He kept saying ‘blue’, as if a poem or something. It really freaked us out for a couple of minutes until he stopped and asked for some water.” There’s a different in his tone Louis doesn’t seem to have recognized before, almost as if he were avoiding something, stepping over it gently making sure not to wake it up. “Once I found a clean glass and gave it to him he looked at me for a while and asked me why my parents had named me Lewis. I said I didn’t know. A tear rolled down his cheek,”

Louis feels Harry’s arms wrap around him warmly as if to say “I’m not sad anymore, please don’t worry.” He runs his hand up Harry’s arm, traveling towards his heart only to find his chest empty, Harry standing still next to him, looking down at his shoes. The gesture too vivid in Louis’ mind for him to have thought it imaginary.

**  
[BALLERINA – Jeremy shada](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xd-_jvIIQ58) **

“He said he regretted never asking his best friend that question, and now that it was too late to do so he was hoping my answer could be close enough to yours, since our names are so similar. That’s how. So, what’s the answer?”

“I’m sorry?”

“Why is your name Louis?”

Harry’s eyes lift from the ground toward Louis who hasn’t stopped looking at him since the conversation started. “Louis means ‘famous warrior’,” His rumble stops Louis from saying the one thing he never wanted to say to Harry, “I don’t know.” His smile is so close to a dimple Louis can almost smell it. “I looked it up once. That’s what your name means. Yours too Lewis, seeing as your name is a derivation of his.”

“You looked it up.”

“I looked it up.”

Will they ever learn that the world doesn’t actually disappear once they get lost inside each other’s eyes?

Atticus clears his throat. “Well, I hate to be _that_ guy but it’s getting late, or… early? We’ve got to get back and relieve the babysitter.” As if by magic, Amy, his wife, appears by him, ready to be whisked away, a tired pull on her eyes seeming to be the key to knowing it’s time to go. Has she been here this whole time? Would Louis have noticed her if she had been? Does he suddenly want to get a Han poster for their bedroom just to mess with Harry? Did he just call it their bedroom instead of _his_? Has the notion that he’s fallen harder for Harry than anyone has ever fallen for anyone passed by him without even so much as a wave? Has he had too much to drink? As he had _anything_ to drink? Has he eaten anything? Has Harry? All very good he has no intention of answering. 

January has been blissful in Louis’ eyes. With his surgeries having been extremely successful and the family being in their normal as-calm-as-this-crazy-family-can-be he guesses Gigi hasn’t said anything, he didn’t think she would, but still, it’s good to know for sure, but today…

Hurricane thunder rumbled through his bones as Harry’s smile fell completely flat after breakfast. Louis has stayed close by all the while hunting for “the perfect gift for the yet to be named pink blob about to rupture out of our friend”, or as a normal person would put it, the baby. He glances over Harry’s face as the walk through the store, expression unwavering, Harry’s smile remaining absent even as a pair of twins cooed in the next aisle over, usually that sound alone would be enough to make him beam brighter than the North Star, but today it seems the stars may have fallen out of the sky. 

After hours of searching Louis finally landed on getting a set of bathrobes, one with a ducky hood and the other a lion. Harry on the other hand went for a mint green baby book and a musical mobile, stars, a sun and a moon hanging from it, he picked it up without hesitation.

“Do you want to drive together?”

“To LA?”

“What? No, no, to the Horan’s house. That’s where the party is.”

“Right, right. Forgot.”

“Darling, are you okay?”

“’M fine, Lou.” Harry’s words turn stale as he turns to look out the window, a blur of green being the only thing visible as Louis turns onto the next street.

“You’re hiding.”

“I’m not.”

“Are too.”

“D2.”

“Harry, I’m serious.”

“Black? Oh, it’s a pleasure to meet you, sir.”

“You promised,” Louis’ glances towards Harry get faster with each passing breath, the road receiving little to no attention. “You promised you wouldn’t.”

“If you keep looking at me instead of where you’re going, we’re going to crash.”

Louis sighs and drops the subject, Harry, very proud of his victory, tangles his hand into Louis’ on top of the gear shift. “We’ll drive together.”

Louis nods, short and barely there. 

The next morning, waking up Louis with a billion kisses to the nose and one a bit lower, Harry’s smile is bright as ever.

They didn’t think a baby shower would be so loud or have so much booze, but alas, it’s a party thrown by Niall, anything is possible. The patio’s decorated in black and gold, strange for a baby shower, sure, but apparently Lisa wanted it to be classy, and instead of doing what anyone else would think to do upon those orders and have it all be hushed tones of white, snow, ivory or alabaster, Niall went for the Gatsby experience. A chocolate fountain, a champagne one, a onesie decorating station, an open bar, a bouncy castle, a karaoke station and for the lady of the hour, a throne. An actual throne set up by the gift table.

“M’ lady.” Louis and Harry bow towards her.

“See, I told you it’d work.” Niall’s sweet melody booms over the crowd. “Dr,” He bows as well. Dorks. All of them. “Professor.”

“M’ lord.”

“Oh would you three stop it already?!”

“Heaven’s, lady Lisa, why the sudden outburst?”

“Tis quite unladylike of thee.”

“Tis, dear Harold. Lord Horan, why is thee wife is such a foul mood?”

“She doth not fancy such a throne.”

“Heaven’s me! But such a queen was born to rest upon such a throne!”

“Careful, my dear,” Harry’s arm rests on Louis’ shoulder as he continues. “You mustn’t anger her as she might later demand your head.”

Lisa gives up, having hoped it’d been them sooner, and dives in. “My lord husband, when might I _please_ step of this dreadful throne?”

“Once you have properly felt like the queen you should always feel like, my love.”

Louis and Harry ‘aw’ to the side as he helps her down. “You do that every day.” She pecks his cheek as he smiles.

“Now, it is my turn at karaoke and I implore you, dear Harold, to duet with me.”

“One condition, lord Horan.” He nods. “You pay me in chocolate covered strawberries.”

“Done!”

They stride off together while Lisa eyes Louis, her eyes settling between intrigued and understanding.

“What?”

“You seemed worried.”

He dances around for the right answer in his head for a second, the truth being his safest bet. “He’s acting weird.”

“Niall’s always been a dork, Lou, I knew what I signed up for when I did.”

“No. Harry.”

“Oh? How’s that?”

“He’s acting off…” His eyes chase after the beating heart of his worry. “I don’t know what to do.”

“The same thing he did when you started acting off,” Sulk? Bite off my own lip? Refrain from saying anything? Hold in every feeling until it’s almost too late? Watch him pass by without a word? “Be there and wait. He’ll come back around eventually.” Oh, _that_. “God knows you did.”

The sun quieting down, a cold breeze settling in as Niall and Harry end their rendition of Don’t Go Breaking My Heart, Lisa’s eyes trail to Louis’, glued on Harry.

Games are played, as they often are at baby showers, while child’s laughter and butchered karaoke songs fill the air. After a while, it’s time for a few presents to be opened, the small ones catching Lisa’s gaze. “Great things usually come in small packages,” she used to say. “Just look at Louis over here!”

Harry’s been over at the onesie decorating station entertaining the kids since he got off stage, the chocolate strawberries were delightfully shared with his new best friend, Beatrice, the loveliest and brightest 5-year-old to have ever walked this earth. She’s played with his curls, sang him a song, asked him question after question and is apparently very much in love with Louis. He’s caught her staring at him 3 times in the last hour and frankly, he’s getting a bit jealous.

“Hey,” He tickles her stomach playfully. “Do you want me to introduce you?” He asks as if they were old friends at a club and a cute guy Harry knows from work passed by them. “He’s a _very_ good friend of mine and I’m sure he’d be glad to meet you, Bee.” She all but insisted he call her Bee instead of Beatrice, seeing as they were BFFs now and that’s what all of her BFFs call her.

She nods playfully as Harry picks her up and rests her on his hip as they walk over to his _very good friend_ , Louis.

“And who might this be?” She turns into Harry’s shoulder as Louis’ smile blinds her.

“Lou, I’d like you to meet Beatrice.” She lifts her head in a scowl. “Right, sorry. This is Bee.”

She dives back into his shoulder and murmurs a sweet “hi” into his shirt.

“Hi, Bee, I’m Louis, it’s lovely to meet you.” Her tiny fingers against his, Louis’ shakes her hand.

She awes, eyes bright with child wonder. “You have really pretty eyes.” Harry’s nose scrunches up as he repositions her on his hip, Louis’ laugh big and loud breaks through him like a boat on water.

“Thank you, darling. So are yours!”

“Na-ha, mine aren’t blue!”

 **_  
_ ** [LADY BY THE SEA](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bUZW6J_rGZo)

“No, but they’re green,” she blinks slowly to his every word. “And I’ve heard that green eyes are magic.” His voice low, almost a whisper, and full of enchanted wisdom sweep her off her feet.

“Really!?”

“Uh-huh.” Gold sparks fly around them as her mind scrambles to keep up with the fairy tale, a story so bewitching Harry gets lost as well. “There’s an old story that says that little girls with green eyes used to be magical princesses and that their kisses were the cure to everything. Everyone wanted to have green eyes but there were some who wanted to keep green eyes safe. They saw it as their entire purpose in life to find and protect green eyes. Those people tried really hard to always make sure green eyes were safe and happy, but sometimes, when the green eyes got sad, these protectors were at a loss on what to do, you see, because green eyes are so magical that it hurts to see them in pain. And if green eyes are sad, they lose their magic, not for everyone else, but for themselves. But I can assure you, Bee, that green eyes will _always_ have their protectors, they’ll _always_ regain their magic. They’re possibly the most magical thing on earth.”

“I don’t believe you.”

“It’s true! Just look at Harry, isn’t he a prince!?”

“Well, yeah, but what about,” She looks around making sure no one else hears her, seeing as if green eyes are so marvelous it’d be a shame if anyone else knew about them. “But what about the _kiss_?”

He leans in closer to her to keep the confidential aura. “What about it?”

“Well, is it magical?” Louis glances up at Harry, his focus set on the conversation at hand.

“Just between you and me?” She nods shyly grabbing onto Harry’s shirt. “They’re the best kisses in the universe. The cure to everything.” He nods.

“Harreh,” He blinks back into reality as she grabs his cheek. “Is he telling the truth?”

But before a resounding “As long they’re with him.” and blushing cheeks are able to make their appearance, Harry feels a strong hand on his shoulder.

“And what awful things about me are you stuffing into my child’s brain?”

A very high-pitched “Daddy!” ruptures Harry’s eardrum as Beatrice wiggles out of his grasp and climbs onto Atticus.

“How are you, Pineapple?”

“I have green eyes!” She gasps. “Daddy!” She looks around towards Louis and only after he nods does she return her attention to her father. “Did you know that green eyes are magic?”

“They are?” He asks in awe.

After a much more complicated version of Louis’ tale, Amy materializes next to Atticus, again. Is she a ninja? Does she actually _have_ magical powers? How in the seven hells does she just keep appearing?

“Mommy! Do you know about the green eyes thing!?”

She looks between them. “I don’t believe I do…” Beatrice starts off again and somehow manages to include a dragon into this version.

Off to the side Atticus smiles at Harry, an old gesture neither seems to have forgotten. “So, Harry, my dear boy, do you want kids?”

Louis feels every blood cell course through his body as he waits for Harry to answer.

“I mean… Yeah. I’ve always wanted kids, so if I were to meet the right person and the time were right, then yeah. Absolutely.” Now he wants to scream, or dance, or kiss him. Louis’ chest swells at the idea of Harry running around the loft chasing after a baby, the sound of sweet goodnight kisses as they tuck tucking them into bed and retreat back to their own bedroom where they fall asleep tangled in each other as hushed pleads about how lucky they are fly around them. He should definitely kiss him. “Beatrice is great by the way; you’ve raised her marvelously.”

The conversations change gears a few times from babies to sports to books to upcoming movies to something Louis lost complete interest over.

Moonlight hidden behind their bed, Louis’ mind pushes at him. His only thought: the clouds. “No more hiding. I promise.” Words lost behind dust on the bookshelves.

He closes the book in his hands, eyes trailing to Harry lying flat on his stomach, feet dancing in the air, nose buried in a book. Louis slowly takes off his glasses as he strokes Harry’s hair. “Can I ask you something?”

“If it’s: do I want popcorn,” He slams the book shut and peers up at Louis, his cheeks playful. “Then yes!” But Louis’ smile is too forced, too stiff. “Clearly that’s not what you were going to ask me.”

“No, it wasn’t.” Harry sits up, attention set on wondering blue irises. “Kids?”

“Oh… That,” His shoulders drop, the world weighing on them. “I know that you work with babies all day long and that you might not want to come home to a screaming child after a long day. And I know that kids in general are very hard work and expensive, that’s why I’ve never brought it up. But-”

He breaths in slowly, terrified the clouds might come back once he breathes out. “Is that why you’ve been down lately? Because you think I don’t want kids?”

“I haven’t been down, Lou, I’m fine! Is that a yes to children?”

“You’ve been hiding and you now it. And yes, of course I want children. I’d love to raise kids with you.”

“This again.” His eyes roll so far back into his head you’d think there was another dimension back there. “I’m not hiding, I’m right here!”

“I’m not talking about right now. _Yesterday_.”

“What about yesterday?”

“Do you seriously think I don’t know when something’s up with you? I have the premium subscription to Harry-language, remember?”

“Lou, nothing’s wrong.” He jumps out of bed, curls falling like feathers onto his forehead. “Just give it a rest already.”

“What are you doing?”

“Taking a walk.”

“What!?” The book falls to the floor with a smack as Louis rips off the covers and stands beside the bed. “In the middle of an argument? _Seriously_?”

He pauses by the door before wrapping a scarf around his neck. “There’s nothing to argue about, so, yes, I’m going for a walk!”

An abyss clears out in Louis’ heart as he feels Harry slam the front door.

 _He just walked out!? What is this?_ He picks up the books and storms into the library. _Nothing to argue about? Bullshit. No more hiding? Yeah, right. A promise, what’s that!?_ He drops the books on the desk, his brain preoccupied with the tremble in his thoughts from the door slam. “Just walk out, sure, cause that’s mature,”

“I couldn’t get past the driveway.”

Louis startles, his nerves all over the place. “Jesus, Harry!”

Harry takes a step forward as he removes his beanie. “I got to the end of the driveway and couldn’t keep walking…” Louis folds his hands in front of his chest, a puff of air leaking from his lips. “You know… I had this theory when I was younger…”

“Excuse me?”

 ** IN MY DREAMS BY JOSH DILLARD  
** **<https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=q7Y-Vo0pW_g> **

“Just,” He holds a hand up pleading with Louis. “Let me- Let me explain.” Louis nods, eyes watchful. “I had a theory that our dreams are actually our lives and that it’s when you go to sleep that you’re actually living your life.” He begins to walk closer to Louis, each step charged with a different tone. “And so, I went to sleep every night knowing how happy I was going to be in my other life, _with you_.”

“You dreamt about me?”

He nods slightly, “Still do sometimes”, apple green eyes shy and isolated.

“Why are you telling me this now?”

“Because,” He takes Louis’ hand and sways it slightly. “I don’t want to live in some fantasy world, I _want_ to be happy with you. Here.”

 **  
** [OneRepublic - If I Lose Myself (acoustic)](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mZtkxQxDY8c)

“And why can’t you, Haz? Why hide?” He pulls him into a hug, holding him tight afraid he might slip away with a gust of wind. “I’m right here, I’m not going anywhere.”

“I know. I know.” Harry’s whispers travel through book spines and into Louis’ heart as he starts to cry. “I’m sorry. I’m so, so sorry.”

“I know.” He strokes Harry’s hair, the gesture enough comfort for Harry to let go of more within him. “I know…”

**  
[THE AUTHOR- LUZ](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2q0sN553Y78) **

The week passes by slowly, Harry swimming over and under the clouds, never being able to fully get rid of them. Their rain splattering down like paint over fresh snow, staining everything and getting washed away, only to repeat itself again and again and again. They’ve been dancing on a crystal dance floor, a heart wrenching abyss lying beneath it. For the few seconds it takes Louis to come back from a spin, his heart and mind race at the same question. Will he still be there when I turn back? More than once has Harry slipped out of Louis’ hands and disappeared into the crystal cracks, leaving Louis standing in the middle of the dance floor waiting. 

These past few days, however, have been… better, Louis thinks. Yeah, better. Harry still hasn’t said much, but at least he stays close by and clings onto Louis like a koala whenever the clouds become too unbearable, which Louis feels is progress. He smiles weakly at jokes, shares random thoughts about his day in a low syrupy voice and kisses Louis tenderly. No more rushed desperate kisses. These feel more crème, soft and smooth, and it’s somehow like there’s a goodbye stitched into each one. As if the moment their lips pull apart the world around him will crumble to ash and he’ll be left standing all by himself in a cold dark room with no way out.

Whenever Louis notices that he’s too in his head he’ll walk over to him and hug him for as long as it takes until Harry kisses his cheek, a sign that whatever it was has now passed and that he’s okay. The library appears to bring him comfort so they spend a lot of their free time in there, if not reading, then watching a movie on Louis’ laptop or just laying side by side on the carpet looking at the ceiling, talking. Having Louis not peer into his very soul feels like a weight off of Harry’s shoulder and down here on the carpet he’s able to open up more. To say whatever’s on his mind in that second. Louis finds it adorable and is willing to do anything to make sure Harry feels okay, even if that means spending the rest of his life down here on the floor.

“So…”

“So…”

“Your birthday’s coming up…”

“Three days.”

“Uh-huh… And I was thinking of maybe throwing you a little party? That is if you’re up for it or even want it. Cause I know you haven’t felt amazing lately but I just thought-”

“I think that’s a great idea.”

“You do?”

“I do.” He flips on his side and kisses Louis, rose petal lips warm and delightful. “Thank you.”

Not Gatsby perhaps, but a black tie affair worthy of any king. Louis spent the last 48 hours perfecting every detail, from lighting to the exact placement of the napkins, a flawless loft and an exquisite looking boyfriend, everything is set.

The guests arrive right on time, each beaming as Harry greets them at the door, his mood brightened from the moment Louis woke him up in the middle of the night and sang him Happy Birthday. Knowing that his are the only ears lucky enough to witness such an angelic voice. Louis invited everyone he could think of, from their family to old high school friends he hadn’t thought about until seeing their names in Harry’s contacts, because yes, he requested Harry’s phone in order to make the guest list. The only two people who couldn’t make it being Niall and Lisa seeing as they were back in LA.

The night flew past them as the music boomed loud and the alcohol flowed through. After cake Louis went around thanking everyone for coming and apologizing for the sudden invitations. He was received with nothing but praise and admiration. His attention divided between the guests and his phone in his back pocket, the lack of a message pulling on his nerves like a boy in a schoolyard pulling ponytails. It’s been a week; he really should’ve heard back by now.

He passes the hallway double, triple checking his messages. Nothing.

Bloody nothing.

“Great.” He his face hard and shakes it off. “This is just great.”

“What is?”

“Oh,” He spins around right into Harry’s arms. “Nothing. Enjoying the party?”

Harry nods, his chin moving back and forth on top of Louis’ head. “Thank you.” His hand smoothens over Louis’ as he kisses his forehead. “Come, there’s someone I want you to meet.”

“Isn’t it a little early to be meeting my boyfriend’s parents?”

“Not if you want a prize later.”

“Let’s go see mommy and daddy then.”

“Funny. You’re a real charmer, Louis.”

“Had to catch you somehow, didn’t I?”

“And here I was thinking that I had caught you.”

“Call it even?”

Harry rolls his eyes as they walk back into the party, half of the guests already gone.

“Fitz, this is Louis. Louis, this is Fitz.”

Louis’ hostess smile beams bright at the introduction as they shake hands. “-Gerald?”

“William.”

“Jeez, okay, Fitzwilliam Mee, this is Louis William Tomlinson. Louis William Tomlinson, this is Fitzwilliam Mee. Happy?”

“Delighted, actually.”

“Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’ve said the name William more in the last 2 minutes than I have in the last 2 years, I’m going to grab a drink, anyone want anything?”

“No, Harold Edward Styles, I’m fine, thank you.”

“You know my name isn’t Harold, Lewis.”

“Go get your drink,” he laughs as Harry turns on his heels in the opposite direction.

“It’s great to finally meet you, Louis. I’ve heard nothing but good things about you.” What a surprise.

“I wish I could say the same, but sadly Harry has so many friends I seem to lose track of who’s who.”

Fitz takes a swing of his drink, the glass practically empty by now. “Me and Harry interned in the same school ages ago before we got our teaching degrees.”

“Ah, yes, Fitz and the margarita disaster.”

“He told you about that?”

“Oh yeah.”

“Is there any chance I could persuade you into thinking it wasn’t my fault?”

“Not a one.” They laugh in unison. “I thought you’d moved to DC?”

“I’ve been there for about 3 years now, I’m actually vice principal at one of the top schools in Washington.”

Louis’ eyebrows grow in impressment. “Wow, they’re really letting a guy who blew up a bender run a school? Ballsy.”

“It did not blow up.” Louis eyes him ironically. “It didn’t!”

“If you say so.”

“It cracked, okay? The glass was hot the ice was cold. It’s science.”

“Riiight.”

“What will it take for you to believe me, Lewis?”

“Oh, I don’t know…” He pretends to think about it for a second while Fitz finishes off his drink. “How about you tell me the dumbest thing you’ve seen Harry do?”

“Easy.” He smiles before asking. “Does it count if it has something to do with a job?”

“A job?”

“Yeah, me and him were talking a few months ago and he mentioned not being completely happy with his job here.” And suddenly the puzzle he himself had put together just days before burns deeper with each word. “I get it. I worked in schools like that too. Where you love what you do but it feels empty, insufficient, like you could be doing so much more somewhere else, it sucks the life out of you like a Dementor’s kiss.” And, yeah he sees why him and Harry have stayed friends after so long. “So I offered him a one term try out at my school back in Washington to see how he liked it and if he thought it was the right fit we’d get him a full time position. He seemed very excited about the opportunity but then he called me a few weeks back and turned it down”

“He- Why?”

“Said something had come up.” And if Louis had a sledgehammer he’d much like to put it through a brick wall right about now. “It’s a real shame, you know? It’s a great school and the kids are excellent.”

“I’m sure they are.” He smiles weekly, his phone burning a hole through his pocket. “He never mentioned anything specific as to why he couldn’t go?”

“Nothing much, just that he couldn’t possibly move across the country. I could tell there was something holding him back here. I’m not sure what it was, maybe Gemma.” Louis nods. “Maybe it was something else. Who knows?”

“And-” There’s no possible way for him to let this go. “And when exactly did he call?” He questions; his mind too impatient and his heart to delicate. “To turn it down I mean.”

Fitz regards him for a moment, what for Louis has no idea. “Oh, um, I’m not really sure. Around the second week of November?” And that’s all it takes for Louis’ perfect Harry bubble to shatter.

“He’d do anything for you.” Liam’s words course through him like poison. “He’d give up everything if you’d ask him to, Louis, you know that.”

“What are you rambling on about, Li?” The conversation which haunted him for years. Long after the moment their eyes locked that night up in the tree house, it wedged between them like concrete.

Liam sighed, too deeply, too loudly. Louis’ skin ached at the tone. “Harry. I see it in his eyes. You’re his everything.”

Every speck of dust froze midair, the crisp afternoon breeze remained silent, the smell of freshly cut grass clung onto his every thought, a football stood still as a statue between his feet as his heart beat like it had never before. Every chamber contracting and pumping for one reason and one person only.

“He’s a very sensitive boy, but I’m sure you know that better than any of us... Just promise me one thing?” His gulp was too large for his own throat, the irony of it all being his mouth was as dry as the Sahara Desert. His heart running at the beat of a thousand drums, the words wrapped around him too tightly. They suffocated him, encrusted themselves into his every though for an eternity. “Don’t hurt him.”

“November.”

“November. Honestly I myself would love to know why he turned it down. We could really use him over there.”

The month clenched between his teeth for the next hours as he tried to remain a gracious host. Making sure drinks were filed, food was served and music was loud enough for his own thoughts to die down if only a little, he kept himself as busy as he could for as long as he could until the last guests walked out the door. The notion of facing his guilt too heavy on his heart he focusses on cleaning up. The memories too strong to ignore he curses under his breath, every blink he makes being too much work, every step too dreadful, every thought too loud.

“I need to go home to get somethings and I thought I should give my bed at least one night’s sleep.” Harry’s voice, oblivious to the current hellfire going through Louis, makes him swim into reality for a mere second as he kisses him goodbye and promises to be back tomorrow night. Louis’ own smile feels too familiar to him; like an overused mask he’d long forgotten about ever since Harry fell back into his arms. 

He tossed and turned all night, the sound of Harry’s laughter and the feeling of his lips remained on constant replay in his mind. He felt the night evolve around him as he opened and shut his laptop more times than he did his eyes. His lungs became a colander very time the cursor graced over the final step on the page, the air begging to stay inside. He doesn’t know how or when, but at some point he fell asleep, clinging to Harry’s pillow, his nose buried so deep in it he practically couldn’t breathe.

Once awake, his decision unwavering, his every thought became intensely more excruciating. He paced the apartment insistently, up and down, up and down, until the sun set below the city, his heart doing just the same. Impatience became nervousness which became uneasiness which turned into a whole myriad of emotions he wasn’t willing to endure and without a second thought, he ran out to his car and drove.

Trembling hands knocking lightly as he goes over every word in his head, the envelope in his pocket weighing immensely more than it did on the drive over. He pushes into the apartment as the door opens swiftly, Harry’s cheerful “What’re you doing here?” lost within his own noise.

The screams in his head completely die out for an instant as he feels something wrap around him from behind. Warm, strong, nurturing arms folding themselves around his waist. Harry’s arms. Harry. He pushes off as fast as the clamor in his head returns, each cry louder than the last, every second passing far too agonizing for him to bear. Harry’s smile falters, clouds rushing past him as he reaches out for Louis again. Rejection being the only thing returned.

“November.”

“I don’t get the game.”

“You called him in November.”

“Called who? What the hell just happened? What’s wrong?”

“Fitz.” The anger in his voice is only masked by the sheer anguish and betrayal. His eyes bounce around the room seeing as the mere thought of green burns a hole through him.

There’s a crack laying somewhere deep within Harry that keeps tearing open at unfathomable speeds. The whole conversation flashing before him in bits and pieces as every breathe escaping his lips does so without intention of ever returning.

“You said no more hiding.” It comes out of him like a tidal wave, every letter stitched with a different open wound, the glimmer in his eyes starting to water, his heart begging him to shut up. “Daniel. Us. Washington. Everything! You’ve been shutting me out for months, Harry. Months.” He spits out every word as if venom. “ _Why do you insist on lying to me_?”

“I haven’t lied about anything, Louis. Yes, I turned down the job. I turned down the job for you.”

“Why didn’t you tell me? Because you knew I’d tell you to go?”

“Because I wanted to stay here and be happy with _you_.”

“That’s exactly my point, Harry” His voice trembles through the apartment as each syllable swims in its own cocktail of feelings. There isn’t a single thing under the sun Harry wouldn’t do to make them disappear, to patch up every rip and tear he’s made. The grip on his heart tightens as Louis’ words get more impatient, the sound cracking the floor beneath them. “ _I’m not enough for you! I’ve never been enough_!”

“Of course you’re-”

“No. I’m not. God,” He exclaims exasperated as he unfolds the envelope. “Don’t you see that this is exactly what I’ve been trying to avoid all these years!? I only know how to _hurt_ you!” The damn beneath Harry’s eyes begins to break as Louis’ words get caught in his throat. “And I can’t do it anymore.”

“What is that?”

He breathes in, making sure to keep any promise of tears at bay. “A plane ticket.”

“Don’t.”

“Take it.” He thrusts it forward towards Harry, his eyes threatening to break.

“Louis, I’m serious. Don’t.” He pulls his hands back from the envelope almost as if it was going to bite him.

“Washington will be good for you.”

“I’m not going to Washington!”

“There’s nothing holding you back here now. Go.”

“Stop it.”

**  
[LITTLE LION MAN – MUMFORD & SONS](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OymyvwhXkPg&list=LL) **

Louis tilts his head to the left, every word at the tip of his tongue far too inferior to speak, his eyes red and tired, cracking at the sight of Harry’s puffed up cheeks and a smile so utterly shattered the toughest of warriors would weep.

“Don’t do this,” Harry’s voice trails behind him as he walks closer to the door. “Please don’t do this.” He can barely see a thing, every ounce within him pleading, pleading, pleading. “Please don’t let me go.” Louis’ shoulders tense as he reaches out for the handle, Harry’s words slamming into him with each breath. “Don’t you dare walk out that door!” The cry breaks Louis in half as his feet stand frozen. Everything within him telling him to go except his heart. In between breathes Harry manages one more wave of strength. “ _Don’t you dare leave me again!_ ”

His heart just about gives out at the word. Again. Again. Again. They’ve been in this position far too many times. Far too many nights spent cutting open wounds, shouting the same agonizing cries, ripping each other apart so that they’re left hanging by a single thread. Something in him tells him to turn around, to forego the door and just turn around.

He feels cold streaks against his cheeks before the kiss, every cry, plead, fear and whisper of hope imbedded into his lips.

Hours later, Louis watched as Harry fell asleep next to him, tear stained eyelashes fluttering as he escaped into the dreamland where they’re happy. He delicately ran his finger a long his back, every detail of his body traced my frosty fingertips. The air around Louis wraps around him in sharp stabs, the body next to him being his own source of comfort, even in his own mind. He pulls himself out of bed, away from Harry, away from his heart. He stands beside the bed and considers it for a moment. Only a moment. Only to look at him one more time.

He leans over and gently kisses Harry’s forehead, quickly wiping away the tear that fell onto his cheek.

“You have no idea how much I love you.” He nods to himself quietly as he whispers. “No idea.”

**   
[LEAVING MY LOVE BEHIND – LEWIS CAPALDI](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=311-205cDs4)   
  
**


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